How to Avoid Unwanted Come Ons
Don't be a crowd pleaser., Know how to deflect., Add humour., Say no., Be mature.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Don't be a crowd pleaser.
It seems like it's the "nice" people who become easy targets for unwanted attention in public spaces.
The reason is simple: everyone fears rejection, and nice people can sometimes be so attentive to the feelings of others that they can fail to assert themselves (for example, they laugh at jokes that they don't find funny, so that the person telling the joke won't feel bad).
Lonely people gravitate toward people who seem inviting: who make lots of eye contact with strangers, smile a lot, and have a gentle (non-sarcastic) sense of humour.
If this describes you, experiment with the opposite sort of behaviour.
Reserve your warmth for the people you feel comfortable around; you might be surprised at the results! -
Step 2: Know how to deflect.
You might not notice it happening, but before someone approaches you they will usually make their intentions evident in their body language, and look for a 'signal' from you: they will attempt to catch your attention, smile at you, or say something loudly, hoping you'll laugh.
This is their way of minimizing the risk of being rejected; they will take your reaction as "pre-approval" to an approach.
Be aware of when this is happening, and make your disinterest evident.
If someone is trying to catch your eye, ignore them entirely and focus your whole attention on your friend.
It may seem cold, but this is actually the kindest thing you can do in this situation. , A little sense of humour goes a long way.
If someone does approach you and strikes up a conversation, this is your last chance to show them you've got no intention of flirting with them, without actually telling them to go away.
Don't be cruel, but gently remind them that you've got a head on your shoulders by having a bit of a laugh.
If someone approaches you when you're with some friends, say something gross or bizarre like "oh, we're just having a few pints before our cult leader arrives" or "oh, just unwinding after a grueling week of mindless service to the Hive Mind" or "oh, just celebrating our first day out of quarantine." Even if they find you hilarious, they might be too intimidated to keep vying for your attention. , If you've done all you can to deflect attention and they start "making moves" anyway, it's important to be clear and succinct: say "I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for anything right now." Be polite and firm.
Avoid making excuses for your feelings
-- you have nothing to explain, and you don't want to provide them with the opportunity to bargain with you.
Then physically leave their presence, even if you just put a few people between you.
Don't strike up a conversation, as this can open up a grey territory where they might feel encouraged to try again. , Although it can be quite unpleasant to be approached this way, as long as this is done respectfully, be mindful of the person's feelings.
Don't be rude, and don't gossip about them afterwards.
If you see them again on a separate occasion, nod at them and say hello in a curt, professional way, and then go about your business; they'll get the message that you bear them no ill will, but your previous state of mind still stands. -
Step 3: Add humour.
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Step 4: Say no.
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Step 5: Be mature.
Detailed Guide
It seems like it's the "nice" people who become easy targets for unwanted attention in public spaces.
The reason is simple: everyone fears rejection, and nice people can sometimes be so attentive to the feelings of others that they can fail to assert themselves (for example, they laugh at jokes that they don't find funny, so that the person telling the joke won't feel bad).
Lonely people gravitate toward people who seem inviting: who make lots of eye contact with strangers, smile a lot, and have a gentle (non-sarcastic) sense of humour.
If this describes you, experiment with the opposite sort of behaviour.
Reserve your warmth for the people you feel comfortable around; you might be surprised at the results!
You might not notice it happening, but before someone approaches you they will usually make their intentions evident in their body language, and look for a 'signal' from you: they will attempt to catch your attention, smile at you, or say something loudly, hoping you'll laugh.
This is their way of minimizing the risk of being rejected; they will take your reaction as "pre-approval" to an approach.
Be aware of when this is happening, and make your disinterest evident.
If someone is trying to catch your eye, ignore them entirely and focus your whole attention on your friend.
It may seem cold, but this is actually the kindest thing you can do in this situation. , A little sense of humour goes a long way.
If someone does approach you and strikes up a conversation, this is your last chance to show them you've got no intention of flirting with them, without actually telling them to go away.
Don't be cruel, but gently remind them that you've got a head on your shoulders by having a bit of a laugh.
If someone approaches you when you're with some friends, say something gross or bizarre like "oh, we're just having a few pints before our cult leader arrives" or "oh, just unwinding after a grueling week of mindless service to the Hive Mind" or "oh, just celebrating our first day out of quarantine." Even if they find you hilarious, they might be too intimidated to keep vying for your attention. , If you've done all you can to deflect attention and they start "making moves" anyway, it's important to be clear and succinct: say "I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for anything right now." Be polite and firm.
Avoid making excuses for your feelings
-- you have nothing to explain, and you don't want to provide them with the opportunity to bargain with you.
Then physically leave their presence, even if you just put a few people between you.
Don't strike up a conversation, as this can open up a grey territory where they might feel encouraged to try again. , Although it can be quite unpleasant to be approached this way, as long as this is done respectfully, be mindful of the person's feelings.
Don't be rude, and don't gossip about them afterwards.
If you see them again on a separate occasion, nod at them and say hello in a curt, professional way, and then go about your business; they'll get the message that you bear them no ill will, but your previous state of mind still stands.
About the Author
Betty Howard
Writer and educator with a focus on practical lifestyle knowledge.
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