How to Watch What You Say
Work on your listening skills., Close your mouth when it opens., Put yourself in the other person’s shoes., Ask yourself if what you intend to say is true, necessary, and kind., Speak freely but not thoughtlessly with loved ones., Take ownership of...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Work on your listening skills.
On a basic level, spending more time listening leaves you less time to talk, which can be helpful if you tend to blather on.
On a deeper level, though, being an engaged, active listener will also help change the other person’s perception of the things you do say, putting you in a more positive light.
To become an active listener, try to, for example:
Make eye contact; face the other person; adapt to their body language; nod as a sign of engagement Ask probing, leading, or reflective questions Paraphrase what they’ve just said before beginning your response Allow for pauses and periods of silence -
Step 2: Close your mouth when it opens.
If you tend to speak without thinking, your mouth probably opens up and words come pouring out before you even realize it.
Practice focusing on recognizing when your mouth opens to speak, and literally close it.
Reopen it on your time, on your terms, once you’ve thought about what you want to say.A thoughtful pause is a good thing in a conversation, especially if it keeps you from putting your foot in your mouth with a foolish comment. , Sometimes the simplest advice is the hardest to follow, but this one is worth the effort.
How would you feel if someone said to you what you are about to say? Would you understand that they “were only being honest” or “ were just trying to be helpful” or “didn’t mean it in that way?”If you wouldn’t want someone to say the same thing to you, or say it in the same way, then keep your comment to yourself. , This rubric about when to speak or not speak builds in part on the old “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Unless what you are inclined to say is entirely accurate AND is important AND can be phrased politely, silence is usually the better option.For example, “Your underwear is showing because those pants are too tight for you” will always fail at least one of the three categories; “I think you may have a wardrobe issue that needs addressed” might be okay depending on the circumstances.
But it’s probably most often best to say nothing at all in this situation. , Especially when you’re speaking with your partner, close friends, or family, you probably make unconscious assumptions that they’ll “get your meaning” and forgive you for being coarse or blunt.
While the people that know and care about you probably are more willing to tolerate your verbal gaffes and spears, that doesn’t mean they should have to.Stop and think — would you say the same thing, in the same way, to a new acquaintance or to your partner on your first date? Instead of “Boy, you’re starting to get pudgy!”, stop, think, and try something like “I think we should work together on eating healthier.” , Get into the habit of starting comments by saying things like “In my opinion...” or “The way I see it...”.
As simple as it sounds, using a preface like this can act as a quick reality check — one that urges you to confirm to yourself that this is what you believe, what you want to express, and how you want to say it., Phrasing and delivery go a long way towards determining the listener’s reaction to what you say, and their overall perception of you.
Put some effort into expanding your vocabulary through study; avoiding overuse of contractions and slang terms; speaking slowly and clearly; cutting out verbal pauses such as “like” and “um”; and exuding confidence (but not overconfidence) as you speak.
Watch videos of engaging, articulate public speakers and take note of their speech patterns, body language, and so on.
Evaluate your audience and tailor your phrasing and delivery to suit it. -
Step 3: Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
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Step 4: Ask yourself if what you intend to say is true
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Step 5: necessary
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Step 6: and kind.
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Step 7: Speak freely but not thoughtlessly with loved ones.
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Step 8: Take ownership of your statements by prefacing them.
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Step 9: Make an effort to become more articulate.
Detailed Guide
On a basic level, spending more time listening leaves you less time to talk, which can be helpful if you tend to blather on.
On a deeper level, though, being an engaged, active listener will also help change the other person’s perception of the things you do say, putting you in a more positive light.
To become an active listener, try to, for example:
Make eye contact; face the other person; adapt to their body language; nod as a sign of engagement Ask probing, leading, or reflective questions Paraphrase what they’ve just said before beginning your response Allow for pauses and periods of silence
If you tend to speak without thinking, your mouth probably opens up and words come pouring out before you even realize it.
Practice focusing on recognizing when your mouth opens to speak, and literally close it.
Reopen it on your time, on your terms, once you’ve thought about what you want to say.A thoughtful pause is a good thing in a conversation, especially if it keeps you from putting your foot in your mouth with a foolish comment. , Sometimes the simplest advice is the hardest to follow, but this one is worth the effort.
How would you feel if someone said to you what you are about to say? Would you understand that they “were only being honest” or “ were just trying to be helpful” or “didn’t mean it in that way?”If you wouldn’t want someone to say the same thing to you, or say it in the same way, then keep your comment to yourself. , This rubric about when to speak or not speak builds in part on the old “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Unless what you are inclined to say is entirely accurate AND is important AND can be phrased politely, silence is usually the better option.For example, “Your underwear is showing because those pants are too tight for you” will always fail at least one of the three categories; “I think you may have a wardrobe issue that needs addressed” might be okay depending on the circumstances.
But it’s probably most often best to say nothing at all in this situation. , Especially when you’re speaking with your partner, close friends, or family, you probably make unconscious assumptions that they’ll “get your meaning” and forgive you for being coarse or blunt.
While the people that know and care about you probably are more willing to tolerate your verbal gaffes and spears, that doesn’t mean they should have to.Stop and think — would you say the same thing, in the same way, to a new acquaintance or to your partner on your first date? Instead of “Boy, you’re starting to get pudgy!”, stop, think, and try something like “I think we should work together on eating healthier.” , Get into the habit of starting comments by saying things like “In my opinion...” or “The way I see it...”.
As simple as it sounds, using a preface like this can act as a quick reality check — one that urges you to confirm to yourself that this is what you believe, what you want to express, and how you want to say it., Phrasing and delivery go a long way towards determining the listener’s reaction to what you say, and their overall perception of you.
Put some effort into expanding your vocabulary through study; avoiding overuse of contractions and slang terms; speaking slowly and clearly; cutting out verbal pauses such as “like” and “um”; and exuding confidence (but not overconfidence) as you speak.
Watch videos of engaging, articulate public speakers and take note of their speech patterns, body language, and so on.
Evaluate your audience and tailor your phrasing and delivery to suit it.
About the Author
Jason Cooper
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in creative arts and beyond.
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