How to Enforce Good Behavior with Positive Discipline
Offer praise and affection., Allow your child to make choices., Attend to positive behaviors, not negative behaviors., Communicate your expectations., Show your child how to change negative behavior into positive behavior., Engage in...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Offer praise and affection.
Regularly give your child verbal praise and physical affection.
If your child completes a task, say, “You worked really hard on that and it shows! Great work.” You can give your child a high-five or a hug as affirmation.Even if your child makes a mistake or receives an undesired outcome, praise the effort and not the outcome.
You can say, “ I know that’s not what you wanted, but you worked hard and put a lot of effort into that project.
I’m proud that you stuck with it and gave it your best.” -
Step 2: Allow your child to make choices.
Instead of asking, “What do you want to play?” say to your child, “You can have blocks or cars.
Which would you like?” Give your child choices instead of leaving options open.
When giving choices, make sure they are not overwhelming.Keep the wording brief and allow no more than three options.
You can use this in response to undesired situations too.
For example, if your child is upset about not wearing the outfit he or she chose, say, “Would you like to wear these pants or those? This or that shirt?” Keep choices realistic with outcomes you can handle.
Don’t offer a choice you secretly wouldn’t like your child to choose. , If your child is trying to get your attention by acting out, don’t enforce these behaviors.
If a child throws a tantrum and you do not respond, the child will learn that there is a different way to behave that you will respond to.
Likewise, praise the behaviors you want to see.Trust that your kids are inherently good.
If your child is acting out, find reasons for it.
For instance, if your children are young, are they hot, tired, or hungry? Did they sleep well? It can be very difficult for children to cope with situations if they are not feeling 100% physically.
Even older kids and teens might display behaviors that might seem like they are acting out, but as kids mature, the reason they are upset could have more of an emotional origin because of their increased ability to comprehend the world around them.
In addition, even teens can go through a great deal of physical discomfort as their bodies and brain grow.
Try and go to one of these reasons first.
Regardless of age, check in with your child's status first.
Ask your kids how they are feeling.
If your kid is acting out, but he’s having growing pains, you have your answer.
Then you can see what might help your child feel more comfortable, like a nice warm bath.
Praise your kids for sharing their concerns, worries, and physical status with you.
It also helps them feel special when you thank them for the opportunity to help them.
For example, if your child responds well to a frustrating situation, say, “I can tell that made you frustrated, but you stayed calm and didn’t hit or yell.
I’m really proud of you!” , Your child should know what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Have some clear family rules and limits.Generally, children want to please parents.
By having clearly defined rules and limits, children can have a good understanding of expectations and consequences.
Clearly explain rules and limits in simple language.
You may want to visually display them to help children remember.
Make sure rules and limits are developmentally appropriate for your child’s age or stage of development.
For example, a reward can be given for following rules, like a small toy for a young child or tv time for an older child.
Consequences may be taking away privileges, which might include not getting a reward (like a dessert or tv time) or having limited access to wifi or the phone.
For more information on appropriate limits and behavior, check out How to Discipline a Child According to Age. , Instead of just pointing out where behaviors are negative, show when they can be positive.
This can help the child to understand when the behavior is appropriate and when it is inappropriate.
For example, say, “Use your markers on the paper, not on your clothes.” You can also say, “If you want to throw something, it’s okay to go outside and play basketball.
Throwing toys doesn’t happen in the house.” , Help your child to solve the problem.
Ask questions about how your child can approach the situation differently or see things from a different perspective.
Encouraging your child to problem solve can empower and help her to take this approach in the future.For example, if your child is upset with a sibling, say, “I can see this is hard for you.
What do you think you can do to not feel upset? Do you think you can take a break? What about doing a different activity? How do you think you can solve fighting with your brother?” , Instead of pointing out the negative (like having to stop playing), draw attention to the positives (like you're stopping play so you can go to her favorite restaurant).
You can do this even as you set limits.
A child will more likely respond to your “yes” than your “no.”Say, “Yes, we have to stop playing now.
Yes, we can leave your block castle up.
Once we clean up we are going to your favorite restaurant and yes, you can have the grilled cheese if you want.” , Children often act out their feelings, but it’s beneficial for them to label their emotions so that they can better respond to them.
If your child is throwing a tantrum, say, “Are you feeling angry?” For younger children, you can try, “You seem upset to me.
Is something the matter? How can I help you?” For an older child, you can say, “What’s going on? I can see you feel strongly about this.”Reinforce that emotions are okay to feel, even negative emotions.
Yet, correct any behavior at the same time.
Say, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.” , If a child is struggling with a particular activity, redirect to a different activity.
Redirection cuts the child off from continuing the behavior and enforces that those behaviors won’t be tolerated.
When redirecting, clearly say what behavior is not tolerated.For example, you can say, “Playing with blocks isn’t working because you’re throwing the blocks, and we don’t throw things.
We’re going to play with the puzzles now.” , Children want to behave well.
Children are doing the best they can, and if they misbehave, there’s likely a reason behind the behavior.
Once you discover what drives the behavior, it’s much easier to address the emotions or remove the cause of the behavior.The child may be saying, “Please notice me,” or, “I’m frustrated and I give up.” A child may also misbehave as a way to say, “I feel hurt so I’m hurting others,” or, “I want my way and to be in control.” By thinking about what the behavior is linked to, you can then start to find solutions.
If a child is tired or hungry, it’s unlikely that he will respond to “Stop whining.” Ask yourself, “What is my child’s need right now?” and approach the misbehavior that way. , Instead of trying to get your child to behave differently, make sure you are in control of your own emotions.Especially if you’re trying to get your child to stop misbehaving, make sure you are not misbehaving! If you’re feeling especially frustrated or angry with your child, take a deep breath.
Take note of your feelings and ask yourself, “Do I want to interact with my child in this state?” You may need to walk away or choose different words.
Instead of yelling, try a song instead.
Sing a simple song, such as, “Uh oh, you’re sad about leaving, but it’s time to go.” Or, you can redirect the conversation.
After all, what kid really wants to leave the playground? Give her something to look forward to, such as, “It’s time to go get a drink,” or “I was hoping we could get home so we have enough time to do (the child’s favorite activity) together.” , Don’t display behaviors you don’t want your child to show.
For example, if you yell, scream, or throw things, it shouldn’t be surprising if your child begins to mimic these actions.
Yelling often leads to more yelling, frustration to more frustration.Monitor how you interact with your child and make changes when you notice them.
If you are frustrated with a task, use it as a learning opportunity for your child.
Say, “Wow, I feel really frustrated right now.
I want to yell and be angry, but I know that taking a break will help me more.
I’m going to sit down for a minute,” then take a moment to go to your bedroom and do some deep breathing.
Be honest and respectful to your child and to those around you when your child is present.
Behave in ways you want your child to behave and your child will learn from your example. , Defiance can be a sign that the caregiver-child relationship is not fully supported.
A child should be able to take direction (or redirection) without much difficulty.
Turning the situation into a power struggle doesn’t benefit you or the child, and indicates that there is an issue with the relationship (don't worry — this happens occasionally).
Think about how to strengthen the relationship, not how to make the child do what you want.Instead of seeing defiance as your child not respecting authority, see it as a disconnect in the relationship.
Then, find ways to strengthen the relationship.
This can include spending more enjoyable time together, playing together, or interacting with the child in a meaningful way.
Start by spending 20 minutes each day doing activities with the child such as drawing, playing blocks, or playing hide-and-go-seek. -
Step 3: Attend to positive behaviors
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Step 4: not negative behaviors.
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Step 5: Communicate your expectations.
-
Step 6: Show your child how to change negative behavior into positive behavior.
-
Step 7: Engage in problem-solving.
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Step 8: Say “yes” more than “no.” It’s easy to say
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Step 9: “stop whining
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Step 10: ” or
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Step 11: “no more playing
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Step 12: ” but try replacing your no’s with more yes’s.
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Step 13: Get in the habit of expressing feelings.
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Step 14: Redirect to a different activity.
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Step 15: Understand what drives the behavior.
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Step 16: Control yourself before trying to control your child.
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Step 17: Model the behaviors you want to see.
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Step 18: Redefine defiance.
Detailed Guide
Regularly give your child verbal praise and physical affection.
If your child completes a task, say, “You worked really hard on that and it shows! Great work.” You can give your child a high-five or a hug as affirmation.Even if your child makes a mistake or receives an undesired outcome, praise the effort and not the outcome.
You can say, “ I know that’s not what you wanted, but you worked hard and put a lot of effort into that project.
I’m proud that you stuck with it and gave it your best.”
Instead of asking, “What do you want to play?” say to your child, “You can have blocks or cars.
Which would you like?” Give your child choices instead of leaving options open.
When giving choices, make sure they are not overwhelming.Keep the wording brief and allow no more than three options.
You can use this in response to undesired situations too.
For example, if your child is upset about not wearing the outfit he or she chose, say, “Would you like to wear these pants or those? This or that shirt?” Keep choices realistic with outcomes you can handle.
Don’t offer a choice you secretly wouldn’t like your child to choose. , If your child is trying to get your attention by acting out, don’t enforce these behaviors.
If a child throws a tantrum and you do not respond, the child will learn that there is a different way to behave that you will respond to.
Likewise, praise the behaviors you want to see.Trust that your kids are inherently good.
If your child is acting out, find reasons for it.
For instance, if your children are young, are they hot, tired, or hungry? Did they sleep well? It can be very difficult for children to cope with situations if they are not feeling 100% physically.
Even older kids and teens might display behaviors that might seem like they are acting out, but as kids mature, the reason they are upset could have more of an emotional origin because of their increased ability to comprehend the world around them.
In addition, even teens can go through a great deal of physical discomfort as their bodies and brain grow.
Try and go to one of these reasons first.
Regardless of age, check in with your child's status first.
Ask your kids how they are feeling.
If your kid is acting out, but he’s having growing pains, you have your answer.
Then you can see what might help your child feel more comfortable, like a nice warm bath.
Praise your kids for sharing their concerns, worries, and physical status with you.
It also helps them feel special when you thank them for the opportunity to help them.
For example, if your child responds well to a frustrating situation, say, “I can tell that made you frustrated, but you stayed calm and didn’t hit or yell.
I’m really proud of you!” , Your child should know what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior.
Have some clear family rules and limits.Generally, children want to please parents.
By having clearly defined rules and limits, children can have a good understanding of expectations and consequences.
Clearly explain rules and limits in simple language.
You may want to visually display them to help children remember.
Make sure rules and limits are developmentally appropriate for your child’s age or stage of development.
For example, a reward can be given for following rules, like a small toy for a young child or tv time for an older child.
Consequences may be taking away privileges, which might include not getting a reward (like a dessert or tv time) or having limited access to wifi or the phone.
For more information on appropriate limits and behavior, check out How to Discipline a Child According to Age. , Instead of just pointing out where behaviors are negative, show when they can be positive.
This can help the child to understand when the behavior is appropriate and when it is inappropriate.
For example, say, “Use your markers on the paper, not on your clothes.” You can also say, “If you want to throw something, it’s okay to go outside and play basketball.
Throwing toys doesn’t happen in the house.” , Help your child to solve the problem.
Ask questions about how your child can approach the situation differently or see things from a different perspective.
Encouraging your child to problem solve can empower and help her to take this approach in the future.For example, if your child is upset with a sibling, say, “I can see this is hard for you.
What do you think you can do to not feel upset? Do you think you can take a break? What about doing a different activity? How do you think you can solve fighting with your brother?” , Instead of pointing out the negative (like having to stop playing), draw attention to the positives (like you're stopping play so you can go to her favorite restaurant).
You can do this even as you set limits.
A child will more likely respond to your “yes” than your “no.”Say, “Yes, we have to stop playing now.
Yes, we can leave your block castle up.
Once we clean up we are going to your favorite restaurant and yes, you can have the grilled cheese if you want.” , Children often act out their feelings, but it’s beneficial for them to label their emotions so that they can better respond to them.
If your child is throwing a tantrum, say, “Are you feeling angry?” For younger children, you can try, “You seem upset to me.
Is something the matter? How can I help you?” For an older child, you can say, “What’s going on? I can see you feel strongly about this.”Reinforce that emotions are okay to feel, even negative emotions.
Yet, correct any behavior at the same time.
Say, “It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not okay to hit.” , If a child is struggling with a particular activity, redirect to a different activity.
Redirection cuts the child off from continuing the behavior and enforces that those behaviors won’t be tolerated.
When redirecting, clearly say what behavior is not tolerated.For example, you can say, “Playing with blocks isn’t working because you’re throwing the blocks, and we don’t throw things.
We’re going to play with the puzzles now.” , Children want to behave well.
Children are doing the best they can, and if they misbehave, there’s likely a reason behind the behavior.
Once you discover what drives the behavior, it’s much easier to address the emotions or remove the cause of the behavior.The child may be saying, “Please notice me,” or, “I’m frustrated and I give up.” A child may also misbehave as a way to say, “I feel hurt so I’m hurting others,” or, “I want my way and to be in control.” By thinking about what the behavior is linked to, you can then start to find solutions.
If a child is tired or hungry, it’s unlikely that he will respond to “Stop whining.” Ask yourself, “What is my child’s need right now?” and approach the misbehavior that way. , Instead of trying to get your child to behave differently, make sure you are in control of your own emotions.Especially if you’re trying to get your child to stop misbehaving, make sure you are not misbehaving! If you’re feeling especially frustrated or angry with your child, take a deep breath.
Take note of your feelings and ask yourself, “Do I want to interact with my child in this state?” You may need to walk away or choose different words.
Instead of yelling, try a song instead.
Sing a simple song, such as, “Uh oh, you’re sad about leaving, but it’s time to go.” Or, you can redirect the conversation.
After all, what kid really wants to leave the playground? Give her something to look forward to, such as, “It’s time to go get a drink,” or “I was hoping we could get home so we have enough time to do (the child’s favorite activity) together.” , Don’t display behaviors you don’t want your child to show.
For example, if you yell, scream, or throw things, it shouldn’t be surprising if your child begins to mimic these actions.
Yelling often leads to more yelling, frustration to more frustration.Monitor how you interact with your child and make changes when you notice them.
If you are frustrated with a task, use it as a learning opportunity for your child.
Say, “Wow, I feel really frustrated right now.
I want to yell and be angry, but I know that taking a break will help me more.
I’m going to sit down for a minute,” then take a moment to go to your bedroom and do some deep breathing.
Be honest and respectful to your child and to those around you when your child is present.
Behave in ways you want your child to behave and your child will learn from your example. , Defiance can be a sign that the caregiver-child relationship is not fully supported.
A child should be able to take direction (or redirection) without much difficulty.
Turning the situation into a power struggle doesn’t benefit you or the child, and indicates that there is an issue with the relationship (don't worry — this happens occasionally).
Think about how to strengthen the relationship, not how to make the child do what you want.Instead of seeing defiance as your child not respecting authority, see it as a disconnect in the relationship.
Then, find ways to strengthen the relationship.
This can include spending more enjoyable time together, playing together, or interacting with the child in a meaningful way.
Start by spending 20 minutes each day doing activities with the child such as drawing, playing blocks, or playing hide-and-go-seek.
About the Author
Grace Hall
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in practical skills and beyond.
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