How to Reply when Your Kid Talks Back
Choose your battles., Stay in control of yourself., Ask probing questions., Stay firm with rules and consequences., Don’t justify your rules and decisions., Praise politeness., Don’t confuse back-talk with verbal abuse.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Choose your battles.
Like it or not, children are wired to challenge, question, and second-guess you.
They don’t yet have an adult’s impulse control or perception of consequences, and it is natural for them to test boundaries.
So, without being a pushover, it’s best for both of you if you more tightly define your notion of unacceptable back-talk.You might, for instance, let a sour smirk and some muttering under the breath go without mention.
However, an “I won’t do it!” or “I wish I had Judy’s parents!” should be addressed. -
Step 2: Stay in control of yourself.
You might already encourage your tantrum-throwing toddler to “take a deep breath and count to ten,” and this is good advice for you as well.
If you feel your blood starting to boil after after a shouted “No! You clean it up!”, wait to respond until you can do so calmly and rationally.Children talk back to test boundaries and to test you.
They also learn by watching you, so make sure they see how to properly respond to provocation.
Instead of “Don’t talk to me like that!”, try “That was hurtful and not a nice way to speak to me.” The more rationally you can speak to your child, the better the example you will be setting for them. , Both teens and younger kids often lash out at parents as undeserved targets for back-talk.
You can help both of you understand the cause of the back-talk by asking questions that encourage self-reflection: “That was hurtful to say.
What made you choose to speak to me in that way?”You can also ask for clarification to help children develop their communication skills: “I’m not sure I understood what you meant by calling me a super-meany.” "Can you explain it to me in another way?"; or “I know you want to be treated more like an adult — can you rephrase that in a more mature manner?”, While you should empathize with the feelings of powerlessness and lack of control that kids deal with, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address the back-talk that often emerges from these feelings.
Clearly define your expectations and rules for your child, as well as the consequences of ignoring them.If you’ve clearly established that an outright refusal to complete a requested task or a nasty personal remark equals no social media for three days, hold fast.
You’re doing your child a disservice if they come to believe that talking back or slacking off pays off. , While shouting back “Just do as I say!” is not the healthiest way to deal with back-talk, it is also not your responsibility as a parent to justify every policy you have and choice you make to your child.
Make your rules thoughtfully and responsibly, express them clearly, and hold to them without wavering and without negotiation.So, respond to that endless “But why?!” with a superior version of “Because I said so,” such as “Those are the rules here and they need to be followed.” Sometimes it is best to simply walk away.
Children will try to test your patience with snarky remarks, but do not let it get to you. , It is common for parents to correct bad behavior, but to ignore good behavior.
While you’re working hard to remain calm and turn episodes of talking back into positive learning experiences, don’t forget to notice and praise every instance in which back-talk is avoided or politeness is offered.
Teach kids that polite acceptance is welcomed, appreciated, and rewarded.For instance, say: “Thanks so much for coming up for bathtime so quickly” or “I’m proud of you for cleaning up your stuff when I asked you.” When they apologize for talking back, thank them as well. , While you as a parent will have to determine what constitutes foul language or excessive name-calling, intentionally hurtful verbal attacks and any type of physical assault should not be brushed off as back-talk.
If your child consistently loses all self-control or tries to specifically wound you with words, you may have a more serious issue to deal with.Just as with typical back-talk, don’t angrily reply with a verbal barrage or respond physically.
Remain composed and express that the behavior is wrong and won’t be tolerated.
Consider enlisting the help of a child or family therapist for ongoing problems. -
Step 3: Ask probing questions.
-
Step 4: Stay firm with rules and consequences.
-
Step 5: Don’t justify your rules and decisions.
-
Step 6: Praise politeness.
-
Step 7: Don’t confuse back-talk with verbal abuse.
Detailed Guide
Like it or not, children are wired to challenge, question, and second-guess you.
They don’t yet have an adult’s impulse control or perception of consequences, and it is natural for them to test boundaries.
So, without being a pushover, it’s best for both of you if you more tightly define your notion of unacceptable back-talk.You might, for instance, let a sour smirk and some muttering under the breath go without mention.
However, an “I won’t do it!” or “I wish I had Judy’s parents!” should be addressed.
You might already encourage your tantrum-throwing toddler to “take a deep breath and count to ten,” and this is good advice for you as well.
If you feel your blood starting to boil after after a shouted “No! You clean it up!”, wait to respond until you can do so calmly and rationally.Children talk back to test boundaries and to test you.
They also learn by watching you, so make sure they see how to properly respond to provocation.
Instead of “Don’t talk to me like that!”, try “That was hurtful and not a nice way to speak to me.” The more rationally you can speak to your child, the better the example you will be setting for them. , Both teens and younger kids often lash out at parents as undeserved targets for back-talk.
You can help both of you understand the cause of the back-talk by asking questions that encourage self-reflection: “That was hurtful to say.
What made you choose to speak to me in that way?”You can also ask for clarification to help children develop their communication skills: “I’m not sure I understood what you meant by calling me a super-meany.” "Can you explain it to me in another way?"; or “I know you want to be treated more like an adult — can you rephrase that in a more mature manner?”, While you should empathize with the feelings of powerlessness and lack of control that kids deal with, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t address the back-talk that often emerges from these feelings.
Clearly define your expectations and rules for your child, as well as the consequences of ignoring them.If you’ve clearly established that an outright refusal to complete a requested task or a nasty personal remark equals no social media for three days, hold fast.
You’re doing your child a disservice if they come to believe that talking back or slacking off pays off. , While shouting back “Just do as I say!” is not the healthiest way to deal with back-talk, it is also not your responsibility as a parent to justify every policy you have and choice you make to your child.
Make your rules thoughtfully and responsibly, express them clearly, and hold to them without wavering and without negotiation.So, respond to that endless “But why?!” with a superior version of “Because I said so,” such as “Those are the rules here and they need to be followed.” Sometimes it is best to simply walk away.
Children will try to test your patience with snarky remarks, but do not let it get to you. , It is common for parents to correct bad behavior, but to ignore good behavior.
While you’re working hard to remain calm and turn episodes of talking back into positive learning experiences, don’t forget to notice and praise every instance in which back-talk is avoided or politeness is offered.
Teach kids that polite acceptance is welcomed, appreciated, and rewarded.For instance, say: “Thanks so much for coming up for bathtime so quickly” or “I’m proud of you for cleaning up your stuff when I asked you.” When they apologize for talking back, thank them as well. , While you as a parent will have to determine what constitutes foul language or excessive name-calling, intentionally hurtful verbal attacks and any type of physical assault should not be brushed off as back-talk.
If your child consistently loses all self-control or tries to specifically wound you with words, you may have a more serious issue to deal with.Just as with typical back-talk, don’t angrily reply with a verbal barrage or respond physically.
Remain composed and express that the behavior is wrong and won’t be tolerated.
Consider enlisting the help of a child or family therapist for ongoing problems.
About the Author
Terry Perez
A seasoned expert in education and learning, Terry Perez combines 10 years of experience with a passion for teaching. Terry's guides are known for their clarity and practical value.
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