How to Convince Your Parents to Give You Space As a College Student
Begin by making a plan., Develop some steps., Try to get into their heads., Plan out what you are going to say and how you will say it., Practice., Set up a meeting., Prepare to be surprised., Offer reassurance., Don't ask for their permission.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Begin by making a plan.
Asking your parents to change the way they relate to you is likely to be one of the first major issues you will face with your parents on an adult-to-adult basis.
It will go better if you take the time to become so familiar with your plan that you will come across calm and confident when you approach them with it. -
Step 2: Develop some steps.
Plan to wean yourself from their constant parental involvement a little at a time, so they won't freak out or go through withdrawal.
Put a timeline in your plan--for example in Week One, you will talk to your parents on the phone three times instead of eight.
Maybe in Week Two it will be one phone call and two emails.
Let them get used to the change gradually. , Remember that parents don't get a lot of guidance from the world at large on how to gracefully let go of their children as they near adulthood.
Write down (for yourself) your best predictions, based on your years of knowing them, what each parent will say to a request for more space.
Then write down your best guess as to how each of them will feel while he or she says it.
This is all preparation for fielding any resistance they offer. , Start by a matter-of-fact statement of what they are doing and how it makes you feel.
For example, "Mom, when you call me every single weeknight, I feel like you don't trust me to be managing my own study time." Or, "Dad, when you ask for so much detail about my weekend plans it feels like you think I'm going to take dumb risks."
If you find you have your dorm room to yourself for an hour on a Saturday afternoon, stand in front of the mirror and run through your planned arguments until you can say them smoothly, with conviction, and in a calm and reasoned tone.
Look at your body language, your facial expressions.
Are you projecting the calm appearance of a confident young man or woman, or are you hunched up, waiting for the hammer to drop on your head? The more independent and assured you appear, the more likely your parents will be to take your discussion points seriously. , Talk with your parents about this.
Keep practicing right up to the time of the meeting. , When they learn they've been overdoing it, and especially when they see the mature way you are handling this, they may be able to loosen up more easily than you thought. , First express your appreciation for their caring
- it doesn't hurt you to say, "Mom, Dad, you've been so great to be there for me, and I love you for it." But set firm boundaries:
Let them know how often you would like to call, email, write, or text message them, and what days and times fit with your class and activities schedule.
Make it clear that you are not cutting them off; instead assuage their anxiety and feelings of rejection by letting them know how often they can count on hearing from you. , You are an adult.
No matter what anyone says to you, there's no such thing as an "adult kid".
You may always be their child, but your parents need to understand that you are not requesting their cooperation.
You are stating your needs and wishes and hoping they will respect them.
Go into your discussion confident in the one fact that can't be disputed:
You are legally & physically an adult and not a minor.
While you should always respect and value your parents' input, you do not need their approval or permission
- for anything.
Stating calmly that you want to be respected as the adult you legally are, while also being respectful of them, and mindful of the fact that they may be paying your way through college (therefore, you need to respect them as well) will help you make your case with a minimum of drama. -
Step 3: Try to get into their heads.
-
Step 4: Plan out what you are going to say and how you will say it.
-
Step 5: Practice.
-
Step 6: Set up a meeting.
-
Step 7: Prepare to be surprised.
-
Step 8: Offer reassurance.
-
Step 9: Don't ask for their permission.
Detailed Guide
Asking your parents to change the way they relate to you is likely to be one of the first major issues you will face with your parents on an adult-to-adult basis.
It will go better if you take the time to become so familiar with your plan that you will come across calm and confident when you approach them with it.
Plan to wean yourself from their constant parental involvement a little at a time, so they won't freak out or go through withdrawal.
Put a timeline in your plan--for example in Week One, you will talk to your parents on the phone three times instead of eight.
Maybe in Week Two it will be one phone call and two emails.
Let them get used to the change gradually. , Remember that parents don't get a lot of guidance from the world at large on how to gracefully let go of their children as they near adulthood.
Write down (for yourself) your best predictions, based on your years of knowing them, what each parent will say to a request for more space.
Then write down your best guess as to how each of them will feel while he or she says it.
This is all preparation for fielding any resistance they offer. , Start by a matter-of-fact statement of what they are doing and how it makes you feel.
For example, "Mom, when you call me every single weeknight, I feel like you don't trust me to be managing my own study time." Or, "Dad, when you ask for so much detail about my weekend plans it feels like you think I'm going to take dumb risks."
If you find you have your dorm room to yourself for an hour on a Saturday afternoon, stand in front of the mirror and run through your planned arguments until you can say them smoothly, with conviction, and in a calm and reasoned tone.
Look at your body language, your facial expressions.
Are you projecting the calm appearance of a confident young man or woman, or are you hunched up, waiting for the hammer to drop on your head? The more independent and assured you appear, the more likely your parents will be to take your discussion points seriously. , Talk with your parents about this.
Keep practicing right up to the time of the meeting. , When they learn they've been overdoing it, and especially when they see the mature way you are handling this, they may be able to loosen up more easily than you thought. , First express your appreciation for their caring
- it doesn't hurt you to say, "Mom, Dad, you've been so great to be there for me, and I love you for it." But set firm boundaries:
Let them know how often you would like to call, email, write, or text message them, and what days and times fit with your class and activities schedule.
Make it clear that you are not cutting them off; instead assuage their anxiety and feelings of rejection by letting them know how often they can count on hearing from you. , You are an adult.
No matter what anyone says to you, there's no such thing as an "adult kid".
You may always be their child, but your parents need to understand that you are not requesting their cooperation.
You are stating your needs and wishes and hoping they will respect them.
Go into your discussion confident in the one fact that can't be disputed:
You are legally & physically an adult and not a minor.
While you should always respect and value your parents' input, you do not need their approval or permission
- for anything.
Stating calmly that you want to be respected as the adult you legally are, while also being respectful of them, and mindful of the fact that they may be paying your way through college (therefore, you need to respect them as well) will help you make your case with a minimum of drama.
About the Author
Alexis Collins
Creates helpful guides on practical skills to inspire and educate readers.
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