How to Deal With a Terrible Mother as an Adult
Back to the basics., There is reason behind each face., Distance yourself from her negative behaviours ., Discover how unpleasant dialogue/fights with her starts and when., Stop getting mad for petty things., Take care of yourself now for six months...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Back to the basics.
It is very simple, once you get a grip out of it, you will find a solution to it and it applies to each and every issue that you could ever encounter in your lifetime.
The secret is to being able to remember the good in the bad.
In this case we have an abusive mother, think of the very first memory that you have had with her.
For example; some might see themselves being fed by her.
How do we see that person, that individual, that we call 'mother'? In most cases we vision a; caring, loving, calming, perfect mother. -
Step 2: There is reason behind each face.
Why is she so unhappy? What were her parents/family life like? What are her frustrations or failed dreams for herself? How can you avoid falling into a pattern to not become like her? What are her expectations for herself and you? Your siblings? What are your expectations from her and your own behaviour? This is where you get in, this is how you will solve the problem. , Imagine you are from another planet and you are observing her dialogue and patterns of destructive behaviour.
What are her triggers? How do you respond to her outbursts or her drama? Write this all down, make a list, start taking notes.
Start with your behaviour towards her.
Write down pieces of any emotional conversations and look at it.
Are you feeding her behaviour in any way or adding fuel to the fire.
If you are then stop immediately. , Note the hot spots.
Is it each time you talk or just around certain people? What are the triggers? Self knowledge is power.
Your brothers and sisters may need help but you need to help yourself first to help them. , Understand that for your mother to strike out at you or favour one sibling over another has to do with her short comings as a person.
She might be aware or oblivious to how she is being so damaging.
Emotional behaviour is the hardest to change but you can become less involved and more objective.
It will make you stronger. , She will notice a change in you and may increase her attacks.
Stay calm, observe and keep writing. , Tell them you are trying to build a happier family life and need their help.
Hopefully, they will see your point of view and help you.
Do not get discouraged if you get a "no"
just continue and move on. , Some people are so toxic and damaging to be around that they will try to destroy you even if it is your own mother.
If this is the case then leave the relationship and don't talk to or visit her for an allotted amount of time.
Write her a letter and tell her you need some space but will contact her when the time is right.
The time might never be right but it's not impossible. , Start one step at a time becoming more independent.
In the long run, what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you are.
Her distorted opinion of you or your siblings don't count much if you can understand how hurtful and destructive it is.
Then your job can be to not to make her happy at all.
That does not make you a bad or selfish person but rather a realist. , Find solutions that might work for you in dealing with her and discuss it with them.
Tell them that you want them to have positive self images of themselves and to be strong.
Show a role model,a healthy mental behaviour towards them and her.
Console them if they are in pain. , It is the number one reason people stay in destructive relationships.
You are responsible for yourself not her. -
Step 3: Distance yourself from her negative behaviours .
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Step 4: Discover how unpleasant dialogue/fights with her starts and when.
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Step 5: Stop getting mad for petty things.
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Step 6: Take care of yourself now for six months be only the observer not caught up in the drama.
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Step 7: Try to talk to and interview each of your siblings.
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Step 8: Reflect on whether it is healthy to keep a relationship with her.
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Step 9: Believe that being a child of an unhappy individual is very hard and give yourself the room to be happy and create a life.
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Step 10: Help your siblings when you are freed from her grasp.
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Step 11: Avoid feeling guilty.
Detailed Guide
It is very simple, once you get a grip out of it, you will find a solution to it and it applies to each and every issue that you could ever encounter in your lifetime.
The secret is to being able to remember the good in the bad.
In this case we have an abusive mother, think of the very first memory that you have had with her.
For example; some might see themselves being fed by her.
How do we see that person, that individual, that we call 'mother'? In most cases we vision a; caring, loving, calming, perfect mother.
Why is she so unhappy? What were her parents/family life like? What are her frustrations or failed dreams for herself? How can you avoid falling into a pattern to not become like her? What are her expectations for herself and you? Your siblings? What are your expectations from her and your own behaviour? This is where you get in, this is how you will solve the problem. , Imagine you are from another planet and you are observing her dialogue and patterns of destructive behaviour.
What are her triggers? How do you respond to her outbursts or her drama? Write this all down, make a list, start taking notes.
Start with your behaviour towards her.
Write down pieces of any emotional conversations and look at it.
Are you feeding her behaviour in any way or adding fuel to the fire.
If you are then stop immediately. , Note the hot spots.
Is it each time you talk or just around certain people? What are the triggers? Self knowledge is power.
Your brothers and sisters may need help but you need to help yourself first to help them. , Understand that for your mother to strike out at you or favour one sibling over another has to do with her short comings as a person.
She might be aware or oblivious to how she is being so damaging.
Emotional behaviour is the hardest to change but you can become less involved and more objective.
It will make you stronger. , She will notice a change in you and may increase her attacks.
Stay calm, observe and keep writing. , Tell them you are trying to build a happier family life and need their help.
Hopefully, they will see your point of view and help you.
Do not get discouraged if you get a "no"
just continue and move on. , Some people are so toxic and damaging to be around that they will try to destroy you even if it is your own mother.
If this is the case then leave the relationship and don't talk to or visit her for an allotted amount of time.
Write her a letter and tell her you need some space but will contact her when the time is right.
The time might never be right but it's not impossible. , Start one step at a time becoming more independent.
In the long run, what your mother thinks of you is NOT who you are.
Her distorted opinion of you or your siblings don't count much if you can understand how hurtful and destructive it is.
Then your job can be to not to make her happy at all.
That does not make you a bad or selfish person but rather a realist. , Find solutions that might work for you in dealing with her and discuss it with them.
Tell them that you want them to have positive self images of themselves and to be strong.
Show a role model,a healthy mental behaviour towards them and her.
Console them if they are in pain. , It is the number one reason people stay in destructive relationships.
You are responsible for yourself not her.
About the Author
Ann Murphy
Creates helpful guides on home improvement to inspire and educate readers.
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