How to Heal Family Wounds
Find a time to meet in person., Establish ground rules for the discussion., Express yourself with love., Listen to each other., Agree to move on., Stay in touch.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Find a time to meet in person.
Confronting past grievances in a face-to-face meeting can help bridge old rifts and improve communication.
If you have ongoing conflict and you’re a tight-knit family, you might even want to arrange a standing weekly or biweekly family meeting where everyone gets together to talk.
This will help to keep everyone abreast of current issues and give everyone the opportunity to express themselves.Many families are dispersed across wide-ranging geographical boundaries, so getting together in person can be a somewhat rare occurrence.
It may be necessary to talk over the phone or video chat.
Even if the next such occurrence is a few months away, you can use the intervening time to organize your thoughts and plan your peaceful confrontation.
If the only time your family gets together is the holidays, try not to use this as a time to work out your problems.
People put a lot of expectations of magic of the holidays, and they can become more emotional and irrational when they feel that their holidays are ruined and become resentful of whomever they feel is responsible.
Also, it can make people start to dread the holidays, as they come to associate them with stress and fighting.
Reserve the holidays for savoring family time and find another time to talk about serious issues. -
Step 2: Establish ground rules for the discussion.
Since the conflicts you’re addressing are deeply personal, discussions can get heated quickly.
Excessive emotion can derail the conversation and make it almost impossible to reach a productive resolution, so you should try to keep things calm and controlled.
Do this by establishing a general code of conduct which forbids certain destructive behaviors, such as interrupting, bringing up unrelated quarrels, and name-calling.It can be helpful to enlist the input of the other party in formulating these rules so they don't feel like you are just parenting or lecturing them.
Regulating the discussion can be easier if you have a disinterested party like a family friend or level-headed relative to mediate your discussion.If you have a big family but your lingering resentment involves just one or two other family members, you’ll probably want to carve out a special appointment or time when just the aggrieved parties (and potentially a mediator) can meet and talk.
This will avoid unnecessary interference from well-meaning relatives. , You might assume that everyone in the family knows how much you love them, but this isn’t necessarily true.
In fact, people often feel neglected when love isn’t expressly articulated, so you should make sure to say it often, especially during an argument which addresses old wounds.So, when explaining your side of the story, make sure to do so with explicit declarations of love and affection.
A good way to do this is bringing up positive memories and good times you’ve shared throughout the discussion.
You’ll be amazed how quickly these feel-good throwbacks will get everyone smiling and feeling closer.
For example, preface a statement about how you've been hurt with, "I love you, and the reason I'm bringing this up is because our relationship is so valuable to me."
You won’t make any progress in your confrontation if you use the time when others are speaking to plan upcoming responses.
Rather, you should be listening to others’ feelings and words with an open and empathetic mind.
Practice active listening by asking questions when you need clarification and repeating key points back to the person to ensure you understand.
This way you show you’re attentive and genuinely concerned with understanding them.You can also give small feedback gestures like nodding, leaning in, and light touches on the arm in order to make your interlocutor feel attended to.
You might say something like, "What I'm hearing you say is...
Is that right?"
Perhaps the most important part of healing interpersonal conflict is coming to a mutual, explicit consensus that you’re all going to make an effort to move forward.
This agreement shifts the emphasis of old wounds to the future: you’re all acknowledging the hurtful past while also recognizing that this past cannot be changed.
The only things you can control are your actions and words going forward, so say something at the conclusion like, "Now that we've talked about this, let's agree to let this issue go and concentrate on improving our future behavior and relationship."It can help to write out a list or “contract” of behaviors and words you both agree to avoid or follow in the future.
Things like “no passive aggressive texts,” “everyone must extend invitations to all family events—no petty exclusions!” and “no venting to mutual friends or family members” can help to remind everyone not to slip back into old habits and aggressions.
Remember, too, that no one is perfect, and it can be hard to change ingrained behaviors.
Forgive people when they slip up. , Moving forward, strive to speak or write to one another more frequently.
This small effort will keep lines of communication open and allow you to remind one another how much you care.
It will also boost your psychological well-being and amplify your sense of satisfaction from unrelated aspects of life such as your career and friendships.This communication can be a brief text every few days saying, “Hi, how are you?” or “Thinking of you!” You could also tag each other in social media pictures or memes, such as a #TBT photo on Instagram, or set up a ten-minute weekly phone call.
It's important to emphasize taking an interest in the other person and asking about their life, not just sharing your own information, to show that you truly care about them. -
Step 3: Express yourself with love.
-
Step 4: Listen to each other.
-
Step 5: Agree to move on.
-
Step 6: Stay in touch.
Detailed Guide
Confronting past grievances in a face-to-face meeting can help bridge old rifts and improve communication.
If you have ongoing conflict and you’re a tight-knit family, you might even want to arrange a standing weekly or biweekly family meeting where everyone gets together to talk.
This will help to keep everyone abreast of current issues and give everyone the opportunity to express themselves.Many families are dispersed across wide-ranging geographical boundaries, so getting together in person can be a somewhat rare occurrence.
It may be necessary to talk over the phone or video chat.
Even if the next such occurrence is a few months away, you can use the intervening time to organize your thoughts and plan your peaceful confrontation.
If the only time your family gets together is the holidays, try not to use this as a time to work out your problems.
People put a lot of expectations of magic of the holidays, and they can become more emotional and irrational when they feel that their holidays are ruined and become resentful of whomever they feel is responsible.
Also, it can make people start to dread the holidays, as they come to associate them with stress and fighting.
Reserve the holidays for savoring family time and find another time to talk about serious issues.
Since the conflicts you’re addressing are deeply personal, discussions can get heated quickly.
Excessive emotion can derail the conversation and make it almost impossible to reach a productive resolution, so you should try to keep things calm and controlled.
Do this by establishing a general code of conduct which forbids certain destructive behaviors, such as interrupting, bringing up unrelated quarrels, and name-calling.It can be helpful to enlist the input of the other party in formulating these rules so they don't feel like you are just parenting or lecturing them.
Regulating the discussion can be easier if you have a disinterested party like a family friend or level-headed relative to mediate your discussion.If you have a big family but your lingering resentment involves just one or two other family members, you’ll probably want to carve out a special appointment or time when just the aggrieved parties (and potentially a mediator) can meet and talk.
This will avoid unnecessary interference from well-meaning relatives. , You might assume that everyone in the family knows how much you love them, but this isn’t necessarily true.
In fact, people often feel neglected when love isn’t expressly articulated, so you should make sure to say it often, especially during an argument which addresses old wounds.So, when explaining your side of the story, make sure to do so with explicit declarations of love and affection.
A good way to do this is bringing up positive memories and good times you’ve shared throughout the discussion.
You’ll be amazed how quickly these feel-good throwbacks will get everyone smiling and feeling closer.
For example, preface a statement about how you've been hurt with, "I love you, and the reason I'm bringing this up is because our relationship is so valuable to me."
You won’t make any progress in your confrontation if you use the time when others are speaking to plan upcoming responses.
Rather, you should be listening to others’ feelings and words with an open and empathetic mind.
Practice active listening by asking questions when you need clarification and repeating key points back to the person to ensure you understand.
This way you show you’re attentive and genuinely concerned with understanding them.You can also give small feedback gestures like nodding, leaning in, and light touches on the arm in order to make your interlocutor feel attended to.
You might say something like, "What I'm hearing you say is...
Is that right?"
Perhaps the most important part of healing interpersonal conflict is coming to a mutual, explicit consensus that you’re all going to make an effort to move forward.
This agreement shifts the emphasis of old wounds to the future: you’re all acknowledging the hurtful past while also recognizing that this past cannot be changed.
The only things you can control are your actions and words going forward, so say something at the conclusion like, "Now that we've talked about this, let's agree to let this issue go and concentrate on improving our future behavior and relationship."It can help to write out a list or “contract” of behaviors and words you both agree to avoid or follow in the future.
Things like “no passive aggressive texts,” “everyone must extend invitations to all family events—no petty exclusions!” and “no venting to mutual friends or family members” can help to remind everyone not to slip back into old habits and aggressions.
Remember, too, that no one is perfect, and it can be hard to change ingrained behaviors.
Forgive people when they slip up. , Moving forward, strive to speak or write to one another more frequently.
This small effort will keep lines of communication open and allow you to remind one another how much you care.
It will also boost your psychological well-being and amplify your sense of satisfaction from unrelated aspects of life such as your career and friendships.This communication can be a brief text every few days saying, “Hi, how are you?” or “Thinking of you!” You could also tag each other in social media pictures or memes, such as a #TBT photo on Instagram, or set up a ten-minute weekly phone call.
It's important to emphasize taking an interest in the other person and asking about their life, not just sharing your own information, to show that you truly care about them.
About the Author
Karen Jimenez
Creates helpful guides on creative arts to inspire and educate readers.
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