How to Survive With a Narcissistic Mother
Acknowledge and grieve the loss of never having a true mother., Avoid trying to change your mother., Obtain a strong support system., Distance yourself from your mother.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Acknowledge and grieve the loss of never having a true mother.
A real mother puts her child’s physical and emotional needs above her own, however if you’ve lived or are currently living with a narcissistic mother, her needs must be met first.
Don’t try to figure out why.
In some cases your mother was the victim of a narcissistic mother herself or another kind of abuse.
In other cases perhaps your mother never really “grew up” and hasn’t realized that the world is a bigger place than just her.
Either way, it’s her problem not yours.
Try not to ponder “what if?” You were dealt this kind of mother for a reason--not to punish you but instead to perhaps challenge you or inspire you to rise above.
Wistfully thinking about what could have been if you had a different mother will only make the situation more painful.
Go through the actual grieving process.
You’ve finally realized that your mother will not change and you’ve been given a mother who only thinks of one person--herself.
Give yourself time to grieve so you can move onto healing. -
Step 2: Avoid trying to change your mother.
Perhaps you believe that if you are better behaved or get that big promotion at work your mother will finally recognize you and be proud.
You’ve done nothing wrong, but unfortunately any act of greatness will be wasted on a narcissist. , Depending on your age, surround yourself with caring, loving people who truly care about you and your well-being.
If you are still living at home it may be your friends, relatives or boyfriend/girlfriend.
Adults can turn to their spouse or friends as well.
If you are an adult and have children, don’t use their love as a crutch.
As much as you may want to turn to your child when your mother is upsetting you ( they can still do that well into adulthood), stop yourself and redirect your emotions.
Children will not only misunderstand what you are trying to tell them, they may become concerned that the same thing could happen to them.
If you have trouble securing support, consult with a trained therapist who can suggest an actual support group for children of narcissistic mothers. , As difficult as that may sound getting away from someone like this may be the only way you can move toward healing.
If you still live at home, avoid getting close.
Often narcissistic people will sense when others are pulling away and act as though they are taking interest only to go back to their old ways once they have captivated their “audience” (you).
Try to maintain minimal contact with your mother at home--consider her behavior as more of an amusement, which is nothing serious and has no weight on your life.
Move away from your mother.
Limited contact will most likely work best for you, especially if you live in different towns or states.
If you find that talking on the phone with your mother gets you upset, only take phone calls when you are mentally prepared to deal with her--don’t allow her to take you off guard, upsetting you and ruining your day.
Maintain a level of contact that makes you comfortable.
If completely abandoning the relationship, never looking back is the only way you can move on, do whatever you can to heal.
However, some children still feel guilty completely letting go and may feel obligated to provide financial assistance to their narcissistic mother--if that does not weigh heavily on your spirit allow yourself to provide for your mother.
Remember it's not about her, it's about healing you and moving on. -
Step 3: Obtain a strong support system.
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Step 4: Distance yourself from your mother.
Detailed Guide
A real mother puts her child’s physical and emotional needs above her own, however if you’ve lived or are currently living with a narcissistic mother, her needs must be met first.
Don’t try to figure out why.
In some cases your mother was the victim of a narcissistic mother herself or another kind of abuse.
In other cases perhaps your mother never really “grew up” and hasn’t realized that the world is a bigger place than just her.
Either way, it’s her problem not yours.
Try not to ponder “what if?” You were dealt this kind of mother for a reason--not to punish you but instead to perhaps challenge you or inspire you to rise above.
Wistfully thinking about what could have been if you had a different mother will only make the situation more painful.
Go through the actual grieving process.
You’ve finally realized that your mother will not change and you’ve been given a mother who only thinks of one person--herself.
Give yourself time to grieve so you can move onto healing.
Perhaps you believe that if you are better behaved or get that big promotion at work your mother will finally recognize you and be proud.
You’ve done nothing wrong, but unfortunately any act of greatness will be wasted on a narcissist. , Depending on your age, surround yourself with caring, loving people who truly care about you and your well-being.
If you are still living at home it may be your friends, relatives or boyfriend/girlfriend.
Adults can turn to their spouse or friends as well.
If you are an adult and have children, don’t use their love as a crutch.
As much as you may want to turn to your child when your mother is upsetting you ( they can still do that well into adulthood), stop yourself and redirect your emotions.
Children will not only misunderstand what you are trying to tell them, they may become concerned that the same thing could happen to them.
If you have trouble securing support, consult with a trained therapist who can suggest an actual support group for children of narcissistic mothers. , As difficult as that may sound getting away from someone like this may be the only way you can move toward healing.
If you still live at home, avoid getting close.
Often narcissistic people will sense when others are pulling away and act as though they are taking interest only to go back to their old ways once they have captivated their “audience” (you).
Try to maintain minimal contact with your mother at home--consider her behavior as more of an amusement, which is nothing serious and has no weight on your life.
Move away from your mother.
Limited contact will most likely work best for you, especially if you live in different towns or states.
If you find that talking on the phone with your mother gets you upset, only take phone calls when you are mentally prepared to deal with her--don’t allow her to take you off guard, upsetting you and ruining your day.
Maintain a level of contact that makes you comfortable.
If completely abandoning the relationship, never looking back is the only way you can move on, do whatever you can to heal.
However, some children still feel guilty completely letting go and may feel obligated to provide financial assistance to their narcissistic mother--if that does not weigh heavily on your spirit allow yourself to provide for your mother.
Remember it's not about her, it's about healing you and moving on.
About the Author
Sarah Patel
Committed to making practical skills accessible and understandable for everyone.
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