How to Cope with Living Apart from Your Children after Deportation
Expect to feel all sorts of emotions., Get support., Consider the situation from the children's perspective., Consider keeping a journal to document your feelings and memories., Plan ways to keep in touch and possible reunions., Work on the...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Expect to feel all sorts of emotions.
Being parted from your children for a long-term basis due to deportation is a terrible experience to go through.
All of your emotions are normal responses to feeling loss and you will be experiencing grief.
You may experience anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, depression, fear and many other feelings.
There is no time limit on your grief, some days will be much harder than others.
As the time proceeds, you will find constructive ways of coping that will help to ease the transition.
However, there are no rules about this––take each day as it comes. -
Step 2: Get support.
This is not something that you should be experiencing alone.
Get help and support from family members, counselors, your doctor and friends.
Explain to them what has happened, how you are feeling and that you really need support right now.
Get help for depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.
Such conditions need gentle care and a recovery program so that you can become well again.
See a qualified health professional to help you work through your condition; choose someone whom you consider has compassion, deep understanding and a willingness to see this through with you long term.
If you cannot access such a person, seek help from a family member or friend who is able to be strong for you and take good care of you.
Here is a comment from someone who has gone through this experience, to give you a sense of the hurt involved and the need for help: t has taken some getting used to, all my children are gone and moved to their respective homes and families.
I never imagined that I would feel such loneliness in missing them.
There were times when I cried and prayed all night for their safety and that God would bless each of them richly.
The pain was so real and physical I had to speak with a psychiatrist to get a hold of my own mind., They have just lost a parent and will be feeling their own grief and sorrow at your departure.
Whether you have left them behind by choice or by necessity, they will be feeling loss and pain too.
It is important to look for the good things that can arise as a result of the children remaining behind, such as their opportunities for education, employment and health.
Although these things cannot make up for being apart, it can be a source of comfort to know that your children will be getting benefits that you want them to have access to.
Remind yourself what you have done for your children to this point in life.
You gave them life, you gave them opportunities.
Here is what person who has experienced this situation felt:
I prayed and prayed, God does hear, he showed me that as a parent I had done my job of clothing them, housing, feeding them and educating them and introducing them to Jesus.
It was only at this time that the heavy burden of guilt and condemnation left, there was no more for me to do, except wait for them to come to me, requesting my help instead of me forcing it upon them., You can use this as a very helpful outlet for expressing all the things that you don't feel able to tell others.
It can also be a place in which you write your hopes, wishes and thoughts for your children.
It may also be helpful to write letters to your children, even if you cannot send them.
If possible, write by hand, as it is more personal and if you can send the letters, will be a memento of you for your children.
Use emails for faster contact and shorter messages, if that avenue is open to you.
If you can't send the letters, keep them all in a bundle somewhere safe.
It is cathartic to write them, and there may come a day when your children will get to read them and find answers they have been seeking for a long time. , Provided it is safe for your children to do so, arrange for them to visit you in your home country.
Ensure that this will not jeopardize their return to the new country, especially if this is where you believe they have the best opportunities for their future.
If they get used to coming back to see you, some sense of normality can be re-established and you will have something to look forward to.
If this is possible, try to make it as regular as possible.
If it turns out that you do not have this opportunity, perhaps ask them to at least write to you, to share a Facebook (or similar) page with you, to update you with photos and happenings. , This may not always be possible but it is definitely worth inquiring about and finding out what steps need to be taken.
Contact the consulate or high commission of that country for more details.
Having something practical and concrete to work towards may help you to cope better. , Expect time to heal but never completely mend.
However, you will survive and settle into a new way of living, new routines.
There will always be a pain in your heart, an ongoing sense of loss and lack of fulfillment.
It is therefore important to find things that can fill this space as best as possible, to help you to stay strong and recover.
Some of the things that might help you as the time goes on include:
Volunteering to help others, petitioning for changes in laws, finding a hobby, writing or keeping a blog, growing a garden, opening a small business, finding new love, getting a pet, and so forth.
While nothing will ever replace your lost children, keeping busy and giving yourself something worthwhile to pursue will help you to find your new anchor in life.
From the same person who has experienced this, another quote about coping after time:
It has been some years now, I have two grandsons, and I am learning to live my life, the one that after children, took me a minute to find out what that was, but I am enjoying the freedom of being free.
It feels good to know that God loves me, faults and all, and that is how I love my children.
They are blessed and highly favored. -
Step 3: Consider the situation from the children's perspective.
-
Step 4: Consider keeping a journal to document your feelings and memories.
-
Step 5: Plan ways to keep in touch and possible reunions.
-
Step 6: Work on the potential for getting citizenship in the country you were deported from.
-
Step 7: Find ways to make your life better.
Detailed Guide
Being parted from your children for a long-term basis due to deportation is a terrible experience to go through.
All of your emotions are normal responses to feeling loss and you will be experiencing grief.
You may experience anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness, depression, fear and many other feelings.
There is no time limit on your grief, some days will be much harder than others.
As the time proceeds, you will find constructive ways of coping that will help to ease the transition.
However, there are no rules about this––take each day as it comes.
This is not something that you should be experiencing alone.
Get help and support from family members, counselors, your doctor and friends.
Explain to them what has happened, how you are feeling and that you really need support right now.
Get help for depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.
Such conditions need gentle care and a recovery program so that you can become well again.
See a qualified health professional to help you work through your condition; choose someone whom you consider has compassion, deep understanding and a willingness to see this through with you long term.
If you cannot access such a person, seek help from a family member or friend who is able to be strong for you and take good care of you.
Here is a comment from someone who has gone through this experience, to give you a sense of the hurt involved and the need for help: t has taken some getting used to, all my children are gone and moved to their respective homes and families.
I never imagined that I would feel such loneliness in missing them.
There were times when I cried and prayed all night for their safety and that God would bless each of them richly.
The pain was so real and physical I had to speak with a psychiatrist to get a hold of my own mind., They have just lost a parent and will be feeling their own grief and sorrow at your departure.
Whether you have left them behind by choice or by necessity, they will be feeling loss and pain too.
It is important to look for the good things that can arise as a result of the children remaining behind, such as their opportunities for education, employment and health.
Although these things cannot make up for being apart, it can be a source of comfort to know that your children will be getting benefits that you want them to have access to.
Remind yourself what you have done for your children to this point in life.
You gave them life, you gave them opportunities.
Here is what person who has experienced this situation felt:
I prayed and prayed, God does hear, he showed me that as a parent I had done my job of clothing them, housing, feeding them and educating them and introducing them to Jesus.
It was only at this time that the heavy burden of guilt and condemnation left, there was no more for me to do, except wait for them to come to me, requesting my help instead of me forcing it upon them., You can use this as a very helpful outlet for expressing all the things that you don't feel able to tell others.
It can also be a place in which you write your hopes, wishes and thoughts for your children.
It may also be helpful to write letters to your children, even if you cannot send them.
If possible, write by hand, as it is more personal and if you can send the letters, will be a memento of you for your children.
Use emails for faster contact and shorter messages, if that avenue is open to you.
If you can't send the letters, keep them all in a bundle somewhere safe.
It is cathartic to write them, and there may come a day when your children will get to read them and find answers they have been seeking for a long time. , Provided it is safe for your children to do so, arrange for them to visit you in your home country.
Ensure that this will not jeopardize their return to the new country, especially if this is where you believe they have the best opportunities for their future.
If they get used to coming back to see you, some sense of normality can be re-established and you will have something to look forward to.
If this is possible, try to make it as regular as possible.
If it turns out that you do not have this opportunity, perhaps ask them to at least write to you, to share a Facebook (or similar) page with you, to update you with photos and happenings. , This may not always be possible but it is definitely worth inquiring about and finding out what steps need to be taken.
Contact the consulate or high commission of that country for more details.
Having something practical and concrete to work towards may help you to cope better. , Expect time to heal but never completely mend.
However, you will survive and settle into a new way of living, new routines.
There will always be a pain in your heart, an ongoing sense of loss and lack of fulfillment.
It is therefore important to find things that can fill this space as best as possible, to help you to stay strong and recover.
Some of the things that might help you as the time goes on include:
Volunteering to help others, petitioning for changes in laws, finding a hobby, writing or keeping a blog, growing a garden, opening a small business, finding new love, getting a pet, and so forth.
While nothing will ever replace your lost children, keeping busy and giving yourself something worthwhile to pursue will help you to find your new anchor in life.
From the same person who has experienced this, another quote about coping after time:
It has been some years now, I have two grandsons, and I am learning to live my life, the one that after children, took me a minute to find out what that was, but I am enjoying the freedom of being free.
It feels good to know that God loves me, faults and all, and that is how I love my children.
They are blessed and highly favored.
About the Author
Frank Long
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in home improvement and beyond.
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