How to Ask Someone out Online
Hang out with the person you like or their friends., Friend them on a social network., Find out more about your potential date's relationship status and interests., Start an online conversation., E-mail your potential date only if they've personally...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Hang out with the person you like or their friends.
Even if the internet is your chosen method of contact, you may know this person from real life.
They might be someone from your school or office, a neighbor, a friend of a friend.
Whoever they are, getting to know them in real life can give you a rough idea of whether they are your type and what they like to do.
Take advantage of your common acquaintances.
For example, if you know some of their friends, hang out with them more often when they're in their company.
Getting to know their friends will help you realize what kind of people your potential date likes having around.
If you barely know your date or any of their friends, even the most casual approach would do.
For example, you can exchange a couple of jokes with your neighbor as you pass by their house to get a sense of what they're like. -
Step 2: Friend them on a social network.
Once you've established even a very shallow level of connection, you can take a step forward and request their friendship on a social network you both use, like Facebook.
Because you've already made acquaintance with this person in real life, you won't look like a weirdo invading their private life.
Social-network users tend to accept any request as long as they have a loose connection with the person.
You can use Skype or other instant messaging services instead.
However, remember that social networks are by far the best way to go, because they are designed to help people socialize.
Instead, messaging applications are meant to help people communicate: this will give away your long-term goal, which is approaching this person with a specific request.
You can go ahead and friend someone on a messaging application if you feel confident enough.
As you add them to your contact list, they'll probably understand what your intentions are, so make sure you're okay with it.
If you've met your potential date on a dating website, it's better to ask their permission before sending a friend request.
For example, you can message them on the dating website and ask "Are you on Facebook"? If they say they are, take it as a "go ahead, you can friend me". , Once your friendship request has been accepted, you have access to a huge amount of useful information.
Is this person already in a relationship? What do they enjoy doing in their spare time? What music do they listen to? What is their family like? Do you have common friends you didn't know of? This information will help you come up with a strategy to approach your potential date.
Begin thinking of stuff you can do together.
Or, you can start a conversation by mentioning a common friend.
Picture yourself as a detective piecing up clues that can help you find a solution to the problem.
Doing some background research will also help you not waste time with someone who might be too different from you.
If you see that the cute guy in your French class only likes football when you hate sports and want to spend the rest of your life on the couch, you should ask yourself whether it's not even worth bothering.
This is especially useful if your potential date lives in another town and you don't have a chance to hang out with them in person.
Checking the conversation and posts on their Facebook page will be like spending time with them and their friends in the virtual world. , Do it shortly after your friend request has been accepted.
If you wait too long, your potential date might think you've stalked them online.
They will expect to have a casual chat with you once you've become friends on a social network.
Don't overthink how to start this.
Just write "Hi! What's up? I'm glad I found you online!"
or "Hi! Remember we met last week at Dave's party?" If you think they can't place you, remind them of how they know you (for example, which office you work in). , Unlike social networks, which work as a public space where friends and strangers exchange ideas, an e-mail address is considered private information, like a house address.
You wouldn't want anyone knocking at your door if you haven't told them where you live, so don't write an e-mail unless you've asked this person their address beforehand.You shouldn't use the e-mail even if you have a way to retrieve this person's address (for example, through a common friend or website).
Getting their address though a third source will also be perceived as an invasion of their privacy and highly decrease your chance to succeed. , As you do your best to build an exchange based on what you have in common, no matter how little, make sure you come off as a positive person who is just looking for a casual chat.
Don't overwhelm your potential date with emoticons or excessive internet slang (like LOL): this can be read as a sign of insecurity.
There's no need to underline the fact you've said something funny with a hundred laughing faces.
If the conversation ends up being about something bleak, like the tons of washing you have to do, cheer it up with some humor and jokes.
For example, "You won't believe how much washing I have to do over the weekend.
I wish my butler wasn't on leave." Don't overburden the person with too much information.
You don't want to do all the talking at this stage. , Whatever you say, make sure you're not performing someone else's role.
You want your potential date to get a sense of who you are and understand whether they'd like to know you better.
If you're not a funny person, don't try to be; if you're the life of the party, acting serious may not be in your nature.
Keep in mind that sounding "at your best" shouldn't turn into "sounding phony".
Convey the sides of your personality you want the other person to know about without overdoing it, and don't fake any you don't have.
For example, if you're funny, make a light joke.
If you're insightful, make a deep but quick remark about something.
Overacting can happen especially for online dating.
This can make dating feel like a job interview where you have to advertise your skills.
However, remember that online dating is about matching people: the more you're yourself, the more you'll be matched with someone who is like you and you have a better chance with. , It's easy to idealize someone when they're little more than a picture and profile page.
However, this person exists in real life, and they're probably way more complex than what the screen gives away.
As the conversation goes on, try to think of what this person is really like, rather than the image they're giving of themselves.
Compare the idea you had of this person before the conversation (for example, "she's so cool") with what you can sense from your virtual chat (for example, "she's trying very hard to look cool, so she probably isn't"
or "she's actually as cool as I expected").Pay extra attention to this aspect when talking to someone you met through an online dating website.
They might pretend to be someone they're not just to make an impression; it happens more than you think. , There's no point in turning the casual chat into a two-hour online date.
Your goal is to ask your potential date out to do most of the talking and get to know them in person.
This conversation is only an introduction to that special request.
If you make yourself too available in the virtual world, the other person might lose an interest in meeting you in real life. , Once you've warmed up and feel it's not an awkward thing to do, drop a casual request.
If you feel it's still too early to ask for a date but you've spent longer than expected on the chat, or had several online conversations, a phone number is the safe next step to take to get closer to this person.For example, you can use an excuse.
Say "I have to go back to work now, but I really enjoyed talking to you.
Do you have a phone number so that we can continue our chat later?"
Use the research you've done before the conversation to suggest an activity you might enjoy doing together.
For example, if you both like foreign films, find one playing next to you and invite them.
Present your suggestion as a way to continue the very interesting chat you're having elsewhere.For example, you can say "I really like talking to you.
Why don't we continue our chat at the Mexican restaurant near school next weekend?" Although this is the hardest part, think of your request as a step that will relieve the tension in the conversation.
It will give both the chance to do something together where you can actually get to know each other for what you really are., If your request was not within the conversation, but a message on Skype or WhatsApp following a few previous conversations, don't expect this person to reply straight away.
They may want to take their time to think this through, which doesn't mean they don't like you.
Making pressure to get a reply won't work to your advantage.
Unlike real-life conversations, online chats and messages give a person more time to plan a response or strategy.
This is why you probably chose them for your approach, and you should give this person the same level of liberty you've taken for yourself.
If it's taking too long for someone to reply (for example, a few days), or they're putting you off on a regular basis, they're probably not interested.
Accept this without becoming insistent or expecting them to say "no" loud and clear., If the answer is "no"
whatever form it takes, life goes on as before.
No need to despair or get pushy.
There are many other people you'll meet in the future who will take a real interest in you!Most importantly, remember to not take it personally or think you should have sounded different.
You are supposed to be yourself online, not play a role.
And if this person wasn't into you, it wouldn't have lasted anyway. -
Step 3: Find out more about your potential date's relationship status and interests.
-
Step 4: Start an online conversation.
-
Step 5: E-mail your potential date only if they've personally given you their address.
-
Step 6: Keep the conversation light and upbeat.
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Step 7: Act natural.
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Step 8: Remember that people behave differently online than they do in person.
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Step 9: Keep online exchanges brief.
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Step 10: Ask for their phone number.
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Step 11: Ask them out on a date.
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Step 12: Give them time to respond.
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Step 13: Be prepared for rejection.
Detailed Guide
Even if the internet is your chosen method of contact, you may know this person from real life.
They might be someone from your school or office, a neighbor, a friend of a friend.
Whoever they are, getting to know them in real life can give you a rough idea of whether they are your type and what they like to do.
Take advantage of your common acquaintances.
For example, if you know some of their friends, hang out with them more often when they're in their company.
Getting to know their friends will help you realize what kind of people your potential date likes having around.
If you barely know your date or any of their friends, even the most casual approach would do.
For example, you can exchange a couple of jokes with your neighbor as you pass by their house to get a sense of what they're like.
Once you've established even a very shallow level of connection, you can take a step forward and request their friendship on a social network you both use, like Facebook.
Because you've already made acquaintance with this person in real life, you won't look like a weirdo invading their private life.
Social-network users tend to accept any request as long as they have a loose connection with the person.
You can use Skype or other instant messaging services instead.
However, remember that social networks are by far the best way to go, because they are designed to help people socialize.
Instead, messaging applications are meant to help people communicate: this will give away your long-term goal, which is approaching this person with a specific request.
You can go ahead and friend someone on a messaging application if you feel confident enough.
As you add them to your contact list, they'll probably understand what your intentions are, so make sure you're okay with it.
If you've met your potential date on a dating website, it's better to ask their permission before sending a friend request.
For example, you can message them on the dating website and ask "Are you on Facebook"? If they say they are, take it as a "go ahead, you can friend me". , Once your friendship request has been accepted, you have access to a huge amount of useful information.
Is this person already in a relationship? What do they enjoy doing in their spare time? What music do they listen to? What is their family like? Do you have common friends you didn't know of? This information will help you come up with a strategy to approach your potential date.
Begin thinking of stuff you can do together.
Or, you can start a conversation by mentioning a common friend.
Picture yourself as a detective piecing up clues that can help you find a solution to the problem.
Doing some background research will also help you not waste time with someone who might be too different from you.
If you see that the cute guy in your French class only likes football when you hate sports and want to spend the rest of your life on the couch, you should ask yourself whether it's not even worth bothering.
This is especially useful if your potential date lives in another town and you don't have a chance to hang out with them in person.
Checking the conversation and posts on their Facebook page will be like spending time with them and their friends in the virtual world. , Do it shortly after your friend request has been accepted.
If you wait too long, your potential date might think you've stalked them online.
They will expect to have a casual chat with you once you've become friends on a social network.
Don't overthink how to start this.
Just write "Hi! What's up? I'm glad I found you online!"
or "Hi! Remember we met last week at Dave's party?" If you think they can't place you, remind them of how they know you (for example, which office you work in). , Unlike social networks, which work as a public space where friends and strangers exchange ideas, an e-mail address is considered private information, like a house address.
You wouldn't want anyone knocking at your door if you haven't told them where you live, so don't write an e-mail unless you've asked this person their address beforehand.You shouldn't use the e-mail even if you have a way to retrieve this person's address (for example, through a common friend or website).
Getting their address though a third source will also be perceived as an invasion of their privacy and highly decrease your chance to succeed. , As you do your best to build an exchange based on what you have in common, no matter how little, make sure you come off as a positive person who is just looking for a casual chat.
Don't overwhelm your potential date with emoticons or excessive internet slang (like LOL): this can be read as a sign of insecurity.
There's no need to underline the fact you've said something funny with a hundred laughing faces.
If the conversation ends up being about something bleak, like the tons of washing you have to do, cheer it up with some humor and jokes.
For example, "You won't believe how much washing I have to do over the weekend.
I wish my butler wasn't on leave." Don't overburden the person with too much information.
You don't want to do all the talking at this stage. , Whatever you say, make sure you're not performing someone else's role.
You want your potential date to get a sense of who you are and understand whether they'd like to know you better.
If you're not a funny person, don't try to be; if you're the life of the party, acting serious may not be in your nature.
Keep in mind that sounding "at your best" shouldn't turn into "sounding phony".
Convey the sides of your personality you want the other person to know about without overdoing it, and don't fake any you don't have.
For example, if you're funny, make a light joke.
If you're insightful, make a deep but quick remark about something.
Overacting can happen especially for online dating.
This can make dating feel like a job interview where you have to advertise your skills.
However, remember that online dating is about matching people: the more you're yourself, the more you'll be matched with someone who is like you and you have a better chance with. , It's easy to idealize someone when they're little more than a picture and profile page.
However, this person exists in real life, and they're probably way more complex than what the screen gives away.
As the conversation goes on, try to think of what this person is really like, rather than the image they're giving of themselves.
Compare the idea you had of this person before the conversation (for example, "she's so cool") with what you can sense from your virtual chat (for example, "she's trying very hard to look cool, so she probably isn't"
or "she's actually as cool as I expected").Pay extra attention to this aspect when talking to someone you met through an online dating website.
They might pretend to be someone they're not just to make an impression; it happens more than you think. , There's no point in turning the casual chat into a two-hour online date.
Your goal is to ask your potential date out to do most of the talking and get to know them in person.
This conversation is only an introduction to that special request.
If you make yourself too available in the virtual world, the other person might lose an interest in meeting you in real life. , Once you've warmed up and feel it's not an awkward thing to do, drop a casual request.
If you feel it's still too early to ask for a date but you've spent longer than expected on the chat, or had several online conversations, a phone number is the safe next step to take to get closer to this person.For example, you can use an excuse.
Say "I have to go back to work now, but I really enjoyed talking to you.
Do you have a phone number so that we can continue our chat later?"
Use the research you've done before the conversation to suggest an activity you might enjoy doing together.
For example, if you both like foreign films, find one playing next to you and invite them.
Present your suggestion as a way to continue the very interesting chat you're having elsewhere.For example, you can say "I really like talking to you.
Why don't we continue our chat at the Mexican restaurant near school next weekend?" Although this is the hardest part, think of your request as a step that will relieve the tension in the conversation.
It will give both the chance to do something together where you can actually get to know each other for what you really are., If your request was not within the conversation, but a message on Skype or WhatsApp following a few previous conversations, don't expect this person to reply straight away.
They may want to take their time to think this through, which doesn't mean they don't like you.
Making pressure to get a reply won't work to your advantage.
Unlike real-life conversations, online chats and messages give a person more time to plan a response or strategy.
This is why you probably chose them for your approach, and you should give this person the same level of liberty you've taken for yourself.
If it's taking too long for someone to reply (for example, a few days), or they're putting you off on a regular basis, they're probably not interested.
Accept this without becoming insistent or expecting them to say "no" loud and clear., If the answer is "no"
whatever form it takes, life goes on as before.
No need to despair or get pushy.
There are many other people you'll meet in the future who will take a real interest in you!Most importantly, remember to not take it personally or think you should have sounded different.
You are supposed to be yourself online, not play a role.
And if this person wasn't into you, it wouldn't have lasted anyway.
About the Author
Terry Hernandez
A seasoned expert in education and learning, Terry Hernandez combines 4 years of experience with a passion for teaching. Terry's guides are known for their clarity and practical value.
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