How to Explain Funerals to Children
Sit your child down., Find out what the child knows about death., Explain what “dead” means in simple language., Discuss your cultural beliefs., Try to avoid euphemisms like “sleep” or “went away.” These euphemisms might confuse children, and cause...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Sit your child down.
Before broaching the subject of death and funerals, find a time to sit your child down.
Use this time to find out what they already know and to fill in any gaps in their knowledge of death and dying.
Choose a calm time of day to talk about the subject, perhaps in the morning or during a time when you usually read to your child.
Other opportunities to talk about death and dying with children are when they encounter a dead plant, tree insect, or animal, like a bird.
Reinforce the idea that all living things die, but that it is a natural process that allows for new things to join everyone on Earth. -
Step 2: Find out what the child knows about death.
Find out what your child already knows about death by asking them what they think about it.
You can ask them, “What do you think happens when something dies?” or “Do you remember the dead flower? Why do you think it died?” Preschool children generally see death as reversible and temporary because they have no concept of permanence or experience with death to give them context.
Children of this age are in what Piaget has called the pre-operational stage of development.During this time, children may have a hard time with abstract concepts in general, such as death.
By the time children are between the ages of 5 and 9, they come to understand death as more permanent and absolute.
However, they usually do not relate it to themselves.From the age of nine and through adolescence, children begin to fully comprehend the meaning of death, particularly the idea that they too will die someday. , When explaining death to your child, use straightforward, simple language.
It helps to explain death as the absence of familiar life functions.
Also, when explaining death, make sure to use reassuring language.
Your child might ask questions about their death, as well as your death.
The child might ask, "When will you die?" Your child asks this because they need reassurance that you will be there to take care of them.
You can respond, "Don't worry.
I will be here to take care of you.
I don't expect to die for a very long time, and as long as I am alive, Mommy will take care of you."You can also reassure your child by telling them that most people live for a very long time before they die, and that it was not their fault that Grandma died.
When you explain death you can say, “I have some sad news.
Grandma died today.
Her heart stopped beating.
She does not breath in and out anymore.
She cannot eat, see, hear or move.
She cannot feel pain or be hurt either.
It is different from sleeping because all your body parts still work when you are sleeping.
But Grandma’s body parts have stopped working.”, You can also reassure your child by discussing your cultural beliefs about life, death, and the afterlife.
Your child will most likely ask where the deceased person is going and what will happen with their body.
The best answer is to say what you honestly think and feel.
If you believe there is a heaven in the afterlife, tell your child that their loved one is going to a beautiful place where they will be happy.
If you don't believe in the afterlife, you can tell your child that these things are a mystery.If you're uncomfortable talking with your child about what happened to the deceased's body, you can always refer your child to someone they trust.
For example, they might talk to a family member or a relative, or someone with professional experience, like a clergy member or a member of the hospice staff.It is important to try to answer all their questions, and answer them in simple terms.
They may repeat the questions they don't fully understand the answers to.
This is normal. , For example, a child may be afraid of sleeping or taking naps if you equate death with sleeping.
Or, they might develop anxiety around separation, if they are told that someone “went away” when they died.It is also problematic to tell your child that someone died because of a sickness.
Your child does not fully comprehend the difference between a serious illness, like cancer, and a temporary sickness, like a sore throat.
Reassure your child by saying, "Only very, very serious illnesses may cause death.
Everyone gets sick, but we usually get better again.
Remember when Mommy had a stomach ache, and got better again?"
Remember to be honest about the situation and your feelings.
Don’t try to hide your feelings from your child.
Showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your child an example to follow.
Holding back your feelings might give the impression that your child should repress their feelings, too.
Let your children know that feeling sad, mad, confused, and crying are normal, healthy responses during this time.You can tell your child, for example, “It is okay to feel sad and to cry.
Don’t worry, I will take care of you.” On the other hand, it may take your child a minute to process the information and they might not respond right away.
This is OK.
Let them process the information.
They will most likely bring the subject up on their own at a later time. -
Step 3: Explain what “dead” means in simple language.
-
Step 4: Discuss your cultural beliefs.
-
Step 5: Try to avoid euphemisms like “sleep” or “went away.” These euphemisms might confuse children
-
Step 6: and cause them unnecessary fear.
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Step 7: Be honest and don’t hide your feelings.
Detailed Guide
Before broaching the subject of death and funerals, find a time to sit your child down.
Use this time to find out what they already know and to fill in any gaps in their knowledge of death and dying.
Choose a calm time of day to talk about the subject, perhaps in the morning or during a time when you usually read to your child.
Other opportunities to talk about death and dying with children are when they encounter a dead plant, tree insect, or animal, like a bird.
Reinforce the idea that all living things die, but that it is a natural process that allows for new things to join everyone on Earth.
Find out what your child already knows about death by asking them what they think about it.
You can ask them, “What do you think happens when something dies?” or “Do you remember the dead flower? Why do you think it died?” Preschool children generally see death as reversible and temporary because they have no concept of permanence or experience with death to give them context.
Children of this age are in what Piaget has called the pre-operational stage of development.During this time, children may have a hard time with abstract concepts in general, such as death.
By the time children are between the ages of 5 and 9, they come to understand death as more permanent and absolute.
However, they usually do not relate it to themselves.From the age of nine and through adolescence, children begin to fully comprehend the meaning of death, particularly the idea that they too will die someday. , When explaining death to your child, use straightforward, simple language.
It helps to explain death as the absence of familiar life functions.
Also, when explaining death, make sure to use reassuring language.
Your child might ask questions about their death, as well as your death.
The child might ask, "When will you die?" Your child asks this because they need reassurance that you will be there to take care of them.
You can respond, "Don't worry.
I will be here to take care of you.
I don't expect to die for a very long time, and as long as I am alive, Mommy will take care of you."You can also reassure your child by telling them that most people live for a very long time before they die, and that it was not their fault that Grandma died.
When you explain death you can say, “I have some sad news.
Grandma died today.
Her heart stopped beating.
She does not breath in and out anymore.
She cannot eat, see, hear or move.
She cannot feel pain or be hurt either.
It is different from sleeping because all your body parts still work when you are sleeping.
But Grandma’s body parts have stopped working.”, You can also reassure your child by discussing your cultural beliefs about life, death, and the afterlife.
Your child will most likely ask where the deceased person is going and what will happen with their body.
The best answer is to say what you honestly think and feel.
If you believe there is a heaven in the afterlife, tell your child that their loved one is going to a beautiful place where they will be happy.
If you don't believe in the afterlife, you can tell your child that these things are a mystery.If you're uncomfortable talking with your child about what happened to the deceased's body, you can always refer your child to someone they trust.
For example, they might talk to a family member or a relative, or someone with professional experience, like a clergy member or a member of the hospice staff.It is important to try to answer all their questions, and answer them in simple terms.
They may repeat the questions they don't fully understand the answers to.
This is normal. , For example, a child may be afraid of sleeping or taking naps if you equate death with sleeping.
Or, they might develop anxiety around separation, if they are told that someone “went away” when they died.It is also problematic to tell your child that someone died because of a sickness.
Your child does not fully comprehend the difference between a serious illness, like cancer, and a temporary sickness, like a sore throat.
Reassure your child by saying, "Only very, very serious illnesses may cause death.
Everyone gets sick, but we usually get better again.
Remember when Mommy had a stomach ache, and got better again?"
Remember to be honest about the situation and your feelings.
Don’t try to hide your feelings from your child.
Showing and verbalizing your own pain gives your child an example to follow.
Holding back your feelings might give the impression that your child should repress their feelings, too.
Let your children know that feeling sad, mad, confused, and crying are normal, healthy responses during this time.You can tell your child, for example, “It is okay to feel sad and to cry.
Don’t worry, I will take care of you.” On the other hand, it may take your child a minute to process the information and they might not respond right away.
This is OK.
Let them process the information.
They will most likely bring the subject up on their own at a later time.
About the Author
William Cruz
Writer and educator with a focus on practical lifestyle knowledge.
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