How to Comfort Someone Who Lost a Loved One

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Choose the appropriate time to talk.

   In all of your interactions, make sure that bereaved person is in the proper mindset to have a discussion.
   
   They may be particularly upset or dealing with another critical issue.
   
   Ask if it is a good time to talk before going on.
   
   It also usually a good idea to talk with them one-on-one, when possible.
   
   People can be particularly touchy about receiving gifts, even after a funeral, so approaching them when they are alone will maximize the odds of them accepting your offer of help.
   
   At the same time, don't let waiting for the "perfect" time become an excuse for not reaching out to this person.
   
   There may never be a "good" time to talk, but you should be able to identify that some times are better than others.
   
   For instance, when they are in the middle of talking with the funeral director or arguing with their child, it's probably best to wait.
2. 2

   Step 2: Offer your sympathies.

   As soon as you learn of the death, try to reach out quickly to the person you know.
   
   You can send an email, but it is really best if you make a phone call or go to see them in person.
   
   You don’t have to say too much in this first conversation, just a quick, “I’m so sorry,” followed by a positive comment about the deceased person is usually best.
   
   You can also promise to get a hold of them again shortly to check in.It's important that your words are sincere and genuinely sympathetic.
   
   If you don't know what to say, it's okay to say something like "I wish I knew what to say.
   
   I just want you to know I'm here for you." If the person who you are talking to doesn’t know you personally, make sure to offer a quick introduction letting them know how you knew the deceased.
   
   Otherwise, they may not feel comfortable talking with you.
   
   You might say, “I’m Michael Smith and I worked with Noah in the lab at NYU.” If the bereaved seems almost rude or is really hasty with you, don’t take it personally.
   
   It is likely that they are overwhelmed and are not behaving as they usually do.
   
   There are some things you should avoid saying.
   
   It’s generally not a good idea to talk about “moving on” in this initial conversation.
   
   You should also avoid platitudes like "He's in a better place," "It was her time," "Be strong," "I know exactly what you're going through," "There's a reason for everything."The grieving person likely doesn’t want to hear it and your words will likely not be appreciated.
   
   Instead, keep it short and simple and let them know you are there to support them., In your next conversation, it’s a good idea to follow through on your first offer of assistance.
   
   Try to be as specific as you can.
   
   This will help them to see how you can actually help and it will make it more doable on your end.
   
   Choose a certain activity to assist with and give some thought as to how much time it will take.For example, if only have a limited amount of time, you could offer to pick-up the extra flowers from the funeral and donate them to a hospital or other charity.
   
   Many people will make a general offer of assistance and say something like, "Call if you need me," putting it on the grieving person to ask for help.
   
   But the grieving person may be hesitant to ask for anything or be a burden on others.
   
   Instead of putting the responsibility on the grieving person, come forward with a specific offer, like "I'd like to help by bringing you dinner tomorrow so you don't have to worry about cooking.
   
   Is that alright?"
   
   If you offer assistance and they turn you down, it is probably best to leave it alone or try again at another date.
   
   Whatever you do, don’t take it personally.
   
   There is a good possibility that the bereaved is overwhelmed with offers and are uncertain as to how to sort everything out.
   
   You might say, “I understand your hesitation.
   
   How about we talk again next week?” , During your conversations, try to weigh the degree to which any efforts at humor would be accepted.
   
   Basically, don’t joke around unless you know the person very well.
   
   And, it is a good idea to not discuss the cause of death, unless you know the person very well too.
   
   Otherwise, they may see you as a gossip-hunter and not a sincere person.
3. 3

   Step 3: State a specific offer of help.

4. 4

   Step 4: Accept their refusal graciously.

5. 5

   Step 5: Avoid touchy subjects.

Detailed Guide

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