How to Handle Conflict About Not Visiting Family on Your Vacation
Choose a place free of distractions., Listen to what your family or partner says., Empathize with your family., Address the specific points., Do not reply to your family or partner with a vague dismissal., Explain to the other person(s) what you are...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Choose a place free of distractions.
When deciding how to talk to your family or partner about the vacation, choose a location that is not noisy.
For instance, do not talk to your family or partner when they are watching TV or talking on the phone.
Talking during dinner, for instance, might be a good time to discuss visiting family on your vacation., Pay careful attention to their words.
Nod, lean forward, and make eye contact to show you’re listening.
Be active when listening.
If you have questions or want clarification about something your partner or family says, don’t be afraid to ask.Rephrase what your partner or family member says occasionally so as to ensure you’re understanding their main argument in favor of visiting family on your vacation.
For instance, if you have a partner, they might say, “Our vacation will take us very close to where my family lives and it would be easy for us to visit them.” You might sum up their statement by asking, “Oh, so you think it would be pretty convenient for us to visit your family on vacation?” Encourage your family to share with you exactly what their problem is with you not visiting them on your vacation.Say things like “I’m really interested in why it’s so important that I visit you, my family, during my vacation.” , Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
In other words, imagine the situation from their perspective.
If the conflict is between you and your partner, ask yourself how you’d feel if you wanted to see your family on vacation and they did not want to.
If the conflict is between you and your family, ask yourself how you would feel if they did not want to visit you on their vacation.Try not to see the discussion as a contest.
Just because you and your family (or you and your partner) have different ideas about how to spend your vacation doesn’t mean that either of you loves the other any less.If you have a partner, think about their reasons for not wanting to visit family during your vacation.Perhaps, for instance, they’d prefer to spend their vacation relaxing by the beach because their company had a tough quarter and they want to relax.
Perhaps your partner does not enjoy spending time with your family.
Maybe your partner thinks that you visit your family too often, and wants to make the vacation a time when the two of you can connect without the pressures of either your family or theirs. , Take your partner’s concerns or your family’s concerns seriously and help them find an alternative.
Express agreement with things your partner or family says that you agree with.For instance, if your partner says they want to see their parents, you might say, “I can tell you really want to see your parents.
Let’s visit them together after the vacation.” If a family member says, “I am very sick and getting older.
I would like to see you during your vacation,” you might reply, “That’s true.
I will visit you once my vacation is concluded.” , For instance, don’t say to your family, “You don’t need to see me on my vacation.” If your partner suggests using vacation time to see their parents, don’t say, “You don’t need to see them.”, Are you uninterested in visiting family on vacation because they constantly criticize you? Is it because they are always yelling and fighting? Or is it simply because your vacation is relatively brief? Whatever the reason, identify it and explain it to your family.Be clear and concise when explaining your feelings.
For instance, do not say to your family, “I have this feeling as though I might not want to visit you during vacation.
I’m not sure.
I can’t really explain it.” Instead, try saying, “I feel that I would be happier spending my vacation in China rather than visiting family.” You might find that a story is the best way to explain why you feel that you’re uninterested in visiting family on vacation.For example, you might begin your explanation by saying, “Do you remember the last time I visited you on vacation? The baby threw up everywhere and I was struck by a car.
It was terrible.
I don’t want to relive that or risk a repeat episode.” , Instead of blaming your family by saying “My vacation is always about you,” or blaming your partner by saying, “Our vacations are always about you.
You’re too selfish,” explain your feelings in terms of your own experience.
Use “I” language in the form of “I would rather not spend time with family on our vacation” or — if addressing your family — saying “I would prefer not to visit you on my vacation.”Do not make generalizations.
Avoid using words like “always” and “never,” and phrases like “all the time” or “every time.” For instance, avoid saying “You always get your way when go on vacation.” Before speaking, think about how your words might sound to your partner. , If your goal in the conversation is to convince your partner to visit your family on vacation, do not get derailed talking about the sorts of events or activities you wish to do during your vacation (unless, of course, this impinges directly on the argument you’re making in favor of bringing your family along.) If your goal is to convince your family that you have the right to spend your vacation as you wish, do not get derailed by conversations about how you are ungrateful because they raised you and paid your way through university.For instance, if you say, “I would prefer not to visit family on my vacation” and your family says “But I visited you when I was on vacation,” simply say, “Yes, and we had great fun.
However, that was your choice.
I choose to spend my vacation differently.” , When trying to convince your family or partner to see your side of things, be specific.
Don’t use vague statements like “Someday I would like to visit my family during our vacation.” Instead, say, “We’ve visited your family four times in the last four months.
Don’t you think it’s only fair that we visit my family on this vacation?”, When in conversation with your partner or family, do not yell or use foul language.
Always be respectful and mature when talking to your family or partner.
Speak to them as you wish to be spoken to.
Do not strike or lash out at your family or partner.Breathing exercises are useful for remaining calm.
If you feel yourself getting stressed, close your eyes and breathe in for three seconds through your nose.
Exhale for five seconds through your mouth.
Repeat until you feel more relaxed.
If emotions are running high and you feel that you or your partner/family are getting too stressed, take a break.
Say, for instance, “This seems to be getting us nowhere.
Let’s talk more about this later.” -
Step 2: Listen to what your family or partner says.
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Step 3: Empathize with your family.
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Step 4: Address the specific points.
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Step 5: Do not reply to your family or partner with a vague dismissal.
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Step 6: Explain to the other person(s) what you are feeling.
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Step 7: Avoid accusatory language.
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Step 8: Stay on topic.
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Step 9: Use relevant details.
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Step 10: Stay calm.
Detailed Guide
When deciding how to talk to your family or partner about the vacation, choose a location that is not noisy.
For instance, do not talk to your family or partner when they are watching TV or talking on the phone.
Talking during dinner, for instance, might be a good time to discuss visiting family on your vacation., Pay careful attention to their words.
Nod, lean forward, and make eye contact to show you’re listening.
Be active when listening.
If you have questions or want clarification about something your partner or family says, don’t be afraid to ask.Rephrase what your partner or family member says occasionally so as to ensure you’re understanding their main argument in favor of visiting family on your vacation.
For instance, if you have a partner, they might say, “Our vacation will take us very close to where my family lives and it would be easy for us to visit them.” You might sum up their statement by asking, “Oh, so you think it would be pretty convenient for us to visit your family on vacation?” Encourage your family to share with you exactly what their problem is with you not visiting them on your vacation.Say things like “I’m really interested in why it’s so important that I visit you, my family, during my vacation.” , Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
In other words, imagine the situation from their perspective.
If the conflict is between you and your partner, ask yourself how you’d feel if you wanted to see your family on vacation and they did not want to.
If the conflict is between you and your family, ask yourself how you would feel if they did not want to visit you on their vacation.Try not to see the discussion as a contest.
Just because you and your family (or you and your partner) have different ideas about how to spend your vacation doesn’t mean that either of you loves the other any less.If you have a partner, think about their reasons for not wanting to visit family during your vacation.Perhaps, for instance, they’d prefer to spend their vacation relaxing by the beach because their company had a tough quarter and they want to relax.
Perhaps your partner does not enjoy spending time with your family.
Maybe your partner thinks that you visit your family too often, and wants to make the vacation a time when the two of you can connect without the pressures of either your family or theirs. , Take your partner’s concerns or your family’s concerns seriously and help them find an alternative.
Express agreement with things your partner or family says that you agree with.For instance, if your partner says they want to see their parents, you might say, “I can tell you really want to see your parents.
Let’s visit them together after the vacation.” If a family member says, “I am very sick and getting older.
I would like to see you during your vacation,” you might reply, “That’s true.
I will visit you once my vacation is concluded.” , For instance, don’t say to your family, “You don’t need to see me on my vacation.” If your partner suggests using vacation time to see their parents, don’t say, “You don’t need to see them.”, Are you uninterested in visiting family on vacation because they constantly criticize you? Is it because they are always yelling and fighting? Or is it simply because your vacation is relatively brief? Whatever the reason, identify it and explain it to your family.Be clear and concise when explaining your feelings.
For instance, do not say to your family, “I have this feeling as though I might not want to visit you during vacation.
I’m not sure.
I can’t really explain it.” Instead, try saying, “I feel that I would be happier spending my vacation in China rather than visiting family.” You might find that a story is the best way to explain why you feel that you’re uninterested in visiting family on vacation.For example, you might begin your explanation by saying, “Do you remember the last time I visited you on vacation? The baby threw up everywhere and I was struck by a car.
It was terrible.
I don’t want to relive that or risk a repeat episode.” , Instead of blaming your family by saying “My vacation is always about you,” or blaming your partner by saying, “Our vacations are always about you.
You’re too selfish,” explain your feelings in terms of your own experience.
Use “I” language in the form of “I would rather not spend time with family on our vacation” or — if addressing your family — saying “I would prefer not to visit you on my vacation.”Do not make generalizations.
Avoid using words like “always” and “never,” and phrases like “all the time” or “every time.” For instance, avoid saying “You always get your way when go on vacation.” Before speaking, think about how your words might sound to your partner. , If your goal in the conversation is to convince your partner to visit your family on vacation, do not get derailed talking about the sorts of events or activities you wish to do during your vacation (unless, of course, this impinges directly on the argument you’re making in favor of bringing your family along.) If your goal is to convince your family that you have the right to spend your vacation as you wish, do not get derailed by conversations about how you are ungrateful because they raised you and paid your way through university.For instance, if you say, “I would prefer not to visit family on my vacation” and your family says “But I visited you when I was on vacation,” simply say, “Yes, and we had great fun.
However, that was your choice.
I choose to spend my vacation differently.” , When trying to convince your family or partner to see your side of things, be specific.
Don’t use vague statements like “Someday I would like to visit my family during our vacation.” Instead, say, “We’ve visited your family four times in the last four months.
Don’t you think it’s only fair that we visit my family on this vacation?”, When in conversation with your partner or family, do not yell or use foul language.
Always be respectful and mature when talking to your family or partner.
Speak to them as you wish to be spoken to.
Do not strike or lash out at your family or partner.Breathing exercises are useful for remaining calm.
If you feel yourself getting stressed, close your eyes and breathe in for three seconds through your nose.
Exhale for five seconds through your mouth.
Repeat until you feel more relaxed.
If emotions are running high and you feel that you or your partner/family are getting too stressed, take a break.
Say, for instance, “This seems to be getting us nowhere.
Let’s talk more about this later.”
About the Author
Isabella Turner
Creates helpful guides on crafts to inspire and educate readers.
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