How to Punish a Child
Be consistent., Use the same rules for punishing your child every time they misbehave., Acknowledge your child's poor behavior whenever it happens (and punish them if necessary)., Assign a reasonable punishment from the get-go, then stick to it...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be consistent.
This may perhaps be the single most important thing to remember when disciplining a child.
Your child can't learn the rules if the rules are always changing.
Consistency is crucial both for getting your child to behave and for getting your child to learn which sorts of behaviors are acceptable and which aren't.
Punishing a child inconsistently or allowing the child to weasel out of punishments teaches them that it's sometimes (or always) OK to behave badly.
Below are just a few tips to keep in mind in terms of punishing your child consistently: -
Step 2: Use the same rules for punishing your child every time they misbehave.
Don't arbitrarily change your rules or change the punishments for certain behaviors without a clear reason for doing so. , Don't ignore bad behavior when it's inconvenient to deal with. , Don't pick one punishment and then allow your child to get out of it or switch to an easier one.
Don't let a child get out of their punishment with tears or puppy-dog eyes. , Your child will have a hard time avoiding bad behavior if they don't understand what bad behavior actually is.
You should give your child a basic idea of what's wrong and what's right from as young of age as they are able to understand this distinction.
The way to do this is by establishing clear boundaries, that is, making it clear to the child why and how a certain bad behavior is wrong, then punishing the child when the behavior is repeated (and, of course, by being consistent about these boundaries.) Obviously, your child/children's ability to understand the reasoning behind your boundaries will change greatly as they grow up.
For instance, a toddler who's just learning how to speak won't understand not to draw on the walls with a marker if you lecture it about how harming other people's property is disrespectful.
Instead, you'll have to suffice with a firm "no" and, if necessary, by taking their marker away. , Different types of bad behavior demand different punishments.
Small acts of disrespect or first-time infractions may deserve nothing more than a clear warning, while deliberate disrespect or violent behavior may require a serious response.
Try to be reasonable about the punishments you assign, keeping in mind that children aren't perfect and learn by making mistakes but also that it's important to make sure they understand that their misbehavior is wrong and won't be tolerated.
As an obvious example, grounding a child for a month is a little harsh if all they did was forget to bring home a paper from school for you to sign.
A better punishment would be just to keep them from getting their allowance until they remember it.
You'll also want to make your punishments age-appropriate; grounding a toddler won't do you much good.
For a good guide to what sorts of punishments are appropriate for different age ranges, see Parents.com's punishment guide for children ages 1-10., Certain bad behaviors from your children may really get under your skin, but getting furiously angry with your child won't do you much good in the long run.
Parents who can't control their anger will have a hard time making clear-headed, logical decisions about how to punish their child and may come to rely on emotional outbursts (or worse) as a way of getting their point across.
In addition, getting in the habit of making your point with anger can set a bad precedent; if you get angry and yell at your child so often that it becomes a common occurrence, your anger may eventually lose its meaning, requiring you to get even angrier for your child to take notice.
Thus, it's a wise idea to work on keeping your anger in check when your child is misbehaving.
For example, if your child gets frustrated when playing catch and starts disrespecting you, don't lash out, instead, calmly tell them, "You know not to talk to me like that.
We're done playing catch.
You can get started on your homework." Keep your cool if they reacts to this with anger; you don't want to teach your child that they can easily drive you nuts.
For more on this topic, see our How to Control Anger article or one of the many calm parenting guides on the web. , An old-fashioned piece of parenting advice that's still relevant today is to make sure to agree to form a united front with your partner when it comes to disciplining your child.
This means that both parents must agree to the family's rules for discipline and follow them equally.
Failure to follow this rule can lead to trouble; a family with one parent who's firm about punishments and another who's lax may encourage the child to run to the "easy" parent as soon as he's done something wrong.
As a very general rule, the importance of a united front decreases as a child gets older.
By their teenage years, most children will understand that parents can disagree about certain things without either of them being wrong. , Always, always, always remember that your children learn from watching you.
The things you tell your children to do aren't nearly as important as the things you show your children to do.
Keep an eye on your own behavior when your kids are around.
Make an effort to be a polite, happy, caring, hard-working, and productive person and your kids will notice.
What you don't do is also very important.
Don't do anything in front of your children you wouldn't want them to do in front of you.
This includes throwing tantrums, acting immaturely, or giving into bad habits.
For example, if you stress the importance of good manners to your children but spend every Wednesday night cursing and yelling at your elderly mother on the phone, you're sending the message that it's actually OK to have bad manners when someone's annoying to you. , Punishment is only half of the battle.
In addition to punishing bad behaviors, you'll also want to go out of your way to reward good behaviors like hard work, kindness, and patience.
When your child is doing their job of being a kind, hard-working young person, encourage them to keep it up by showing them warmth and attention.
Once they are used to receiving this sort of treatment in return for good behavior, withdrawing your affection when they misbehave can be a punishment on its own.
Scientific research has shown that the power of positive reinforcement is not to be underestimated.
In one study, positive parenting techniques corresponded with lower levels of antisocial behavior and substance abuse as the child aged. -
Step 3: Acknowledge your child's poor behavior whenever it happens (and punish them if necessary).
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Step 4: Assign a reasonable punishment from the get-go
-
Step 5: then stick to it.
-
Step 6: Set very clear boundaries.
-
Step 7: Fit the punishment to the crime.
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Step 8: Be calm
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Step 9: but firm.
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Step 10: Present a united front with your partner.
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Step 11: Be a positive role model.
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Step 12: Don't forget to reward good behaviors.
Detailed Guide
This may perhaps be the single most important thing to remember when disciplining a child.
Your child can't learn the rules if the rules are always changing.
Consistency is crucial both for getting your child to behave and for getting your child to learn which sorts of behaviors are acceptable and which aren't.
Punishing a child inconsistently or allowing the child to weasel out of punishments teaches them that it's sometimes (or always) OK to behave badly.
Below are just a few tips to keep in mind in terms of punishing your child consistently:
Don't arbitrarily change your rules or change the punishments for certain behaviors without a clear reason for doing so. , Don't ignore bad behavior when it's inconvenient to deal with. , Don't pick one punishment and then allow your child to get out of it or switch to an easier one.
Don't let a child get out of their punishment with tears or puppy-dog eyes. , Your child will have a hard time avoiding bad behavior if they don't understand what bad behavior actually is.
You should give your child a basic idea of what's wrong and what's right from as young of age as they are able to understand this distinction.
The way to do this is by establishing clear boundaries, that is, making it clear to the child why and how a certain bad behavior is wrong, then punishing the child when the behavior is repeated (and, of course, by being consistent about these boundaries.) Obviously, your child/children's ability to understand the reasoning behind your boundaries will change greatly as they grow up.
For instance, a toddler who's just learning how to speak won't understand not to draw on the walls with a marker if you lecture it about how harming other people's property is disrespectful.
Instead, you'll have to suffice with a firm "no" and, if necessary, by taking their marker away. , Different types of bad behavior demand different punishments.
Small acts of disrespect or first-time infractions may deserve nothing more than a clear warning, while deliberate disrespect or violent behavior may require a serious response.
Try to be reasonable about the punishments you assign, keeping in mind that children aren't perfect and learn by making mistakes but also that it's important to make sure they understand that their misbehavior is wrong and won't be tolerated.
As an obvious example, grounding a child for a month is a little harsh if all they did was forget to bring home a paper from school for you to sign.
A better punishment would be just to keep them from getting their allowance until they remember it.
You'll also want to make your punishments age-appropriate; grounding a toddler won't do you much good.
For a good guide to what sorts of punishments are appropriate for different age ranges, see Parents.com's punishment guide for children ages 1-10., Certain bad behaviors from your children may really get under your skin, but getting furiously angry with your child won't do you much good in the long run.
Parents who can't control their anger will have a hard time making clear-headed, logical decisions about how to punish their child and may come to rely on emotional outbursts (or worse) as a way of getting their point across.
In addition, getting in the habit of making your point with anger can set a bad precedent; if you get angry and yell at your child so often that it becomes a common occurrence, your anger may eventually lose its meaning, requiring you to get even angrier for your child to take notice.
Thus, it's a wise idea to work on keeping your anger in check when your child is misbehaving.
For example, if your child gets frustrated when playing catch and starts disrespecting you, don't lash out, instead, calmly tell them, "You know not to talk to me like that.
We're done playing catch.
You can get started on your homework." Keep your cool if they reacts to this with anger; you don't want to teach your child that they can easily drive you nuts.
For more on this topic, see our How to Control Anger article or one of the many calm parenting guides on the web. , An old-fashioned piece of parenting advice that's still relevant today is to make sure to agree to form a united front with your partner when it comes to disciplining your child.
This means that both parents must agree to the family's rules for discipline and follow them equally.
Failure to follow this rule can lead to trouble; a family with one parent who's firm about punishments and another who's lax may encourage the child to run to the "easy" parent as soon as he's done something wrong.
As a very general rule, the importance of a united front decreases as a child gets older.
By their teenage years, most children will understand that parents can disagree about certain things without either of them being wrong. , Always, always, always remember that your children learn from watching you.
The things you tell your children to do aren't nearly as important as the things you show your children to do.
Keep an eye on your own behavior when your kids are around.
Make an effort to be a polite, happy, caring, hard-working, and productive person and your kids will notice.
What you don't do is also very important.
Don't do anything in front of your children you wouldn't want them to do in front of you.
This includes throwing tantrums, acting immaturely, or giving into bad habits.
For example, if you stress the importance of good manners to your children but spend every Wednesday night cursing and yelling at your elderly mother on the phone, you're sending the message that it's actually OK to have bad manners when someone's annoying to you. , Punishment is only half of the battle.
In addition to punishing bad behaviors, you'll also want to go out of your way to reward good behaviors like hard work, kindness, and patience.
When your child is doing their job of being a kind, hard-working young person, encourage them to keep it up by showing them warmth and attention.
Once they are used to receiving this sort of treatment in return for good behavior, withdrawing your affection when they misbehave can be a punishment on its own.
Scientific research has shown that the power of positive reinforcement is not to be underestimated.
In one study, positive parenting techniques corresponded with lower levels of antisocial behavior and substance abuse as the child aged.
About the Author
Sarah Cole
Committed to making pet care accessible and understandable for everyone.
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