How to Deal with Pushback to Coming Out As LGBT
Enlist support., Educate in as many ways as possible., Respond to suggestions that this is a phase., Address religious concerns., Refuse harassment., Set firm boundaries., Stay visible., Introduce your partner when your family is ready., Talk about...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Enlist support.
Find allies within your family and community.
If your parents are acting resistant, talk to people they respect who you think may be supportive.
Do you have relatives or family friends who know LGBT people? Find relatives who are liberal or open-minded.
If you have a very conservative family, try talking to relatives who are especially caring.
Think about other ways your family has expanded its views to embrace unfamiliar identities.
Do your parents have any in-laws who are from a different religious, cultural, or ethnic background? Talk to these family members and ask for their support and advice.
Don't let your parents force you further into the closet.
If they forbid you from speaking about your orientation or gender identity, refuse.
You'll only find allies by talking. -
Step 2: Educate in as many ways as possible.
There is a lot of false information floating around about LGBT people.
Ask your family to take in some accurate information from books, movies, and other media that they can relate to.
Invite them to attend a support group for families of LGBT people, like PFLAG.Offer reading material.
There are many organizations that are designed to help the family members of LGBT people.
Check out material from the Family Acceptance Project in English, Spanish, and Chinese: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications Suggest videos.
You can order DVDs from organizations like PFLAG and the Family Acceptance Project., You might have heard your parents say things like "oh this is just a phase" or "I'm sure you'll change your mind." This is a form of denial about your sexual orientation.
Address these comments in an assertive way by continually correcting your parents or other people who make these claims.
Try saying something like, "Mom, I know it's hard for you to understand my choice and my identity, but it is who I am and it is not a phase.
I will try to help you understand the best I can, however I'd like you to stop telling me that I'll change." Be careful not to start arguments when you hear these comments.
Keep in mind that your parents' denial has to do with their own belief system and only time and experience can change it. , If you can, talk to your parent's faith leader privately.
If there are any LGBT constituents in your family's church, ask for their help.
Look for material that will speak to them.
For instance, if your family is of a Christian denomination, they might be interested in checking out material from https://www.gaychristian.net/resources_for_you.php If your family practices Islam, you might find helpful resources at the PFLAG center for LGBT Muslims: https://www.pflag.org/resource/faith-resources-muslims , Show that, while you are willing to talk to them about their feelings, and are happy to answer questions, you won't take insults, blame, guilting, or gaslighting. (Gaslighting is when someone tricks you into doubting your own memory, judgment, or understanding of an abusive situation.)Let them know that slurs, toward you or anyone else, are not acceptable.
Say "I know you weren't directing that at me, but saying "that's so gay" about anything implies that being gay is bad.
When you say that, I feel like you're saying that I'm bad."
Pushback is intended to silence you.
Even those you love may attempt to stifle your message for the sake of their own comfort.
Stick to what you have to say, and they'll eventually have to hear it.
For instance, you might say "I know you are attached to my old name, but it isn't my name any more.
Please refrain from using it.
It makes me feel invisible." Always set consequences when you establish boundaries: "If you keep calling me by my old name, I will take stop visiting you." If you live with your family, your boundaries may have to be conversational rather than actionable: "If you call me by my old name, I will feel terrible, and I will tell you that I feel terrible.
I will never pretend that what you are doing is okay.
I will end our conversation, and I will go to my room as soon as I can." Always enforce your boundaries! Once you set them, follow them. , Don't let your family deny your identity.
If they act like you never told them anything, let them know that that's not okay.
If they say they don't want to talk about it, explain that you aren't comfortable with this being a secret—there's nothing wrong with it, and you need them to acknowledge it so that you can feel like a whole person.
If they call you by the wrong name, use pronouns you don't identify with, or engage in other gender-denying practices, like buying you clothing that contradicts your gender identity, put your foot down.
Explain that you need them to support you, and that you feel bullied when they push an identity that isn't yours. , You want your family to accept your loved one, but you don't want to expose your loved one to abuse.
Tell your family how much you want them to meet your partner, but don't rush them.
Give them weeks or months to get used to the idea that your orientation is not what they had imagined.
If you and your sweetheart are married or are adults who have been living together for years, explain to your family that you need your partner to be treated like any other in-law.
They should be invited to family events and included in family pictures.
If they refuse to acknowledge your partner at family events, let them know that this hurts you.
Consider taking some space if you feel able. , Your family might think that being LGBT means you are doomed to be friendless, loveless, childless, and physically endangered.
This is obviously not true, but it's a fear that many parents have.
Show them the things that bring you joy about your gender and orientation.
You might tell them about the great friends you have made through LGBT groups, mention caring things your partner has done for you, and otherwise share the joys of your life.
If you are younger, the joys of being LGBT might feel far away.
You can show your joy by showing your parents the ordinary pleasure of your life: pleasure in your friends, interest in school, a love of sports or the arts. , Don't cut your family out of your life right away, unless they physically harm you or verbally abuse you.
Give them a long chance to get used to the news.
Your parents may go through shock, denial, anger, and guilt before they arrive at acceptance.Tell them that you love them, and you can't lie to them.
Say "I need you to know who I am.
It hurts me to lie to you." Take care of yourself during this time.
If you need time away, take it.
Not all parents achieve full acceptance.
The best you can do is hope that they do, and accept the love they can offer.
Love yourself and find friends who accept you fully in the meantime. -
Step 3: Respond to suggestions that this is a phase.
-
Step 4: Address religious concerns.
-
Step 5: Refuse harassment.
-
Step 6: Set firm boundaries.
-
Step 7: Stay visible.
-
Step 8: Introduce your partner when your family is ready.
-
Step 9: Talk about your joy.
-
Step 10: Give them a chance.
Detailed Guide
Find allies within your family and community.
If your parents are acting resistant, talk to people they respect who you think may be supportive.
Do you have relatives or family friends who know LGBT people? Find relatives who are liberal or open-minded.
If you have a very conservative family, try talking to relatives who are especially caring.
Think about other ways your family has expanded its views to embrace unfamiliar identities.
Do your parents have any in-laws who are from a different religious, cultural, or ethnic background? Talk to these family members and ask for their support and advice.
Don't let your parents force you further into the closet.
If they forbid you from speaking about your orientation or gender identity, refuse.
You'll only find allies by talking.
There is a lot of false information floating around about LGBT people.
Ask your family to take in some accurate information from books, movies, and other media that they can relate to.
Invite them to attend a support group for families of LGBT people, like PFLAG.Offer reading material.
There are many organizations that are designed to help the family members of LGBT people.
Check out material from the Family Acceptance Project in English, Spanish, and Chinese: https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/publications Suggest videos.
You can order DVDs from organizations like PFLAG and the Family Acceptance Project., You might have heard your parents say things like "oh this is just a phase" or "I'm sure you'll change your mind." This is a form of denial about your sexual orientation.
Address these comments in an assertive way by continually correcting your parents or other people who make these claims.
Try saying something like, "Mom, I know it's hard for you to understand my choice and my identity, but it is who I am and it is not a phase.
I will try to help you understand the best I can, however I'd like you to stop telling me that I'll change." Be careful not to start arguments when you hear these comments.
Keep in mind that your parents' denial has to do with their own belief system and only time and experience can change it. , If you can, talk to your parent's faith leader privately.
If there are any LGBT constituents in your family's church, ask for their help.
Look for material that will speak to them.
For instance, if your family is of a Christian denomination, they might be interested in checking out material from https://www.gaychristian.net/resources_for_you.php If your family practices Islam, you might find helpful resources at the PFLAG center for LGBT Muslims: https://www.pflag.org/resource/faith-resources-muslims , Show that, while you are willing to talk to them about their feelings, and are happy to answer questions, you won't take insults, blame, guilting, or gaslighting. (Gaslighting is when someone tricks you into doubting your own memory, judgment, or understanding of an abusive situation.)Let them know that slurs, toward you or anyone else, are not acceptable.
Say "I know you weren't directing that at me, but saying "that's so gay" about anything implies that being gay is bad.
When you say that, I feel like you're saying that I'm bad."
Pushback is intended to silence you.
Even those you love may attempt to stifle your message for the sake of their own comfort.
Stick to what you have to say, and they'll eventually have to hear it.
For instance, you might say "I know you are attached to my old name, but it isn't my name any more.
Please refrain from using it.
It makes me feel invisible." Always set consequences when you establish boundaries: "If you keep calling me by my old name, I will take stop visiting you." If you live with your family, your boundaries may have to be conversational rather than actionable: "If you call me by my old name, I will feel terrible, and I will tell you that I feel terrible.
I will never pretend that what you are doing is okay.
I will end our conversation, and I will go to my room as soon as I can." Always enforce your boundaries! Once you set them, follow them. , Don't let your family deny your identity.
If they act like you never told them anything, let them know that that's not okay.
If they say they don't want to talk about it, explain that you aren't comfortable with this being a secret—there's nothing wrong with it, and you need them to acknowledge it so that you can feel like a whole person.
If they call you by the wrong name, use pronouns you don't identify with, or engage in other gender-denying practices, like buying you clothing that contradicts your gender identity, put your foot down.
Explain that you need them to support you, and that you feel bullied when they push an identity that isn't yours. , You want your family to accept your loved one, but you don't want to expose your loved one to abuse.
Tell your family how much you want them to meet your partner, but don't rush them.
Give them weeks or months to get used to the idea that your orientation is not what they had imagined.
If you and your sweetheart are married or are adults who have been living together for years, explain to your family that you need your partner to be treated like any other in-law.
They should be invited to family events and included in family pictures.
If they refuse to acknowledge your partner at family events, let them know that this hurts you.
Consider taking some space if you feel able. , Your family might think that being LGBT means you are doomed to be friendless, loveless, childless, and physically endangered.
This is obviously not true, but it's a fear that many parents have.
Show them the things that bring you joy about your gender and orientation.
You might tell them about the great friends you have made through LGBT groups, mention caring things your partner has done for you, and otherwise share the joys of your life.
If you are younger, the joys of being LGBT might feel far away.
You can show your joy by showing your parents the ordinary pleasure of your life: pleasure in your friends, interest in school, a love of sports or the arts. , Don't cut your family out of your life right away, unless they physically harm you or verbally abuse you.
Give them a long chance to get used to the news.
Your parents may go through shock, denial, anger, and guilt before they arrive at acceptance.Tell them that you love them, and you can't lie to them.
Say "I need you to know who I am.
It hurts me to lie to you." Take care of yourself during this time.
If you need time away, take it.
Not all parents achieve full acceptance.
The best you can do is hope that they do, and accept the love they can offer.
Love yourself and find friends who accept you fully in the meantime.
About the Author
Joyce Gonzales
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in practical skills and beyond.
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