How to Deal With a Cheater
First and foremost - take a deep breath and some time., Talk to someone., Do not blame yourself., Determine whether you were actually cheated on., Talk to your partner., Ask yourself if you will ever be able to look at your partner the same way., If...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: First and foremost - take a deep breath and some time.
Do not let yourself have a knee-jerk response.
Think! This is especially important in long-term relationships.
Sudden reactions without thought can lead to consequences you might regret.
Give yourself some mental space before you take any action. -
Step 2: Talk to someone.
You are not alone.
Statistics are sketchy and vary widely, but many surveys have been done on cheating and they indicate that between a fourth and half of all married people will or have cheated at one time or another. , It's easy for people to start looking at themselves for reasons why their partner cheated... nothing good will come of that.
Issues that lead to cheating sometimes involve both people, but that's certainly not always the case.
However, it would, help, at a later date look inwards too to find out why your partner looked elsewhere for comfort.
There could be certain grey areas in your behavior which could have led to such actions.
You have remember that most humans like a monogamous lifestyle, as it brings about so much of happiness & security.
However, there are a few who would not conform to this. , Ask yourself these questions:
Were you officially boyfriend and girlfriend at the time this "cheating" occurred? Were you officially monogamous? If not, you cannot be sure that your significant other knew what he or she was doing would offend you, in which case you might want to consider less confrontational options. , Let your concerns and fears be known.
It might come out that nothing at all happened, or perhaps something did happen and coercion was involved (workplace sexual harassment, for example, which needs to be discussed openly and immediately to ward off future occurrences).
There could be a substance abuse or psychological issue that needs to be addressed (sex addiction is very real).
If help is warranted, you might want to support your partner in getting help
- that could prove therapeutic for both of you.
However, substance abuse is not a valid "excuse" for inappropriate behavior and you absolutely must not permit the "yeah but I was drunk so it doesn't matter" argument
- stand very firm on that. , Infidelity doesn't mean much for some, and some people have more than one physical relationship and it doesn't suggest a shortcoming in their relationship with their steady partner, but this is rare.
Infidelity often indicates boredom and dissatisfaction with the present relationships.
Dealing with a partner who doesn't want you in the first place, or one who doesn't mind hurting you, is ridiculous.
Dump him/her if this is the case. , This will only give you more emotional stress.
If you break up, make it a clean break.
However, a trial separation is a valid option.
If you do take a break of any kind (permanent or trial) don't talk to your ex after breaking up with him/her immediately.
Give yourself some cooling off time first.
If there are children or critical financial issues this might not be possible.
In that case, set specific ground rules (time frames, meeting places, etc).
This can be difficult, but it's important. , Check references. , Let the investigator do his/her job first (if you confront them they may continue in an even more cautious way, which will make the investigation more expensive). , Not knowing will cause you extreme stress.
Early treatment is critical. , of the paramour.
Keep this information at a friend or family member's house.
This will be less work the investigator will need to do later on your dollar. , If you share your suspicions with more than one close friend, it is likely to create gossip that can have very negative results in many areas.
If there is an investigation underway, that kind of talk can hamper the case. , If you are also cheating, then it might be time to have an open discussion with your partner and clear the air.
Perhaps couples counselling is in order.
If divorce is the chosen option, remember it can get very ugly, very quickly, and your indiscretions will be brought into the limelight as well. , Don't start a relationship just because your spouse has done so.
This is pure revenge and nothing good will come of it. -
Step 3: Do not blame yourself.
-
Step 4: Determine whether you were actually cheated on.
-
Step 5: Talk to your partner.
-
Step 6: Ask yourself if you will ever be able to look at your partner the same way.
-
Step 7: If you decide this is irreconcilable
-
Step 8: don't break up with your partner and later take him/her back.
-
Step 9: If you are married and pretty sure a more-than-casual relationship is happening
-
Step 10: you might need to consider an attorney or a reputable detective in the area that specializes in domestic cases.
-
Step 11: If you do use an investigator
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Step 12: do not confront or accuse your partner.
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Step 13: Get tested for STD's as soon as possible.
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Step 14: If you can
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Step 15: collect evidence (receipts
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Step 16: emails
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Step 17: photographs
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Step 18: Don't start rumors.
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Step 19: Look at your own personal actions
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Step 20: Turnabout is not fair play.
Detailed Guide
Do not let yourself have a knee-jerk response.
Think! This is especially important in long-term relationships.
Sudden reactions without thought can lead to consequences you might regret.
Give yourself some mental space before you take any action.
You are not alone.
Statistics are sketchy and vary widely, but many surveys have been done on cheating and they indicate that between a fourth and half of all married people will or have cheated at one time or another. , It's easy for people to start looking at themselves for reasons why their partner cheated... nothing good will come of that.
Issues that lead to cheating sometimes involve both people, but that's certainly not always the case.
However, it would, help, at a later date look inwards too to find out why your partner looked elsewhere for comfort.
There could be certain grey areas in your behavior which could have led to such actions.
You have remember that most humans like a monogamous lifestyle, as it brings about so much of happiness & security.
However, there are a few who would not conform to this. , Ask yourself these questions:
Were you officially boyfriend and girlfriend at the time this "cheating" occurred? Were you officially monogamous? If not, you cannot be sure that your significant other knew what he or she was doing would offend you, in which case you might want to consider less confrontational options. , Let your concerns and fears be known.
It might come out that nothing at all happened, or perhaps something did happen and coercion was involved (workplace sexual harassment, for example, which needs to be discussed openly and immediately to ward off future occurrences).
There could be a substance abuse or psychological issue that needs to be addressed (sex addiction is very real).
If help is warranted, you might want to support your partner in getting help
- that could prove therapeutic for both of you.
However, substance abuse is not a valid "excuse" for inappropriate behavior and you absolutely must not permit the "yeah but I was drunk so it doesn't matter" argument
- stand very firm on that. , Infidelity doesn't mean much for some, and some people have more than one physical relationship and it doesn't suggest a shortcoming in their relationship with their steady partner, but this is rare.
Infidelity often indicates boredom and dissatisfaction with the present relationships.
Dealing with a partner who doesn't want you in the first place, or one who doesn't mind hurting you, is ridiculous.
Dump him/her if this is the case. , This will only give you more emotional stress.
If you break up, make it a clean break.
However, a trial separation is a valid option.
If you do take a break of any kind (permanent or trial) don't talk to your ex after breaking up with him/her immediately.
Give yourself some cooling off time first.
If there are children or critical financial issues this might not be possible.
In that case, set specific ground rules (time frames, meeting places, etc).
This can be difficult, but it's important. , Check references. , Let the investigator do his/her job first (if you confront them they may continue in an even more cautious way, which will make the investigation more expensive). , Not knowing will cause you extreme stress.
Early treatment is critical. , of the paramour.
Keep this information at a friend or family member's house.
This will be less work the investigator will need to do later on your dollar. , If you share your suspicions with more than one close friend, it is likely to create gossip that can have very negative results in many areas.
If there is an investigation underway, that kind of talk can hamper the case. , If you are also cheating, then it might be time to have an open discussion with your partner and clear the air.
Perhaps couples counselling is in order.
If divorce is the chosen option, remember it can get very ugly, very quickly, and your indiscretions will be brought into the limelight as well. , Don't start a relationship just because your spouse has done so.
This is pure revenge and nothing good will come of it.
About the Author
Samantha Walker
Specializes in breaking down complex practical skills topics into simple steps.
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