How to Comfort a Crying Woman
Assess the situation., Decide to comfort her., Be a good listener., Don't minimize her pain or tell her not to cry., Affirm her sadness., Use nonverbal comforting techniques., Assess whether physical contact is appropriate., Ask her what you can do...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Assess the situation.
There can be an infinite number of reasons why a woman might be crying.
Perhaps she is grieving, stressed out, ill, or overwhelmed by joy.
Before proceeding further, try to get a handle on what the situation might be and whether it is appropriate for you to try to comfort her.
Some reasons why you might not be the right person to comfort her would be:
If you are affected by the same situation that is upsetting her.
If you are shaken up, disturbed, or hurt by the situation that made her cry, you might not be in a good position to help her.
If this is the case, you might want to seek out a support network who can help both you and her cope with whatever is going on.
If she is crying from joy.
Scientists aren't exactly sure why, but someone who is overcome with happiness might cry uncontrollably, just like someone who is scared or sad.
In cases like these, congratulating your friend or lover might be more appropriate than trying to comfort her! If she is crying because you two had a fight.
Before stepping in to comfort her, you might want to calm down by yourselves for a while to make that the argument doesn't start back up again. -
Step 2: Decide to comfort her.
Unless there is a very good reason for you not to comfort her, you should make an effort to help the crying woman.
Ignoring someone who is crying can be quite harmful to her emotional well-being.
And choosing to comfort someone will allow her to recover more quickly from her tears and will also make your relationship stronger. , This cannot be stressed enough.
Tears are an important form of communication, and you should pay attention to what she is trying to say.
Use active listening techniques, such as verbally affirming what the crying person is saying and avoiding interrupting them.
Be especially careful not to turn the conversation back to yourself: this is about her.
Don’t make it about you.
Even if she’s not behaving in the way you would, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t deserve comfort, or that she deserves to be sad.
Avoid phrases such as, "If I were in your shoes," "Have you tried . . .," or "When that happened to me, I didn't make such a big deal out of it."
Tears can often be a good or positive action, even if they were caused by something painful.
Crying can bring physical as well as emotional relief to someone who is sad or stressed.
Bottling up emotions can prevent the healing from taking place.
Even if it makes you uncomfortable, let her cry as much as she needs to.
She will likely feel better for doing so.
In general, avoid any commands, negative language, or imperatives.
Stay away from phrases such as, "Don't cry," "You shouldn't be sad," or "That doesn't sound too bad." People who are crying because of a mental illness such as severe anxiety or depression might actually feel worse, not better, after crying.If you think she might be crying because of a mental illness, you should still offer comfort and support, but you should also suggest that she see a doctor so that she can get the necessary treatment. , Show her that you understand her pain by acknowledging that her pain is legitimate and that you sympathize with her pain.
Use phrases like: "That sucks...
I'm really sorry that happened!" "I understand that this must be very painful." "That sounds very frustrating.
I'm sorry." "No wonder you are upset.
This sounds like a very difficult situation." "I'm so sorry that happened to you."
A crying person might recognize comfort more readily from nonverbal comforting cues than from verbal communication.
Nodding, using appropriate facial expressions, making eye contact, and leaning forward can help her know that you are concerned and that you care.
While offering a tissue can sometimes be interpreted as a caring gesture, it might also send the signal that you want the crying to stop.
Only provide a tissue if the crying person asks for one or seems to be looking around for one. , Some people are comforted by touch, and others are made more anxious by it.
You can offer a hug if you know that she responds well to hugging.
Hugs can even help relieve stress over time.
Other kinds of appropriate touch might be holding her hand, touching her shoulder, stroking her hair, or kissing her forehead.
Use your best judgment based on what you know about her preferences and the boundaries of your relationship, and always follow her lead.
Be sure to back off if she asks you to.
You can also observe her body language to determine whether she might be open to comforting touch.
Defensive body language such as clenched fists, crossed arms and legs, or avoiding eye contact might mean that she would rather you backed off a little bit. , Let her be the one to guide you in this.
It’s easy to get caught up in trying to fix things the way that you think is best.
However, she may not want help or may need something other than what you think she needs.
The last thing you want to do is to make a situation worse.
Resist the urge to problem-solve something when what you should be doing is helping her process her pain and grief.
Let her know that you’re here to help her, but don’t force it.
Her idea of help may be simply having someone to talk to.
Often listening is the best way to help comfort someone.
Ask open-ended questions about whether you can help her out.
For example, "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "I'd really like to help--can you think of anything that might make your situation better?" might be good ways to start a conversation about how you can lend a hand.
Sometimes someone who is upset is too overwhelmed to suggest ways for you to help her.
If this is the case, try providing a list of a few specific things you might be able to do to comfort her.
For example, you might ask if she might like to go out for ice cream, or if she would like for you to stop by later with a movie you could watch together.
See if she responds positively to any of those comforting suggestions. , While trying to problem-solve shouldn't be your first instinct, it is possible that there are some tangible, specific things you can do to help relieve her pain.
If it is possible for you to remove her troubles--and if she seems to want you to--then you can offer to step in in some way.
For example, if she is crying because she is stressed out from work, you might offer to do some extra chores around the house to give her more time to focus on her job.
If she is crying because she had a fight with a friend, you might discuss ways for her to repair that relationship. , In the next few days or weeks after the crying incident, check in occasionally on her to make sure she’s still doing okay.
Don’t be too invasive about it, but asking her out for coffee, asking her how she’s doing, or calling a bit more often could be very helpful.
It is possible that she will recover quickly, but she might also need some extra time to get over her sadness.
Showing your support over that time will help a lot. , Empathy is important, but it might also cause you to be upset or depressed.
Remember to take care of yourself too, and reach out to others if you need help!. -
Step 3: Be a good listener.
-
Step 4: Don't minimize her pain or tell her not to cry.
-
Step 5: Affirm her sadness.
-
Step 6: Use nonverbal comforting techniques.
-
Step 7: Assess whether physical contact is appropriate.
-
Step 8: Ask her what you can do to help.
-
Step 9: Step in to help if it is appropriate.
-
Step 10: Check in on her.
-
Step 11: Take care of yourself.
Detailed Guide
There can be an infinite number of reasons why a woman might be crying.
Perhaps she is grieving, stressed out, ill, or overwhelmed by joy.
Before proceeding further, try to get a handle on what the situation might be and whether it is appropriate for you to try to comfort her.
Some reasons why you might not be the right person to comfort her would be:
If you are affected by the same situation that is upsetting her.
If you are shaken up, disturbed, or hurt by the situation that made her cry, you might not be in a good position to help her.
If this is the case, you might want to seek out a support network who can help both you and her cope with whatever is going on.
If she is crying from joy.
Scientists aren't exactly sure why, but someone who is overcome with happiness might cry uncontrollably, just like someone who is scared or sad.
In cases like these, congratulating your friend or lover might be more appropriate than trying to comfort her! If she is crying because you two had a fight.
Before stepping in to comfort her, you might want to calm down by yourselves for a while to make that the argument doesn't start back up again.
Unless there is a very good reason for you not to comfort her, you should make an effort to help the crying woman.
Ignoring someone who is crying can be quite harmful to her emotional well-being.
And choosing to comfort someone will allow her to recover more quickly from her tears and will also make your relationship stronger. , This cannot be stressed enough.
Tears are an important form of communication, and you should pay attention to what she is trying to say.
Use active listening techniques, such as verbally affirming what the crying person is saying and avoiding interrupting them.
Be especially careful not to turn the conversation back to yourself: this is about her.
Don’t make it about you.
Even if she’s not behaving in the way you would, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t deserve comfort, or that she deserves to be sad.
Avoid phrases such as, "If I were in your shoes," "Have you tried . . .," or "When that happened to me, I didn't make such a big deal out of it."
Tears can often be a good or positive action, even if they were caused by something painful.
Crying can bring physical as well as emotional relief to someone who is sad or stressed.
Bottling up emotions can prevent the healing from taking place.
Even if it makes you uncomfortable, let her cry as much as she needs to.
She will likely feel better for doing so.
In general, avoid any commands, negative language, or imperatives.
Stay away from phrases such as, "Don't cry," "You shouldn't be sad," or "That doesn't sound too bad." People who are crying because of a mental illness such as severe anxiety or depression might actually feel worse, not better, after crying.If you think she might be crying because of a mental illness, you should still offer comfort and support, but you should also suggest that she see a doctor so that she can get the necessary treatment. , Show her that you understand her pain by acknowledging that her pain is legitimate and that you sympathize with her pain.
Use phrases like: "That sucks...
I'm really sorry that happened!" "I understand that this must be very painful." "That sounds very frustrating.
I'm sorry." "No wonder you are upset.
This sounds like a very difficult situation." "I'm so sorry that happened to you."
A crying person might recognize comfort more readily from nonverbal comforting cues than from verbal communication.
Nodding, using appropriate facial expressions, making eye contact, and leaning forward can help her know that you are concerned and that you care.
While offering a tissue can sometimes be interpreted as a caring gesture, it might also send the signal that you want the crying to stop.
Only provide a tissue if the crying person asks for one or seems to be looking around for one. , Some people are comforted by touch, and others are made more anxious by it.
You can offer a hug if you know that she responds well to hugging.
Hugs can even help relieve stress over time.
Other kinds of appropriate touch might be holding her hand, touching her shoulder, stroking her hair, or kissing her forehead.
Use your best judgment based on what you know about her preferences and the boundaries of your relationship, and always follow her lead.
Be sure to back off if she asks you to.
You can also observe her body language to determine whether she might be open to comforting touch.
Defensive body language such as clenched fists, crossed arms and legs, or avoiding eye contact might mean that she would rather you backed off a little bit. , Let her be the one to guide you in this.
It’s easy to get caught up in trying to fix things the way that you think is best.
However, she may not want help or may need something other than what you think she needs.
The last thing you want to do is to make a situation worse.
Resist the urge to problem-solve something when what you should be doing is helping her process her pain and grief.
Let her know that you’re here to help her, but don’t force it.
Her idea of help may be simply having someone to talk to.
Often listening is the best way to help comfort someone.
Ask open-ended questions about whether you can help her out.
For example, "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "I'd really like to help--can you think of anything that might make your situation better?" might be good ways to start a conversation about how you can lend a hand.
Sometimes someone who is upset is too overwhelmed to suggest ways for you to help her.
If this is the case, try providing a list of a few specific things you might be able to do to comfort her.
For example, you might ask if she might like to go out for ice cream, or if she would like for you to stop by later with a movie you could watch together.
See if she responds positively to any of those comforting suggestions. , While trying to problem-solve shouldn't be your first instinct, it is possible that there are some tangible, specific things you can do to help relieve her pain.
If it is possible for you to remove her troubles--and if she seems to want you to--then you can offer to step in in some way.
For example, if she is crying because she is stressed out from work, you might offer to do some extra chores around the house to give her more time to focus on her job.
If she is crying because she had a fight with a friend, you might discuss ways for her to repair that relationship. , In the next few days or weeks after the crying incident, check in occasionally on her to make sure she’s still doing okay.
Don’t be too invasive about it, but asking her out for coffee, asking her how she’s doing, or calling a bit more often could be very helpful.
It is possible that she will recover quickly, but she might also need some extra time to get over her sadness.
Showing your support over that time will help a lot. , Empathy is important, but it might also cause you to be upset or depressed.
Remember to take care of yourself too, and reach out to others if you need help!.
About the Author
Kathleen Griffin
Specializes in breaking down complex lifestyle topics into simple steps.
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