How to Be Less Self Absorbed
Consider whether you tend to make everything about you., Begin noticing when you're focused solely on what makes you feel good at the moment., Think about the friendships and relationships you have., Be kind to yourself., Learn to look beyond your...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Consider whether you tend to make everything about you.
Do you have a tendency to hog the limelight, to talk over others, or to insist that your needs are met first? Or, do you tend to think it's okay to throw a tantrum or sulk when things don't go your way? These sorts of behaviors suggest that you're being self-absorbed and expecting others to bend to your wishes. -
Step 2: Begin noticing when you're focused solely on what makes you feel good at the moment.
This sort of focus tends to push aside others because you aren't willing to take into account their needs and wants, and you're unwilling to compromise so that everyone gets something they're after.
If you can learn to spot that you're only interested in feeling good no matter how others are feeling, then consider that you may have a problem with being self absorbed. , Are they strained in any way? Are there too few such relationships to recall? What are the things you hear people saying about your behavior? The inability to have or maintain long-term friendships and relationships can be a warning signal that it's all about you and that you're not giving enough to others.
Realize that self-absorbed behavior tends to alienate other people.
As social beings, all interactions are about give and take, not all take. , Self absorption is likely a defense mechanism born of a bad experience or series of bad experiences somewhere along the way.
After being hurt by any sort of abuse or neglect, self absorption can be a reaction akin to self protection.
It doesn't excuse continuing to do it but it does explain a tendency toward it.
Thus, understand that it's a coping mechanism or self-protection and take care of yourself in the process of undoing it.
Another reason can be an early discovery that your physical appearance lets you get away with things, such as easily gaining friendships and popularity or getting other people to do things for you.
When this sort of unearned power lands at your feet, especially as a young person, it can be hard to not let it go to your head unless you have good guidance from people who can spot this early and are in a position to also teach you humility and grace. , Looks fade, intelligence and skills last.
Spend a lot of time honing your smarts and your skills and let your appearance simply be the icing on the cake.
It may feel unrealistic to you now but in time, appearance changes and doesn't garner you the same, easy favors it once did.
At that point, you must fall back on your wits, charm and ability.
Thus, spending time cultivating these latter essences of self makes a lot of sense.
Avoid spending excessive time on your grooming and fashion.
Don't take this to the opposite extreme though.
Neglecting self-care is just as harmful as obsessive grooming, so don't sacrifice basic hygiene in order to seem less vain. , It can be hard to let go of the need to be first, to get the biggest slice of cake, to be heard before others and to feel less in control.
But unlearning selfishness is a way of opening yourself up to greater opportunities in life, to experience more connections with others and to be happier.
Check out How to stop being selfish and How to be less selfish for some ways to help yourself. , Humility isn't innate.
It's a self-taught skill that needs to be constantly nurtured and resorted to.
It is part of undoing excessive self-concentration and opening you up to the reality that even with the best of skills in the world, an individual is not an island alone but shares all achievements with others.
It also helps you to realize that you are connected to other people and that luck plays a part in life's success, not just one's own talents. , Read a book.
Watch a movie.
Appreciate the value of things that exist beyond your internal world. , In that way, you won't so tempted to avoid the hard work of self-change or to make the excuse that other people simply aren't good enough for you to be around. , Do you hear "I" and "I want" and "I prefer" and "My opinion is" and "I think" coming from you all of the time? Use this deliberative awareness to begin changing the manner in which you converse with others, reducing these types of interjections gradually to 1 in 3, then 1 in 5 and so on.
Substitute with such conversation as "What do you think?"
"How do you do that?"
"Does it bother you?"
"Where did you get that?"
"How are you?"
"What are you working on right now?"
and so on.
Work up to active listening.
This is where you speak less, listen more and feed back to the speaker that you have genuinely heard what he or she has said. , When you encounter other people, address them by name.
If you're self-absorbed, you're probably avoiding using the names of other people.
By doing this, you are treating them as interchangeable props in your own personal drama (even if you don't think that this is what you're doing).
Calling people by name will help you start to engage with them as living, breathing, unique individuals.
It's a small step, but a crucial one. , And mean it too.
It will help take your mind off yourself and start focusing on the beauty of others. , Choose a charity or other volunteer opportunity to donate your time and skills to.
Be among people who help other people and connect with those needing help.
This will improve your humility and also helps you to stop focusing solely on yourself. , It takes time to become more outward focused but it's definitely worth the effort.
Remember to be kind to yourself––it's an epic journey but you're already doing well by acknowledging the need for change and accepting that there is a better and more social version of you awaiting to be uncovered. -
Step 3: Think about the friendships and relationships you have.
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Step 4: Be kind to yourself.
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Step 5: Learn to look beyond your appearance.
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Step 6: Spend some time challenging your tendency to be selfish.
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Step 7: Seek to be humble.
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Step 8: Stop and smell the roses.
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Step 9: Continue to refine and improve yourself as your life's goal.
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Step 10: Listen to yourself in conversations.
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Step 11: Address others personally.
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Step 12: Compliment other people.
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Step 13: Volunteer.
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Step 14: Repeat until you feel like you have made a noticeable change.
Detailed Guide
Do you have a tendency to hog the limelight, to talk over others, or to insist that your needs are met first? Or, do you tend to think it's okay to throw a tantrum or sulk when things don't go your way? These sorts of behaviors suggest that you're being self-absorbed and expecting others to bend to your wishes.
This sort of focus tends to push aside others because you aren't willing to take into account their needs and wants, and you're unwilling to compromise so that everyone gets something they're after.
If you can learn to spot that you're only interested in feeling good no matter how others are feeling, then consider that you may have a problem with being self absorbed. , Are they strained in any way? Are there too few such relationships to recall? What are the things you hear people saying about your behavior? The inability to have or maintain long-term friendships and relationships can be a warning signal that it's all about you and that you're not giving enough to others.
Realize that self-absorbed behavior tends to alienate other people.
As social beings, all interactions are about give and take, not all take. , Self absorption is likely a defense mechanism born of a bad experience or series of bad experiences somewhere along the way.
After being hurt by any sort of abuse or neglect, self absorption can be a reaction akin to self protection.
It doesn't excuse continuing to do it but it does explain a tendency toward it.
Thus, understand that it's a coping mechanism or self-protection and take care of yourself in the process of undoing it.
Another reason can be an early discovery that your physical appearance lets you get away with things, such as easily gaining friendships and popularity or getting other people to do things for you.
When this sort of unearned power lands at your feet, especially as a young person, it can be hard to not let it go to your head unless you have good guidance from people who can spot this early and are in a position to also teach you humility and grace. , Looks fade, intelligence and skills last.
Spend a lot of time honing your smarts and your skills and let your appearance simply be the icing on the cake.
It may feel unrealistic to you now but in time, appearance changes and doesn't garner you the same, easy favors it once did.
At that point, you must fall back on your wits, charm and ability.
Thus, spending time cultivating these latter essences of self makes a lot of sense.
Avoid spending excessive time on your grooming and fashion.
Don't take this to the opposite extreme though.
Neglecting self-care is just as harmful as obsessive grooming, so don't sacrifice basic hygiene in order to seem less vain. , It can be hard to let go of the need to be first, to get the biggest slice of cake, to be heard before others and to feel less in control.
But unlearning selfishness is a way of opening yourself up to greater opportunities in life, to experience more connections with others and to be happier.
Check out How to stop being selfish and How to be less selfish for some ways to help yourself. , Humility isn't innate.
It's a self-taught skill that needs to be constantly nurtured and resorted to.
It is part of undoing excessive self-concentration and opening you up to the reality that even with the best of skills in the world, an individual is not an island alone but shares all achievements with others.
It also helps you to realize that you are connected to other people and that luck plays a part in life's success, not just one's own talents. , Read a book.
Watch a movie.
Appreciate the value of things that exist beyond your internal world. , In that way, you won't so tempted to avoid the hard work of self-change or to make the excuse that other people simply aren't good enough for you to be around. , Do you hear "I" and "I want" and "I prefer" and "My opinion is" and "I think" coming from you all of the time? Use this deliberative awareness to begin changing the manner in which you converse with others, reducing these types of interjections gradually to 1 in 3, then 1 in 5 and so on.
Substitute with such conversation as "What do you think?"
"How do you do that?"
"Does it bother you?"
"Where did you get that?"
"How are you?"
"What are you working on right now?"
and so on.
Work up to active listening.
This is where you speak less, listen more and feed back to the speaker that you have genuinely heard what he or she has said. , When you encounter other people, address them by name.
If you're self-absorbed, you're probably avoiding using the names of other people.
By doing this, you are treating them as interchangeable props in your own personal drama (even if you don't think that this is what you're doing).
Calling people by name will help you start to engage with them as living, breathing, unique individuals.
It's a small step, but a crucial one. , And mean it too.
It will help take your mind off yourself and start focusing on the beauty of others. , Choose a charity or other volunteer opportunity to donate your time and skills to.
Be among people who help other people and connect with those needing help.
This will improve your humility and also helps you to stop focusing solely on yourself. , It takes time to become more outward focused but it's definitely worth the effort.
Remember to be kind to yourself––it's an epic journey but you're already doing well by acknowledging the need for change and accepting that there is a better and more social version of you awaiting to be uncovered.
About the Author
Claire Evans
Experienced content creator specializing in crafts guides and tutorials.
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