How to Reconcile With a Rehabilitated Abusive Parent
Meet with your parent(s)., Go with realistic expectations., Remember that you cannot change anything about your parent - you can only be responsible for your own attitudes and behaviors., Forgive them., Ask for forgiveness if appropriate., Continue...
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Meet with your parent(s).
Let's say one parent treated you badly, while the other passively allowed the abuse.
You have spent years being angry and hurt when you get a call asking for reconciliation.
You must now critically assess whether or not your parent has reformed enough to suit you.
Arrange to meet with them, preferably in a neutral location such as a park or a restaurant. -
Step 2: Go with realistic expectations.
It's probably unrealistic to assume your parent will want to grovel on his or her belly and beg your forgiveness, but talking is the first step.
If your parent does grovel, it's harder to be objective, but you must. , If you feel the meeting reveals dis-ingenuousness on the part of one or both parents, say so and leave.
If you have any doubt about the sincerity of what is said, it is on your shoulders to gather your dignity (now that you've earned some by being your own person) and tell your parents that you will be glad to try again at whatever point they are serious about reforming. , If you have listened to your parent(s) and come to the conclusion that enough rehabilitation has taken place that you are now willing to resume a relationship with them, then allow yourself to forgive.
Yes, your parent may have abused you.
However, that is no excuse not to forgive them and accept that whilst they may have hurt you, you shouldn't hurt them.
Remember that this is about restoring your family relationship and requiring your parents to treat you with the respect you deserve as an adult.
Demonstrating maturity by forgiving your parent's past behavior is a big step in that direction, as well as in freeing yourself from the shackles of past pain. , If you were partly to blame, ask for forgiveness.
But
- don't apologize if you did nothing you are sorry for.
Accept any apology you are sincerely offered, but don't feel a need to reciprocate with an apology of your own unless it is actually warranted.
This article is simply encouraging you to purge yourself of all negative aspects of the relationship's past. , Any attempts to pressure you should be met with your firm resistance.
Your folks may want to take an attitude of "okay, it's all in the past
- let's let bygones be bygones," which basically requires you to pretend that nothing ever happened.
Or they may push or take exception to any boundaries you put in place.
Don't allow it.
You were the injured party, and rehabilitation does not erase the past, it only repairs it to some degree.
Forgiveness does not require you to forget all that happens, nor should it be thought of as passive acquittal.
If your parents want to come spend a week with you, suggest a nearby hotel, and let them know that you may not be available every day of their visit.
If they want you to come and stay, obviously, do not stay at their house; that would reinforce old, negative feelings.
Keep a little distance, at least for awhile, until you are completely comfortable, in your own time. , Do not accept any recidivism or falling back into old patterns.
If it starts to happen, remind your parent that you will no longer tolerate being spoken to or treated in that manner, and they must stop.
If the behavior continues, walk away.
If it happens at a second meeting, warn your parents that falling back into your old relationship will cause you to leave permanently.
If after you have warned your folks in this way, it still happens, you may have to consider the possibility that any reconciliation will have to be from a distance. , Assuming your parent was sincere, and rehabilitation worked and lasts, you can breathe free air and rejoice in your repaired relationship.
Don't revisit the past if arguments occur
- let the past remain buried.
Bringing up old hurts at the first disagreement or conflict will undermine the progress you have made.
You will need to establish many years' worth of memories in your new roles as adult and parents, rather than falling back into the role of victim and abusers before these memories and feelings outweigh the old.
Try hard to avoid situations that may provoke problems
- in other words, don't push when you know you're pushing a potential button.
Keep things cool. -
Step 3: Remember that you cannot change anything about your parent - you can only be responsible for your own attitudes and behaviors.
-
Step 4: Forgive them.
-
Step 5: Ask for forgiveness if appropriate.
-
Step 6: Continue at the pace you are comfortable with.
-
Step 7: Insist upon consistency from this point on.
-
Step 8: Live free.
Detailed Guide
Let's say one parent treated you badly, while the other passively allowed the abuse.
You have spent years being angry and hurt when you get a call asking for reconciliation.
You must now critically assess whether or not your parent has reformed enough to suit you.
Arrange to meet with them, preferably in a neutral location such as a park or a restaurant.
It's probably unrealistic to assume your parent will want to grovel on his or her belly and beg your forgiveness, but talking is the first step.
If your parent does grovel, it's harder to be objective, but you must. , If you feel the meeting reveals dis-ingenuousness on the part of one or both parents, say so and leave.
If you have any doubt about the sincerity of what is said, it is on your shoulders to gather your dignity (now that you've earned some by being your own person) and tell your parents that you will be glad to try again at whatever point they are serious about reforming. , If you have listened to your parent(s) and come to the conclusion that enough rehabilitation has taken place that you are now willing to resume a relationship with them, then allow yourself to forgive.
Yes, your parent may have abused you.
However, that is no excuse not to forgive them and accept that whilst they may have hurt you, you shouldn't hurt them.
Remember that this is about restoring your family relationship and requiring your parents to treat you with the respect you deserve as an adult.
Demonstrating maturity by forgiving your parent's past behavior is a big step in that direction, as well as in freeing yourself from the shackles of past pain. , If you were partly to blame, ask for forgiveness.
But
- don't apologize if you did nothing you are sorry for.
Accept any apology you are sincerely offered, but don't feel a need to reciprocate with an apology of your own unless it is actually warranted.
This article is simply encouraging you to purge yourself of all negative aspects of the relationship's past. , Any attempts to pressure you should be met with your firm resistance.
Your folks may want to take an attitude of "okay, it's all in the past
- let's let bygones be bygones," which basically requires you to pretend that nothing ever happened.
Or they may push or take exception to any boundaries you put in place.
Don't allow it.
You were the injured party, and rehabilitation does not erase the past, it only repairs it to some degree.
Forgiveness does not require you to forget all that happens, nor should it be thought of as passive acquittal.
If your parents want to come spend a week with you, suggest a nearby hotel, and let them know that you may not be available every day of their visit.
If they want you to come and stay, obviously, do not stay at their house; that would reinforce old, negative feelings.
Keep a little distance, at least for awhile, until you are completely comfortable, in your own time. , Do not accept any recidivism or falling back into old patterns.
If it starts to happen, remind your parent that you will no longer tolerate being spoken to or treated in that manner, and they must stop.
If the behavior continues, walk away.
If it happens at a second meeting, warn your parents that falling back into your old relationship will cause you to leave permanently.
If after you have warned your folks in this way, it still happens, you may have to consider the possibility that any reconciliation will have to be from a distance. , Assuming your parent was sincere, and rehabilitation worked and lasts, you can breathe free air and rejoice in your repaired relationship.
Don't revisit the past if arguments occur
- let the past remain buried.
Bringing up old hurts at the first disagreement or conflict will undermine the progress you have made.
You will need to establish many years' worth of memories in your new roles as adult and parents, rather than falling back into the role of victim and abusers before these memories and feelings outweigh the old.
Try hard to avoid situations that may provoke problems
- in other words, don't push when you know you're pushing a potential button.
Keep things cool.
About the Author
Marilyn Long
Marilyn Long is an experienced writer with over 23 years of expertise in lifestyle and practical guides. Passionate about sharing practical knowledge, Marilyn creates easy-to-follow guides that help readers achieve their goals.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: