How to Confront Someone Who Has Hurt You
Be prepared: Write out what you want to say before you sit down with the person, so that you won’t get taken off track, do it., Pick one or two most important issues for first conversation., Set the agenda., Clarify what is said., Stay in control...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be prepared: Write out what you want to say before you sit down with the person
Don’t blame, just state your feelings.
Use “I feel …” statements, not “you did …” statements. -
Step 2: so that you won’t get taken off track
You don’t have to resolve every argument you ever had with this person. , Since you’re the one who’s called this meeting, you get to decide what topics will be discussed.
Again, writing down what you want to talk about might help.
Stay in control, stay calm, stick to your agenda, don’t get pulled down rabbit trails.
If the other person starts blaming you (and they likely will do so) just acknowledge their feelings, which leads to the next point: , While it may seem counter-intuitive, listen as much as you talk.
When the person responds, repeat what they've said to make sure you understand.
One of the most effective ways to confront someone is to “hold up a mirror” by repeating what he has said or describing what she has done.
You might say, “This is what I hear you saying...” Repeat or rephrase what the person has just said to you.
Quite often, they’ll feel understood and gratified that someone else can articulate what they are feeling or thinking. , Don’t get sucked into old patterns.
Your job here is not to fix the other person or make them feel better.
It is to have an honest conversation. , Own what is yours, but don’t accept blame for what is not. , Your freedom is not dependent on their apology, but on your own decision to confront and set boundaries. “More commonly, a person’s first response is a fierce defensive reaction to being confronted,” Clinton and Springle write. , It doesn’t mean we have to blindly trust again.
It doesn’t mean the hurt is magically erased.
Reconciliation is based on trust, and trust must be proven over time.” -
Step 3: do it.
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Step 4: Pick one or two most important issues for first conversation.
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Step 5: Set the agenda.
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Step 6: Clarify what is said.
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Step 7: Stay in control.
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Step 8: Accept appropriate responsibility.
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Step 9: Don’t expect instant repentance.
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Step 10: “Forgiving doesn’t mean we have to give in to manipulation.
Detailed Guide
Don’t blame, just state your feelings.
Use “I feel …” statements, not “you did …” statements.
You don’t have to resolve every argument you ever had with this person. , Since you’re the one who’s called this meeting, you get to decide what topics will be discussed.
Again, writing down what you want to talk about might help.
Stay in control, stay calm, stick to your agenda, don’t get pulled down rabbit trails.
If the other person starts blaming you (and they likely will do so) just acknowledge their feelings, which leads to the next point: , While it may seem counter-intuitive, listen as much as you talk.
When the person responds, repeat what they've said to make sure you understand.
One of the most effective ways to confront someone is to “hold up a mirror” by repeating what he has said or describing what she has done.
You might say, “This is what I hear you saying...” Repeat or rephrase what the person has just said to you.
Quite often, they’ll feel understood and gratified that someone else can articulate what they are feeling or thinking. , Don’t get sucked into old patterns.
Your job here is not to fix the other person or make them feel better.
It is to have an honest conversation. , Own what is yours, but don’t accept blame for what is not. , Your freedom is not dependent on their apology, but on your own decision to confront and set boundaries. “More commonly, a person’s first response is a fierce defensive reaction to being confronted,” Clinton and Springle write. , It doesn’t mean we have to blindly trust again.
It doesn’t mean the hurt is magically erased.
Reconciliation is based on trust, and trust must be proven over time.”
About the Author
Edward Cox
Brings years of experience writing about practical skills and related subjects.
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