How to Deal With Big Sisters
Explain your feelings., Let her express her emotions., Avoid getting physical., Come up with a compromise., Establish boundaries.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Explain your feelings.
If you’re upset with an older sister, it’s usually best to be honest and explain what’s bothering you.
Keeping it to yourself usually causes your hurt and anger to grow, leaving you more likely to blow up at her at some point.
Because she’s older, your sister will hopefully be mature enough to listen to your side without getting too defensive.
Stay calm as you’re discussing your feelings.
Your sister is unlikely to listen to you if you start yelling and shouting.
To keep her from feeling defensive, use “I” statements.
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say “When I feel like I’m not being listened to, it hurts my feelings.” If your sister raises her voice or speaks to you harshly, politely ask her to stop.
Make it clear that you want to have a conversation, not an argument.
For example, you might say, "I don't want to fight.
Let's try to calm down so we can actually listen to each other." -
Step 2: Let her express her emotions.
If your sister is upset with you, ask her to explain her feelings so you can understand where she’s coming from.
Try to be patient, and really absorb what she’s saying so you're better able to address the problem.
Avoid interrupting her and trying to defend yourself while she's talking too.
Don’t be afraid to ask her to clarify what she’s saying to ensure that you really understand her feelings.
For example, you might say, "I really want to understand what you're saying.
Do you mean that you feel disrespected when I borrow your things without asking?" If you find that your mind is wandering while your sister is venting, bring the focus back to her by repeating what she’s saying in your head.
Make sure to put it in your own words, so you're sure that you understand what she’s saying. , When you’re upset with your sister or she’s upset with you, it’s common for both of you to get frustrated.
If that happens, anger often boils over, and someone may be tempted to do something physical, such as shoving, hitting, or kicking.
You’re never going to resolve a conflict with violence, though, so it’s important to do everything you can to prevent it.If your sister becomes violent during the course of your discussion, walk away immediately.
Don’t be tempted to fight back, or your conflict will only become worse.
Tempers may occasionally flare, but if your sister often resorts to hurting you because she’s bigger and stronger, you’re dealing with sibling abuse.
Tell someone that you trust, such as your parents, grandparents, or a teacher.
When you feel yourself losing your patience and contemplating hurting your sister, try counting to 10 in your head.
That can often give you enough time to get your anger under control, so you don't wind up doing something that you’ll regret. , The best way to resolve a conflict is to find a solution that satisfies both parties, which means comprising.
For example, if you’re upset because your older sister never lets you borrow her clothes and she’s angry because you sometimes take her clothing without her permission, see if she’ll identify a few items that you’re allowed to occasionally borrow as long as you promise to ask first.
Whatever solution you come up with, make sure that you’re meeting each other in the middle.You have to be willing to give something up when you compromise, so don’t expect your sister to do all the giving.
The goal is to find a way for both of you to get a little bit of what you want.
You might introduce the idea of a compromise to your sister by saying something like, "Maybe we can find a way for both of us to be happy.
What if we try this?" When you’re arguing with your older sister, it’s usually best if the two of you can resolve the situation with your own compromise.
If you involve your parents, one or both of you may wind up punished. , In many cases, conflicts will arise with your older sister because one or both of you don’t understand the other’s limits.
For example, you might get annoyed when your sister calls you names, while your sister may not like it when you mimic her and repeat everything she says.
To avoid problems in the future, sit down and explain your boundaries to your sister
-- but you must be willing to accept hers as well.Your boundaries don’t just have include behaviors that you don’t like during an argument.
You and your sister should discuss all of the things that you don’t like, such as entering one another’s rooms without knocking or borrowing one another’s belongings and not returning them.
Be direct when you're explaining your boundaries, so your sister knows what will happen if she crosses them.
For example, you might say, "If you call me a loser, I'm going to walk away from our conversation." It may be a good idea to actually write down a list the boundaries that you’ve discussed.
Make two copies so you each have one, and neither of you can claim that you didn’t know or understand any of the things that you’ve discussed. -
Step 3: Avoid getting physical.
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Step 4: Come up with a compromise.
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Step 5: Establish boundaries.
Detailed Guide
If you’re upset with an older sister, it’s usually best to be honest and explain what’s bothering you.
Keeping it to yourself usually causes your hurt and anger to grow, leaving you more likely to blow up at her at some point.
Because she’s older, your sister will hopefully be mature enough to listen to your side without getting too defensive.
Stay calm as you’re discussing your feelings.
Your sister is unlikely to listen to you if you start yelling and shouting.
To keep her from feeling defensive, use “I” statements.
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” say “When I feel like I’m not being listened to, it hurts my feelings.” If your sister raises her voice or speaks to you harshly, politely ask her to stop.
Make it clear that you want to have a conversation, not an argument.
For example, you might say, "I don't want to fight.
Let's try to calm down so we can actually listen to each other."
If your sister is upset with you, ask her to explain her feelings so you can understand where she’s coming from.
Try to be patient, and really absorb what she’s saying so you're better able to address the problem.
Avoid interrupting her and trying to defend yourself while she's talking too.
Don’t be afraid to ask her to clarify what she’s saying to ensure that you really understand her feelings.
For example, you might say, "I really want to understand what you're saying.
Do you mean that you feel disrespected when I borrow your things without asking?" If you find that your mind is wandering while your sister is venting, bring the focus back to her by repeating what she’s saying in your head.
Make sure to put it in your own words, so you're sure that you understand what she’s saying. , When you’re upset with your sister or she’s upset with you, it’s common for both of you to get frustrated.
If that happens, anger often boils over, and someone may be tempted to do something physical, such as shoving, hitting, or kicking.
You’re never going to resolve a conflict with violence, though, so it’s important to do everything you can to prevent it.If your sister becomes violent during the course of your discussion, walk away immediately.
Don’t be tempted to fight back, or your conflict will only become worse.
Tempers may occasionally flare, but if your sister often resorts to hurting you because she’s bigger and stronger, you’re dealing with sibling abuse.
Tell someone that you trust, such as your parents, grandparents, or a teacher.
When you feel yourself losing your patience and contemplating hurting your sister, try counting to 10 in your head.
That can often give you enough time to get your anger under control, so you don't wind up doing something that you’ll regret. , The best way to resolve a conflict is to find a solution that satisfies both parties, which means comprising.
For example, if you’re upset because your older sister never lets you borrow her clothes and she’s angry because you sometimes take her clothing without her permission, see if she’ll identify a few items that you’re allowed to occasionally borrow as long as you promise to ask first.
Whatever solution you come up with, make sure that you’re meeting each other in the middle.You have to be willing to give something up when you compromise, so don’t expect your sister to do all the giving.
The goal is to find a way for both of you to get a little bit of what you want.
You might introduce the idea of a compromise to your sister by saying something like, "Maybe we can find a way for both of us to be happy.
What if we try this?" When you’re arguing with your older sister, it’s usually best if the two of you can resolve the situation with your own compromise.
If you involve your parents, one or both of you may wind up punished. , In many cases, conflicts will arise with your older sister because one or both of you don’t understand the other’s limits.
For example, you might get annoyed when your sister calls you names, while your sister may not like it when you mimic her and repeat everything she says.
To avoid problems in the future, sit down and explain your boundaries to your sister
-- but you must be willing to accept hers as well.Your boundaries don’t just have include behaviors that you don’t like during an argument.
You and your sister should discuss all of the things that you don’t like, such as entering one another’s rooms without knocking or borrowing one another’s belongings and not returning them.
Be direct when you're explaining your boundaries, so your sister knows what will happen if she crosses them.
For example, you might say, "If you call me a loser, I'm going to walk away from our conversation." It may be a good idea to actually write down a list the boundaries that you’ve discussed.
Make two copies so you each have one, and neither of you can claim that you didn’t know or understand any of the things that you’ve discussed.
About the Author
Jack Stone
Writer and educator with a focus on practical DIY projects knowledge.
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