How to Cut Ties with Toxic Friends As a Teenager
Talk to your friend in a public place., Consider writing a letter., Set boundaries, respectfully., Ask for help if things escalate.
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Talk to your friend in a public place.
While it's tempting to phase the person out of you life without telling her why, addressing your issues with your friend is a more mature and productive way to approach the situation.
It will help you learn to be assertive and set boundaries — important skills to learn as you become an adult.
This is probably the most upfront — but also hardest — method.
For one thing, you’ll have to be pretty honest.
You may also have to do it in-person.
Start by setting a time to talk.Ask your friend to talk.
You might decide to do it at school, at a cafe or restaurant, or at a park.
Since you’re dealing with a toxic personality, though, it’s best to choose a public place.
You might say, for example, “Hi, Sam, I think we should talk.
Can you come by during lunch in the cafeteria?” Plan out what you want to say in advance.
Have your reasons for cutting ties ready and in-mind before you meet the friend, e.g. “Look, Juan, I feel like we’ve been growing apart for a while now.
I don’t think we should hang out,” or, “Lynn, I think you’ve changed since we first met.
I’m not comfortable around you anymore because you use drugs and always talk about getting high.” Try using “I” statements, e.g. “I think...” and “I feel...” This will make your explanations less accusatory, and more about you than about the other person. -
Step 2: Consider writing a letter.
You might also consider putting your feelings and wishes down in a letter, if the thought of a face-to-face encounter is too much.
In this case, explain that you don’t think you should hang out anymore and the reasons why.
This letter can be your entire explanation or it can be a sort of “dress rehearsal” for a later talk.Don’t feel the need to give a huge explanation, but be clear and direct.
It’s enough to state your feelings, e.g. “Jason, I don’t think we should hang out anymore.
We seem to fight more often than we get along, and I feel sad and anxious when we fight.” Send the letter to your toxic friend, deliver it in person, or bring it to a talk.
In either case, make sure that the letter expresses your desires clearly, in a way that isn’t open to debate. , A toxic person might go to great lengths to stay in your life or refuse to accept your decision, leading to fighting and arguing.
Expect to have to define your limits.
Be firm but resist the urge to get angry or overly personal.Be firm.
This isn’t a negotiation and you have the right to decide who to be friends with.
Say something like, “Look, Tyreese, I can’t hang around with you anymore, because I feel overwhelmed when you talk about the problems you deal with.” Be willing to repeat your position.
To reduce the chance of hurt feelings, frame your decision in terms of you rather than your friend, e.g. “I just need a bit of space and the chance to hang out with other people.” Be specific about how much space you need, e.g. “I think we should limit our time together to once per month and limit calling to once per week.” Try to be respectful and avoid arguments.
Don’t use your breakup as an excuse to air grievances against your friend for all the things that he has ever done to you.
Don’t cut your friend off in a way that will be humiliating, either, like publicly on social media., The danger of saying something openly to a toxic friend is that the conversation can lead to anger, resentment, or, in the worst case, a violent outburst.
Remember to talk in a safe, public place.
And don’t hesitate to get help if things go wrong.
Walk away if your friend becomes belligerent and argumentative.
Just remove yourself from the situation.
Consider talking to a parent, teacher, guidance counselor, or other trusted adult if the toxic friend is unwilling to let go — or threatens, harasses, or bullies you. -
Step 3: Set boundaries
-
Step 4: respectfully.
-
Step 5: Ask for help if things escalate.
Detailed Guide
While it's tempting to phase the person out of you life without telling her why, addressing your issues with your friend is a more mature and productive way to approach the situation.
It will help you learn to be assertive and set boundaries — important skills to learn as you become an adult.
This is probably the most upfront — but also hardest — method.
For one thing, you’ll have to be pretty honest.
You may also have to do it in-person.
Start by setting a time to talk.Ask your friend to talk.
You might decide to do it at school, at a cafe or restaurant, or at a park.
Since you’re dealing with a toxic personality, though, it’s best to choose a public place.
You might say, for example, “Hi, Sam, I think we should talk.
Can you come by during lunch in the cafeteria?” Plan out what you want to say in advance.
Have your reasons for cutting ties ready and in-mind before you meet the friend, e.g. “Look, Juan, I feel like we’ve been growing apart for a while now.
I don’t think we should hang out,” or, “Lynn, I think you’ve changed since we first met.
I’m not comfortable around you anymore because you use drugs and always talk about getting high.” Try using “I” statements, e.g. “I think...” and “I feel...” This will make your explanations less accusatory, and more about you than about the other person.
You might also consider putting your feelings and wishes down in a letter, if the thought of a face-to-face encounter is too much.
In this case, explain that you don’t think you should hang out anymore and the reasons why.
This letter can be your entire explanation or it can be a sort of “dress rehearsal” for a later talk.Don’t feel the need to give a huge explanation, but be clear and direct.
It’s enough to state your feelings, e.g. “Jason, I don’t think we should hang out anymore.
We seem to fight more often than we get along, and I feel sad and anxious when we fight.” Send the letter to your toxic friend, deliver it in person, or bring it to a talk.
In either case, make sure that the letter expresses your desires clearly, in a way that isn’t open to debate. , A toxic person might go to great lengths to stay in your life or refuse to accept your decision, leading to fighting and arguing.
Expect to have to define your limits.
Be firm but resist the urge to get angry or overly personal.Be firm.
This isn’t a negotiation and you have the right to decide who to be friends with.
Say something like, “Look, Tyreese, I can’t hang around with you anymore, because I feel overwhelmed when you talk about the problems you deal with.” Be willing to repeat your position.
To reduce the chance of hurt feelings, frame your decision in terms of you rather than your friend, e.g. “I just need a bit of space and the chance to hang out with other people.” Be specific about how much space you need, e.g. “I think we should limit our time together to once per month and limit calling to once per week.” Try to be respectful and avoid arguments.
Don’t use your breakup as an excuse to air grievances against your friend for all the things that he has ever done to you.
Don’t cut your friend off in a way that will be humiliating, either, like publicly on social media., The danger of saying something openly to a toxic friend is that the conversation can lead to anger, resentment, or, in the worst case, a violent outburst.
Remember to talk in a safe, public place.
And don’t hesitate to get help if things go wrong.
Walk away if your friend becomes belligerent and argumentative.
Just remove yourself from the situation.
Consider talking to a parent, teacher, guidance counselor, or other trusted adult if the toxic friend is unwilling to let go — or threatens, harasses, or bullies you.
About the Author
Karen Murphy
Experienced content creator specializing in cooking guides and tutorials.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: