How to Be Honest
Figure out why you lie and who you lie to., Anticipate behaviors that will make you feel guilty., Stop comparing yourself to others., Accept the consequence and decide to face them., Do things that make you feel pride., Avoid situations in which...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Figure out why you lie and who you lie to.
We've all lied at one time or another, to different people, to ourselves, and for different reasons.
But coming up with a systematic plan for becoming more honest will be difficult unless you try to define those reasons and those people for yourself.
Lies to make ourselves look better might include exaggerations, embellishments, and flat-out tall-tales we tell to others, and ourselves, to make ourselves feel better about our inadequacies.
When you're unhappy about something, it's much easier to fill it in with lies than tell the truth.
We lie to peers we think are better than us, because we want them to respect us as we respect them.
Unfortunately, being dishonest is disrespectful in the long run.
Give people more credit for their ability to empathize and understand you on a deeper level.
Lies that avoid embarrassment might include lies told to cover up bad behaviors, transgressions, or any activity we're not proud of.
If your mom found a pack of cigarettes in your jacket, you might lie and say that they're your friend's to avoid punishment.
We lie to authoritative figures to avoid embarrassment and punishment, including ourselves.
When we've done something we feel guilty about, lies are told to eliminate the guilt, avoid the punishments, and get back to the objectionable behavior we're forced to lie about.
It's a vicious cycle. -
Step 2: Anticipate behaviors that will make you feel guilty.
To break the chain of embarrassment and lying, it's important to learn to anticipate things that you'll likely feel guilty about in the future, and avoid those behaviors.
When you lie, you're covering up some uncomfortable truth that's more easily couched in a lie.
You can either get comfortable with the truth, or abandon the behavior that makes you embarrassed.
If you smoke cigarettes, you won't have to lie if everyone knows it's true.
Own up to it.
If a behavior is un-own-upable, it's probably best to avoid it.
It would be humiliating for your partner to find out that you had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker, but you won't have to lie if you don't do it. , Sometimes we lie to make ourselves seem bigger and better than we really are.
Because we're constantly competing and comparing ourselves to others, any inadequacies can be most-easily overcome with a quick and creative lie.
If you stop feeling competitive with others and give yourself the value you deserve, you won't feel the need to lie to bring yourself up, because you're already up! Forget what you think other people want to hear from you.
Give other people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they're not running "game" on you, or being manipulative.
Speak from your heart and tell the truth, without even the slightest bit of concern about whether or not it will make you look "bad." People respect honesty, even when the truth is uncomfortable.
Let your honesty impress people, not your exaggeration.
Lots of dishonesty results from attempts to impress our peers with elaborate tales that will one-up everyone else at the table.
If you're unable to contribute to the round of anecdotes about European travel, just listen quietly and wait until the subject changes, instead of making up a ruse about your study-abroad in Majorca. , Sometimes, it's better to own up to lies, to deceits, and to prior behaviors that you're embarrassed about, rather than continue weaving an elaborate web of lies.
It can be liberating and extremely healthy to come clean.
Even if there will be some consequences at the end of the admission, it'll be the honest consequences that you deserve. , You don't have to lie if you feel good about yourself! Surround yourself with caring, understanding people who will respect you for who you are.
Do things that give you pleasure and that make you feel proud of yourself.
Getting super-drunk every night might make you feel good for a couple hours, giving you pleasure, but the ice-pick in your brain the next morning at work will have you feeling embarrassed and guilty when you can't make it into work.
Take care of yourself, mentally and physically.
Don't do things you're embarrassed to do. , Be wary when someone tells you something in confidence that you know that you should share with someone else (e.g., knowledge of a crime, a lie, or a harmful act against another).
Hearing such information puts you in a difficult position, especially when the truth eventually emerges and reveals to the affected person that you knew all along.
If someone begins a sentence with "Don't tell so-and-so about this, okay?" be prepared to offer your own disclaimer: "If it's something that I'd want to know about were I them, then please don't tell me.
I don't want to be responsible for anyone's secrets but my own."
Sometimes, we feel a burning urge in our guts to make ourselves be heard.
Telling off a rude roommate, confronting your spouse, or arguing with a teacher can all seem like moments that require our complete and uncorked honesty, but pulling out the stopper can be a quick way to sour relationships and say things you don't actually mean.
To avoid over-sharing, try to figure out the difference between things that you need to say because another person needs to hear it, and things that you want to say to make yourself feel better.
Someone else needs to know if they're missing something that will cause them physical or emotional harm, or if they're doing something that's affecting other people in the same way.
Your roommate might need to know that their excessive drinking is making you uncomfortable in your own house, but not that you think a new date is "trashy." You might want to say something in a fit of anger or high emotion that, upon reflection, you might be able to couch in a more friendly way.
In the middle of an argument about a lackluster relationship, you may want to say, "You're gaining weight and now I'm not attracted to you," and this might be important for your spouse to hear in some ways, though not in others.
However, "I think we could be healthier" puts the same sentiment in the language of something your spouse needs to know, in a much more polite way. , Everyone likes a straight-shooter, but sometimes a straight-shooter's aim can be off by a couple inches.
Consider the effect of your words and learn to rephrase possibly-offensive or uncomfortable language.
Learn to volunteer appropriate opinions Use "I" statements when sharing uncomfortable truths.
When you're sharing your opinions and truths with others, try to keep your honesty tamed.
Focus on talking about your feelings, and your opinions, to stay respectful of others.
Try to add the phrase "In my experience..." or "Personally, I've observed that..." at the beginning, or end it with "...but that's just my observation/experience, that might not be how things are everywhere".
Learn to listen quietly while others are speaking, even if you disagree with what they're saying, or feel the need to dissent.
When you take a turn to speak, they'll offer you the same courtesy, making the exchange both more honest and more comfortable. -
Step 3: Stop comparing yourself to others.
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Step 4: Accept the consequence and decide to face them.
-
Step 5: Do things that make you feel pride.
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Step 6: Avoid situations in which you'll have to lie for others.
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Step 7: Distinguish between what the person you are conversing with needs to know and what you want to say.
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Step 8: Always exercise tact.
Detailed Guide
We've all lied at one time or another, to different people, to ourselves, and for different reasons.
But coming up with a systematic plan for becoming more honest will be difficult unless you try to define those reasons and those people for yourself.
Lies to make ourselves look better might include exaggerations, embellishments, and flat-out tall-tales we tell to others, and ourselves, to make ourselves feel better about our inadequacies.
When you're unhappy about something, it's much easier to fill it in with lies than tell the truth.
We lie to peers we think are better than us, because we want them to respect us as we respect them.
Unfortunately, being dishonest is disrespectful in the long run.
Give people more credit for their ability to empathize and understand you on a deeper level.
Lies that avoid embarrassment might include lies told to cover up bad behaviors, transgressions, or any activity we're not proud of.
If your mom found a pack of cigarettes in your jacket, you might lie and say that they're your friend's to avoid punishment.
We lie to authoritative figures to avoid embarrassment and punishment, including ourselves.
When we've done something we feel guilty about, lies are told to eliminate the guilt, avoid the punishments, and get back to the objectionable behavior we're forced to lie about.
It's a vicious cycle.
To break the chain of embarrassment and lying, it's important to learn to anticipate things that you'll likely feel guilty about in the future, and avoid those behaviors.
When you lie, you're covering up some uncomfortable truth that's more easily couched in a lie.
You can either get comfortable with the truth, or abandon the behavior that makes you embarrassed.
If you smoke cigarettes, you won't have to lie if everyone knows it's true.
Own up to it.
If a behavior is un-own-upable, it's probably best to avoid it.
It would be humiliating for your partner to find out that you had an inappropriate relationship with a coworker, but you won't have to lie if you don't do it. , Sometimes we lie to make ourselves seem bigger and better than we really are.
Because we're constantly competing and comparing ourselves to others, any inadequacies can be most-easily overcome with a quick and creative lie.
If you stop feeling competitive with others and give yourself the value you deserve, you won't feel the need to lie to bring yourself up, because you're already up! Forget what you think other people want to hear from you.
Give other people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they're not running "game" on you, or being manipulative.
Speak from your heart and tell the truth, without even the slightest bit of concern about whether or not it will make you look "bad." People respect honesty, even when the truth is uncomfortable.
Let your honesty impress people, not your exaggeration.
Lots of dishonesty results from attempts to impress our peers with elaborate tales that will one-up everyone else at the table.
If you're unable to contribute to the round of anecdotes about European travel, just listen quietly and wait until the subject changes, instead of making up a ruse about your study-abroad in Majorca. , Sometimes, it's better to own up to lies, to deceits, and to prior behaviors that you're embarrassed about, rather than continue weaving an elaborate web of lies.
It can be liberating and extremely healthy to come clean.
Even if there will be some consequences at the end of the admission, it'll be the honest consequences that you deserve. , You don't have to lie if you feel good about yourself! Surround yourself with caring, understanding people who will respect you for who you are.
Do things that give you pleasure and that make you feel proud of yourself.
Getting super-drunk every night might make you feel good for a couple hours, giving you pleasure, but the ice-pick in your brain the next morning at work will have you feeling embarrassed and guilty when you can't make it into work.
Take care of yourself, mentally and physically.
Don't do things you're embarrassed to do. , Be wary when someone tells you something in confidence that you know that you should share with someone else (e.g., knowledge of a crime, a lie, or a harmful act against another).
Hearing such information puts you in a difficult position, especially when the truth eventually emerges and reveals to the affected person that you knew all along.
If someone begins a sentence with "Don't tell so-and-so about this, okay?" be prepared to offer your own disclaimer: "If it's something that I'd want to know about were I them, then please don't tell me.
I don't want to be responsible for anyone's secrets but my own."
Sometimes, we feel a burning urge in our guts to make ourselves be heard.
Telling off a rude roommate, confronting your spouse, or arguing with a teacher can all seem like moments that require our complete and uncorked honesty, but pulling out the stopper can be a quick way to sour relationships and say things you don't actually mean.
To avoid over-sharing, try to figure out the difference between things that you need to say because another person needs to hear it, and things that you want to say to make yourself feel better.
Someone else needs to know if they're missing something that will cause them physical or emotional harm, or if they're doing something that's affecting other people in the same way.
Your roommate might need to know that their excessive drinking is making you uncomfortable in your own house, but not that you think a new date is "trashy." You might want to say something in a fit of anger or high emotion that, upon reflection, you might be able to couch in a more friendly way.
In the middle of an argument about a lackluster relationship, you may want to say, "You're gaining weight and now I'm not attracted to you," and this might be important for your spouse to hear in some ways, though not in others.
However, "I think we could be healthier" puts the same sentiment in the language of something your spouse needs to know, in a much more polite way. , Everyone likes a straight-shooter, but sometimes a straight-shooter's aim can be off by a couple inches.
Consider the effect of your words and learn to rephrase possibly-offensive or uncomfortable language.
Learn to volunteer appropriate opinions Use "I" statements when sharing uncomfortable truths.
When you're sharing your opinions and truths with others, try to keep your honesty tamed.
Focus on talking about your feelings, and your opinions, to stay respectful of others.
Try to add the phrase "In my experience..." or "Personally, I've observed that..." at the beginning, or end it with "...but that's just my observation/experience, that might not be how things are everywhere".
Learn to listen quietly while others are speaking, even if you disagree with what they're saying, or feel the need to dissent.
When you take a turn to speak, they'll offer you the same courtesy, making the exchange both more honest and more comfortable.
About the Author
Alice Ramos
Committed to making DIY projects accessible and understandable for everyone.
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