How to Be a Fake Metaller
Look at your friend's music collection, ask them (because you won't know yourself) which is the heaviest and then buy several T-shirts of those bands., Join Facebook and Bebo, every time your metal friend suggests a metal/rock/punk band or group...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Look at your friend's music collection
You only need the shirts, you can pretend you listen to the music.
NOTE:
Pretending is a big part of this so be prepared. -
Step 2: ask them (because you won't know yourself) which is the heaviest and then buy several T-shirts of those bands.
Then, when questioned about liking them, act very defensively, almost aggressive.
Make ridiculous comments that show your ignorance and lack of knowledge on the subject, i.e.; when someone describes a certain band as dross, reply with, "I like all kinds of music, even dross"
thinking that dross is the name of a band. , Get tattoos that have no meaning to you but will look so cool when "ordinary folk" see them, they will think you are really hard, but what do they know? , Make sure that whenever a band is playing you call out only the names of the bands you know your friends listen to because you do not know the names of songs worth listening to.
If there is a jukebox, only play Metallica "because every metaller likes them". , The truth is, they are too kind to say something and you are too stubborn or stupid to notice that they know! , Always dress "rough, scumbag like, hard as nails, ridiculous"
even when going to weddings, christenings or funerals.
Never deviate from this because people will think you are not a metaller.
Try to draw as much attention to your clothes as possible as often as possible.
Say things like "Is no one gonna say anything about my T-shirt lads?" or "Look at this.
Don't you think it's cool?". , To be a fake metaller, you must be awkward while headbanging.
You must not be able to let the music reach inside you and rattle your bones.
To be a FAKER, it cannot move you.
Only you must move your body stiffly and think you look like your metal friends who are thrashing the shit out of the dance floor.
In fact, when they are up there doing their thing, just stand around trying to look hard and drinking. , Skulls.
The Grim Reaper.
Monsters.
Bad language.
Death.
Destruction.
Etc etc.
If possible, try all of these. , Metallers ARE people so they do in fact care about things.
Some things more than others and some people care about somethings more than other people care about them.
It doesn't matter for you though because you are only PRETENDING to not care. , Rings, chains, badges and such.
The more the better.
If you don't wear these things, nobody will think you are a metaller. , Basically, lots of posters and flags depicting Death and/or monsters and so on should adorn every room in your house.
Especially the main room visitors will see.
You want them to think that you are "so cool and definitely a metaller". , It never will be either. , That you were for a while the same as everyone else.
A clone.
A sheep.
You "fitted in".
You had a skinned head and no facial hair.
You had a gold chain and tight fitting shirt, smart jeans and smart shoes.
You ate healthy food to keep your body looking nice for the ladies. -
Step 3: Join Facebook and Bebo
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Step 4: every time your metal friend suggests a metal/rock/punk band or group
-
Step 5: accept the suggestion even though you've never heard of half of them.
-
Step 6: Think that wearing the most outrageous T-shirts and getting noticed is what it is all about.
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Step 7: Make sure you have a local pub.
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Step 8: If you are in your local and your real metal friends come to visit you for a few pints
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Step 9: don't draw your usual amount of attention to yourself in case you have to prove yourself metal
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Step 10: you won't be able to and will look more of a fool to your metal friends who think you are a fool anyway.
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Step 11: Wear your clothes like a uniform.
-
Step 12: DO NOT LEARN HOW TO HEADBANG!
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Step 13: Take an interest (but don't actually start to study these things and know about their symbolism
-
Step 14: just the look is needed) in the symbols you associate with being a metaller
-
Step 15: but in reality
-
Step 16: they aren't really.
-
Step 17: Try not to care
-
Step 18: you do care but at every opportunity say that you don't.
-
Step 19: Wear lots of jewelry.
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Step 20: Decorate your house like a teenager would decorate his/her bedroom.
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Step 21: Think that being a biker is the same as being a metaller
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Step 22: but it's not!
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Step 23: Make sure to neglect to tell anyone that does think you are a metaller that you are in fact a dance head
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Step 24: mix master supreme
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Step 25: disco freak.
Detailed Guide
You only need the shirts, you can pretend you listen to the music.
NOTE:
Pretending is a big part of this so be prepared.
Then, when questioned about liking them, act very defensively, almost aggressive.
Make ridiculous comments that show your ignorance and lack of knowledge on the subject, i.e.; when someone describes a certain band as dross, reply with, "I like all kinds of music, even dross"
thinking that dross is the name of a band. , Get tattoos that have no meaning to you but will look so cool when "ordinary folk" see them, they will think you are really hard, but what do they know? , Make sure that whenever a band is playing you call out only the names of the bands you know your friends listen to because you do not know the names of songs worth listening to.
If there is a jukebox, only play Metallica "because every metaller likes them". , The truth is, they are too kind to say something and you are too stubborn or stupid to notice that they know! , Always dress "rough, scumbag like, hard as nails, ridiculous"
even when going to weddings, christenings or funerals.
Never deviate from this because people will think you are not a metaller.
Try to draw as much attention to your clothes as possible as often as possible.
Say things like "Is no one gonna say anything about my T-shirt lads?" or "Look at this.
Don't you think it's cool?". , To be a fake metaller, you must be awkward while headbanging.
You must not be able to let the music reach inside you and rattle your bones.
To be a FAKER, it cannot move you.
Only you must move your body stiffly and think you look like your metal friends who are thrashing the shit out of the dance floor.
In fact, when they are up there doing their thing, just stand around trying to look hard and drinking. , Skulls.
The Grim Reaper.
Monsters.
Bad language.
Death.
Destruction.
Etc etc.
If possible, try all of these. , Metallers ARE people so they do in fact care about things.
Some things more than others and some people care about somethings more than other people care about them.
It doesn't matter for you though because you are only PRETENDING to not care. , Rings, chains, badges and such.
The more the better.
If you don't wear these things, nobody will think you are a metaller. , Basically, lots of posters and flags depicting Death and/or monsters and so on should adorn every room in your house.
Especially the main room visitors will see.
You want them to think that you are "so cool and definitely a metaller". , It never will be either. , That you were for a while the same as everyone else.
A clone.
A sheep.
You "fitted in".
You had a skinned head and no facial hair.
You had a gold chain and tight fitting shirt, smart jeans and smart shoes.
You ate healthy food to keep your body looking nice for the ladies.
About the Author
Theresa Torres
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in organization and beyond.
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