How to Calm Down and Be Yourself
Whenever you feel nervous or anxious, take a few seconds to focus on your breathing., Focus on the present conversation., Seek out social situations where you're comfortable, and slowly build confidence in social situations where you aren't...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Whenever you feel nervous or anxious
Deep breathing is the single best relaxation technique.
Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for three seconds, and slowly exhale through your mouth.
Repeat three times, and feel the stress melt away.
Do this whenever you start to feel anxious or stressed.
You can even do this method in the middle of a conversation.
Practice on your own.
It seems simple enough, but deep breathing is a skill.
Practice breathing with your diaphragm, which is right below the rib cage and above the stomach.
Diaphragm breathing is the most relaxing and calming way to breath.
Be mindful of your breathing.
When you start to get nervous or frustrated, you'll notice your breathing is sharp and quick, and your heart is pounding.
This disrupts the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide leading to more anxiety problems like dizziness and muscle tension.
When you're calm, your breath is slow and deliberate.
Meditate to focus in on your breathing.
Sit still in a quiet place and focus on your rhythmic breathing until all your thoughts float away. -
Step 2: take a few seconds to focus on your breathing.
Too often we dwell on negative social interactions or we focus on our appearance.
This distracts us from the present social situation, and we lose confidence to start new conversations.
Remember that social anxiety is hardly visible at all.
Other people can't tell you're nervous.
If you act confident and sociable, people will think you are.
Listen intently and think of things to say while somebody else is talking.
Look them in the eyes.
Nod your head.
Occasionally respond or affirm things they said with an "okay" or a "wow." This will instantly make you a better conversationalist.
Be conscious of your thoughts when you're in a social situation.
If you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts like "I was boring in that last conversation" or "Nobody wanted to talk to me," replace those thoughts with positive ones.
Remember how well you were mingling earlier or how strong you present conversation is.
After all, odds are your negative thoughts are based on misconceptions. , This will help you build confidence.
If you are at your best playing sports with friends or studying in a group or lounging on the beach, actively seek out those activities.
If you're less comfortable in parties, start off going to small parties hosted by friends and only mingle with people you know.
Slowly, go to parties where you're more out of your comfort zone.
Make a list of both kinds of social situations.
Rank the settings and people from most comfortable to least comfortable.
This way you know your strengths.
Favor the activities at the top of the list.
Slowly go to the activities more towards the bottom of the list.
Have friends come with you, and let them know if you're uncomfortable.
They'll help you on your way.
If there are activities that you're confident you'll never be comfortable in, feel free to avoid them entirely. , Safety behaviors are the crutches you use in social situations.
Common safety behaviors are drinking to build confidence, avoiding eye contact, or frequently making excuses to leave conversations.
While these can be used productively, they can also be very unhealthy as they let you avoid the underlying problem.
Write down all the safety behaviors you use.
Go through your list and see if you abuse any of those behaviors.
For instance, if you have to drink before any social setting where you're uncomfortable, that's abuse and you need to stop.
Slowly phase out safety behaviors that you identify as unhealthy.
Do this by facing your fears.
If you avoid eye contact, make an effort to look people in the eyes.
Start small and practice eye contact with friends.
Slowly work up to strangers.
Identify when you use which safety behaviors.
The situations where you compensate the most are the situations you're the most afraid of.
Face these fears last.
Work on smaller fears first and work your way up. , People like you for being you.
Nobody likes a poser.
If you bend over backwards to make people like you or to fit in, people will notice and you won't be happy.
Focus on your own happiness first, and that will radiate and make other people happy too! If you catch yourself saying a phrase just because other people say it, cut that phrase out of your dictionary.
Follow your intuition and avoid overthinking.
Overthinking will only bog you down.
Instead, act spontaneously.
Spur of the moment decisions are more likely to embody your self than the person society wants you to be.
Don't replay parts of a conversation over again unless it's to remember something you did particularly well.
Remember that silences are not your fault, nor are they necessarily bad.
Every conversation has lulls.
Both parties have the responsibility to keep a conversation going. , This is a tried and true method.
Even if you don't feel happy or confident, smile and carry your body in a confident manner.
This will trick your mind into believing you're happy and confident, and before long you'll actually be happy and confident.
Smile in the mirror.
Try to do this every morning and even every time you go to the bathroom.
Studies show that smiling even when you aren't happy will help you calm down and be happy.Similarly, do a "power pose" in the mirror.
Puff out your chest, stretch your arms out to the side or put your hands on your hips, and stick up you chin.
This will trick your mind into believing you're confident.
Practice this regularly and you will actually start to become confident.
Practice proper posture throughout the day.
Keep you shoulders back and your spine straight.
Don't slouch and keep your head up.
This will make you appear more confident.
Act sociable and friendly even when you don't fee like it.
This will build a habit and make others see you as more friendly and happy.
Their perception will quickly become a reality. , Every new person you meet is a chance to show them your true self.
If they don't like you, it's not the end of the world.
You don't have to like them either.
What's important is that you tried.
The more friendly or recognizable faces you see in a room, the more comfortable and confident you'll be.
At parties or social gatherings, make a point to mingle and meet new people.
Have a friend make an introduction.
Join clubs and groups.
This is the best way to meet new people.
If you like sailing, join a sailing club.
If you're an avid reader, join a book club.
Exchange numbers with mutual friends and organize a time to meet up for coffee or lunch.
Keep in touch with people you meet by texting them occasionally. -
Step 3: Focus on the present conversation.
-
Step 4: Seek out social situations where you're comfortable
-
Step 5: and slowly build confidence in social situations where you aren't comfortable.
-
Step 6: Identify your "safety behaviors" and work on overcoming them.
-
Step 7: Stop trying to please other people by being someone you're not.
-
Step 8: Fake it until you make it.
-
Step 9: Meet new people and show them your best side.
Detailed Guide
Deep breathing is the single best relaxation technique.
Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it for three seconds, and slowly exhale through your mouth.
Repeat three times, and feel the stress melt away.
Do this whenever you start to feel anxious or stressed.
You can even do this method in the middle of a conversation.
Practice on your own.
It seems simple enough, but deep breathing is a skill.
Practice breathing with your diaphragm, which is right below the rib cage and above the stomach.
Diaphragm breathing is the most relaxing and calming way to breath.
Be mindful of your breathing.
When you start to get nervous or frustrated, you'll notice your breathing is sharp and quick, and your heart is pounding.
This disrupts the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide leading to more anxiety problems like dizziness and muscle tension.
When you're calm, your breath is slow and deliberate.
Meditate to focus in on your breathing.
Sit still in a quiet place and focus on your rhythmic breathing until all your thoughts float away.
Too often we dwell on negative social interactions or we focus on our appearance.
This distracts us from the present social situation, and we lose confidence to start new conversations.
Remember that social anxiety is hardly visible at all.
Other people can't tell you're nervous.
If you act confident and sociable, people will think you are.
Listen intently and think of things to say while somebody else is talking.
Look them in the eyes.
Nod your head.
Occasionally respond or affirm things they said with an "okay" or a "wow." This will instantly make you a better conversationalist.
Be conscious of your thoughts when you're in a social situation.
If you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts like "I was boring in that last conversation" or "Nobody wanted to talk to me," replace those thoughts with positive ones.
Remember how well you were mingling earlier or how strong you present conversation is.
After all, odds are your negative thoughts are based on misconceptions. , This will help you build confidence.
If you are at your best playing sports with friends or studying in a group or lounging on the beach, actively seek out those activities.
If you're less comfortable in parties, start off going to small parties hosted by friends and only mingle with people you know.
Slowly, go to parties where you're more out of your comfort zone.
Make a list of both kinds of social situations.
Rank the settings and people from most comfortable to least comfortable.
This way you know your strengths.
Favor the activities at the top of the list.
Slowly go to the activities more towards the bottom of the list.
Have friends come with you, and let them know if you're uncomfortable.
They'll help you on your way.
If there are activities that you're confident you'll never be comfortable in, feel free to avoid them entirely. , Safety behaviors are the crutches you use in social situations.
Common safety behaviors are drinking to build confidence, avoiding eye contact, or frequently making excuses to leave conversations.
While these can be used productively, they can also be very unhealthy as they let you avoid the underlying problem.
Write down all the safety behaviors you use.
Go through your list and see if you abuse any of those behaviors.
For instance, if you have to drink before any social setting where you're uncomfortable, that's abuse and you need to stop.
Slowly phase out safety behaviors that you identify as unhealthy.
Do this by facing your fears.
If you avoid eye contact, make an effort to look people in the eyes.
Start small and practice eye contact with friends.
Slowly work up to strangers.
Identify when you use which safety behaviors.
The situations where you compensate the most are the situations you're the most afraid of.
Face these fears last.
Work on smaller fears first and work your way up. , People like you for being you.
Nobody likes a poser.
If you bend over backwards to make people like you or to fit in, people will notice and you won't be happy.
Focus on your own happiness first, and that will radiate and make other people happy too! If you catch yourself saying a phrase just because other people say it, cut that phrase out of your dictionary.
Follow your intuition and avoid overthinking.
Overthinking will only bog you down.
Instead, act spontaneously.
Spur of the moment decisions are more likely to embody your self than the person society wants you to be.
Don't replay parts of a conversation over again unless it's to remember something you did particularly well.
Remember that silences are not your fault, nor are they necessarily bad.
Every conversation has lulls.
Both parties have the responsibility to keep a conversation going. , This is a tried and true method.
Even if you don't feel happy or confident, smile and carry your body in a confident manner.
This will trick your mind into believing you're happy and confident, and before long you'll actually be happy and confident.
Smile in the mirror.
Try to do this every morning and even every time you go to the bathroom.
Studies show that smiling even when you aren't happy will help you calm down and be happy.Similarly, do a "power pose" in the mirror.
Puff out your chest, stretch your arms out to the side or put your hands on your hips, and stick up you chin.
This will trick your mind into believing you're confident.
Practice this regularly and you will actually start to become confident.
Practice proper posture throughout the day.
Keep you shoulders back and your spine straight.
Don't slouch and keep your head up.
This will make you appear more confident.
Act sociable and friendly even when you don't fee like it.
This will build a habit and make others see you as more friendly and happy.
Their perception will quickly become a reality. , Every new person you meet is a chance to show them your true self.
If they don't like you, it's not the end of the world.
You don't have to like them either.
What's important is that you tried.
The more friendly or recognizable faces you see in a room, the more comfortable and confident you'll be.
At parties or social gatherings, make a point to mingle and meet new people.
Have a friend make an introduction.
Join clubs and groups.
This is the best way to meet new people.
If you like sailing, join a sailing club.
If you're an avid reader, join a book club.
Exchange numbers with mutual friends and organize a time to meet up for coffee or lunch.
Keep in touch with people you meet by texting them occasionally.
About the Author
Sharon Cole
Writer and educator with a focus on practical cooking knowledge.
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