How to Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother In Laws

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Set boundaries.

   Let MIL know that she needs to pre-arrange a visit in case your family is busy.
   
   Don't make decisions right away.
   
   Say "Spouse & I will discuss and get back to you".
   
   If she's not getting the point, remove her ability to intrude.
   
   Does she have a key to your house and uses it without permission? If so, calmly let her know that you need advance warning for a visit and ask for it back.
   
   If she refuses, discreetly change the locks.
2. 2

   Step 2: If you don't have an answering machine or voice mail

   Screen calls — you should be the one to decide when you want company — not the other way around. , You have to be very gentle because you're putting them in a position where they have to deny the wants of their mother, and they have a longer history than you do.
   
   Talk with them calmly about your top 3 issues (don't just whine about them all) and ask for their support in changing the situation. , Ideally they should be the one to set boundaries for their new family, as she will have to accept what they say, but you and they need to 100% agree on the problem, the expectations and the approach to change the situation.
   
   There is a lot of leeway for guilt and emotional manipulation in these discussions.
   
   Try to do the right thing by your husband and respect his relationship with his mother, but explain your needs for your family's personal space, autonomy, and your right to make your own mistakes since it's your life that you're living.
   
   You are old enough (and wise enough) to plan and live your lives without parental interference. , Some of the behaviours may be directly offensive, others may be secret and manipulative.
   
   Open your heart.
   
   She's not a demon.
   
   She is just having difficulty emotionally separating from her son. , Try to repair your relationship by going with her on some of these activities.
   
   She would have given up a lot to raise the spouse you love and now she doesn't know where to get her needs met. , Remind her that she has a wonderful, long relationship (with someone other than her child!) and ask them how they've made it last. , Perhaps tell MIL & FIL that you'd like them to cultivate a special relationship with their grandchildren.
   
   Would they like to mind them for one Sunday a month? This will give you time to improve your relationship with hubby to cope with the times that MIL drives you up the wall.
   
   Be sure to set boundaries about child cre, timings and the like and let them know that they need to respect your parenting style if you will spend time with them. ,, One can't live vicariously through the lives of others, but mothers are often asked to do that in order to raise children and support husbands.
   
   Her trying to run your life for you is a continuation of what she's done for the last few decades for her own family. , If nothing works, consider moving.
   
   That might be an extreme step, but the happiness of your own family is important, and the distance may minimize unwelcome drop-in visits.
   
   But it also may mean extended sleep-over visits.
3. 3

   Step 3: get one (or both).

4. 4

   Step 4: Be aware of the pressure your actions will have on your spouse.

5. 5

   Step 5: Speak to your husband about their role in your relationship with MIL.

6. 6

   Step 6: Make a list of conflicts and come up with workable solutions.

7. 7

   Step 7: Encourage her to pursue some of the interests she has lost touch with.

8. 8

   Step 8: Encourage her relationship with her spouse.

9. 9

   Step 9: Give them a new role.

10. 10

    Step 10: It will only be a matter of time until MIL and FIL will age and need to depend on you and your spouse more for physical and perhaps financial support

11. 11

    Step 11: so do try to set those boundaries and show them some love.

12. 12

    Step 12: Recognize what she's dealt with.

13. 13

    Step 13: You absolutely need to be gentle with her feelings or you will lose support of your husband and you need to present a united front if things are to change.

Detailed Guide

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