How to Deal with Elderly Alcoholic Parents As an Adult
Avoid conversations while they’re drinking., Choose your wording carefully., Discuss your observations., Have mini conversations., Know when to drop the issue.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Avoid conversations while they’re drinking.
If your parent picks up the phone and you can tell they’ve been drinking, say that you will call back or talk another time.
Talking to someone who’s been drinking can be difficult and cause you to become angry.
It will also be difficult for your parent to absorb or respond appropriately to what you are trying to say to them if they are not sober and rational.
Even if you’re upset, avoid expressing that while your parent is under the influence.
Wait to talk about it later.If you need to end a conversation, say, “Let’s speak later, I can tell now is not a good time,” or say, “I can tell you’ve been drinking and I don’t want to talk to you right now.
Please call me when you are sober.” If you know you parent tends to drink in the evenings, plan to talk to them earlier in the day. -
Step 2: Choose your wording carefully.
When speaking with your parent, be careful in how you speak.
You may choose not to use the words “alcoholic” as this might make them feel ashamed or bad, which may lead to more drinking.
The word “alcoholic” carries some stigma, so say “your drinking habits” or “alcohol use” instead.When you speak to your parent, avoid getting angry or upset and instead, focus on being gentle and loving.
Focus your words on yourself and less on your parent.
Use “I” statements as a way to avoid blaming your parent and take ownership of your feelings.For example, say, “I feel sad and disappointed when you miss time to play with your grandchildren because of alcohol.” This is less accusing than saying, “You choose alcohol over your grandkids and we don’t like that.” Remember that your parent is probably already aware that they have a problem.
Speaking to them in a harsh or judgmental way will not improve the situation.
Let them know that you are on their side and ready to help, if they are willing to accept help. , If you think your parent needs help, talk to them about it.
They may not realize they have become an alcoholic or may be in denial.
Stating the behaviors you see can show that you are noticing changes related to alcohol.Say, “I’ve noticed our phone calls have been different lately.
You’ve been slurring your words and it’s hard to understand you.
Is something going on?” You can also say, “I can tell you’re drinking again by the way you walk and talk.” , Instead of having one giant conversation about alcoholism, have some small conversations that show that you are concerned.
Before staging a full intervention, take moments to say how your parent’s drinking makes you feel.
Let them know that you notice their drinking habits and the harm they are causing.
If they remain hesitant to seek help, then it may be time to arrange an intervention with a professional.Say, “I’m concerned about you.
I’ve noticed you drinking much more since Mom died.
I’m sad, too, but drinking won’t help the pain go away.” , If your parent refuses to accept they have a problem and their physical or emotional health is deteriorating, it may be best to take a break from talking about their alcohol use.
You may need to redirect your efforts to focus on their health.
However, speak to their physician about your concerns, especially about their drinking habits. -
Step 3: Discuss your observations.
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Step 4: Have mini conversations.
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Step 5: Know when to drop the issue.
Detailed Guide
If your parent picks up the phone and you can tell they’ve been drinking, say that you will call back or talk another time.
Talking to someone who’s been drinking can be difficult and cause you to become angry.
It will also be difficult for your parent to absorb or respond appropriately to what you are trying to say to them if they are not sober and rational.
Even if you’re upset, avoid expressing that while your parent is under the influence.
Wait to talk about it later.If you need to end a conversation, say, “Let’s speak later, I can tell now is not a good time,” or say, “I can tell you’ve been drinking and I don’t want to talk to you right now.
Please call me when you are sober.” If you know you parent tends to drink in the evenings, plan to talk to them earlier in the day.
When speaking with your parent, be careful in how you speak.
You may choose not to use the words “alcoholic” as this might make them feel ashamed or bad, which may lead to more drinking.
The word “alcoholic” carries some stigma, so say “your drinking habits” or “alcohol use” instead.When you speak to your parent, avoid getting angry or upset and instead, focus on being gentle and loving.
Focus your words on yourself and less on your parent.
Use “I” statements as a way to avoid blaming your parent and take ownership of your feelings.For example, say, “I feel sad and disappointed when you miss time to play with your grandchildren because of alcohol.” This is less accusing than saying, “You choose alcohol over your grandkids and we don’t like that.” Remember that your parent is probably already aware that they have a problem.
Speaking to them in a harsh or judgmental way will not improve the situation.
Let them know that you are on their side and ready to help, if they are willing to accept help. , If you think your parent needs help, talk to them about it.
They may not realize they have become an alcoholic or may be in denial.
Stating the behaviors you see can show that you are noticing changes related to alcohol.Say, “I’ve noticed our phone calls have been different lately.
You’ve been slurring your words and it’s hard to understand you.
Is something going on?” You can also say, “I can tell you’re drinking again by the way you walk and talk.” , Instead of having one giant conversation about alcoholism, have some small conversations that show that you are concerned.
Before staging a full intervention, take moments to say how your parent’s drinking makes you feel.
Let them know that you notice their drinking habits and the harm they are causing.
If they remain hesitant to seek help, then it may be time to arrange an intervention with a professional.Say, “I’m concerned about you.
I’ve noticed you drinking much more since Mom died.
I’m sad, too, but drinking won’t help the pain go away.” , If your parent refuses to accept they have a problem and their physical or emotional health is deteriorating, it may be best to take a break from talking about their alcohol use.
You may need to redirect your efforts to focus on their health.
However, speak to their physician about your concerns, especially about their drinking habits.
About the Author
Dorothy Taylor
Specializes in breaking down complex organization topics into simple steps.
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