How to Get a Strict Extended Family to Welcome Your Out of Wedlock Kids
Talk to your family in small groups., Arrange a time to talk to your extended family., Explain your side calmly., Describe the children to them., Listen to their side., Talk with someone your family trusts.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Talk to your family in small groups.
Instead of trying to talk to your family all at once, consider talking to them either individually or in small groups.
This may be easier than talking to the family all at once.
You may be able to convince some family members to accept your children while others may take longer to come around.
You should talk to the family without your children.
This will help you and the family member focus on the issue without any distractions.
If you get upset, your child will not be there to witness it. -
Step 2: Arrange a time to talk to your extended family.
Though it may not be what you want to do, you should sit down and talk to your extended family members.
Explain to your family members that you want to talk about your children because you would like to include them in your children’s life.Start with the family members you believe will be most accepting.
It may help you to get a few people on your side before you talk with family members who will be less willing to accept your children.
When you talk to your extended family about starting a relationship with you and your children, you should do it alone.
The children should not be present.
Remain neutral instead of hostile.
Remember, this discussion is aimed at coming to a place where they will accept your children.
Say to them, “I would like to talk to you about my children.
Could we arrange a meeting?” If they do not know you have children, you may say, "I would like to share something with you.
It may be a difficult conversation."
When you talk to your extended family, you should explain your situation and your feelings.
There are many different situations where you may have children out of wedlock.
Your family may always have known about your children, you may just have learned you have children, or you may have finally decided to tell your family about the children you've kept from them.
No matter the situation, tell your family that you care about them because they are your family, and you would like for them to get to know your children and accept them.If you are telling them about the children for the first time, you can say, "I know you may not approve, but I have children that I have had out of wedlock.
I want you to be part of their lives." When you have just learned about a child, you may say, "I have just discovered that I have a child.
I know I am not married, but I am going to be part of my child's life, and I would like you to be in their life, too." You may want to explain why you have had your children out of wedlock.
For example, you may not be interested in getting married, you may not be able to legally get married, or you may have accidentally conceived.
You may explain that you did not know you had a child until recently.
If you feel comfortable sharing this with your family, then you could try saying something like, "I know I am still in a little bit of a shock finding out that I have a child, so I can imagine that it is hard for you too." Tell them that it hurts you that they do not accept your children.
As family, you may want to be around them and have a relationship with them, but this is not possible if they don’t accept your children.
Try saying something like, " I know your values make this really hard, but I am asking that you get to know your grandchild--who didn't do anything wrong."
During the conversation, tell them about your children.
Show them pictures or videos.
Sometimes, disapproving family members only think about the idea of the out of wedlock kids.
When they start seeing the children as people, they may start to give in.
You may say, “My children are loving and wonderful kids.
You would be lucky to be in their lives.
It’s not fair your disapproval of them is keeping you from knowing them.” If you have just learned about your child, you can say, "I am very excited about my child.
They are sweet, loving, and wonderful.
They are excited about me being in their life, along with my family."
Part of having a difficult conversation is listening to the other side.
Ask them to explain why they feel the way they do.
After they have explained their position, tell them you understand, but you would like to move forward and have a relationship with them.For example, you may say, “I understand you disapprove of the way my kids were conceived.
I respect your opinion.
However, that happened in the past.
I am a person, and my children are people.
We would like to be treated with respect and be in your lives.” , If you need help talking to your family, you may want to seek help from an outside mediator.
This person could give advice to both sides in an objective way.
They can help you find ways to approach your family members while helping your hesitant family members come around.
You will need to ask your family if they will agree to go see an outside source to talk through the problem.
You might say, "I believe objective advice can help our situation.
Would you be willing to see someone that can help us?" A pastor or other religious leader may be helpful if the root of your family's reluctance is on religious grounds.
You may want to talk to the religious leader first to explain your situation and figure out how they can help you.
You can tell your family, "I know that you disapprove of my children because they were born out of wedlock.
I would like to go talk to our pastor for advice on how to deal with this situation." Family counseling may also help, if your family members are willing to go see a counselor. -
Step 3: Explain your side calmly.
-
Step 4: Describe the children to them.
-
Step 5: Listen to their side.
-
Step 6: Talk with someone your family trusts.
Detailed Guide
Instead of trying to talk to your family all at once, consider talking to them either individually or in small groups.
This may be easier than talking to the family all at once.
You may be able to convince some family members to accept your children while others may take longer to come around.
You should talk to the family without your children.
This will help you and the family member focus on the issue without any distractions.
If you get upset, your child will not be there to witness it.
Though it may not be what you want to do, you should sit down and talk to your extended family members.
Explain to your family members that you want to talk about your children because you would like to include them in your children’s life.Start with the family members you believe will be most accepting.
It may help you to get a few people on your side before you talk with family members who will be less willing to accept your children.
When you talk to your extended family about starting a relationship with you and your children, you should do it alone.
The children should not be present.
Remain neutral instead of hostile.
Remember, this discussion is aimed at coming to a place where they will accept your children.
Say to them, “I would like to talk to you about my children.
Could we arrange a meeting?” If they do not know you have children, you may say, "I would like to share something with you.
It may be a difficult conversation."
When you talk to your extended family, you should explain your situation and your feelings.
There are many different situations where you may have children out of wedlock.
Your family may always have known about your children, you may just have learned you have children, or you may have finally decided to tell your family about the children you've kept from them.
No matter the situation, tell your family that you care about them because they are your family, and you would like for them to get to know your children and accept them.If you are telling them about the children for the first time, you can say, "I know you may not approve, but I have children that I have had out of wedlock.
I want you to be part of their lives." When you have just learned about a child, you may say, "I have just discovered that I have a child.
I know I am not married, but I am going to be part of my child's life, and I would like you to be in their life, too." You may want to explain why you have had your children out of wedlock.
For example, you may not be interested in getting married, you may not be able to legally get married, or you may have accidentally conceived.
You may explain that you did not know you had a child until recently.
If you feel comfortable sharing this with your family, then you could try saying something like, "I know I am still in a little bit of a shock finding out that I have a child, so I can imagine that it is hard for you too." Tell them that it hurts you that they do not accept your children.
As family, you may want to be around them and have a relationship with them, but this is not possible if they don’t accept your children.
Try saying something like, " I know your values make this really hard, but I am asking that you get to know your grandchild--who didn't do anything wrong."
During the conversation, tell them about your children.
Show them pictures or videos.
Sometimes, disapproving family members only think about the idea of the out of wedlock kids.
When they start seeing the children as people, they may start to give in.
You may say, “My children are loving and wonderful kids.
You would be lucky to be in their lives.
It’s not fair your disapproval of them is keeping you from knowing them.” If you have just learned about your child, you can say, "I am very excited about my child.
They are sweet, loving, and wonderful.
They are excited about me being in their life, along with my family."
Part of having a difficult conversation is listening to the other side.
Ask them to explain why they feel the way they do.
After they have explained their position, tell them you understand, but you would like to move forward and have a relationship with them.For example, you may say, “I understand you disapprove of the way my kids were conceived.
I respect your opinion.
However, that happened in the past.
I am a person, and my children are people.
We would like to be treated with respect and be in your lives.” , If you need help talking to your family, you may want to seek help from an outside mediator.
This person could give advice to both sides in an objective way.
They can help you find ways to approach your family members while helping your hesitant family members come around.
You will need to ask your family if they will agree to go see an outside source to talk through the problem.
You might say, "I believe objective advice can help our situation.
Would you be willing to see someone that can help us?" A pastor or other religious leader may be helpful if the root of your family's reluctance is on religious grounds.
You may want to talk to the religious leader first to explain your situation and figure out how they can help you.
You can tell your family, "I know that you disapprove of my children because they were born out of wedlock.
I would like to go talk to our pastor for advice on how to deal with this situation." Family counseling may also help, if your family members are willing to go see a counselor.
About the Author
Brenda Wright
Committed to making DIY projects accessible and understandable for everyone.
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