How to Figure Out Whether or Not You Are a Lesbian
Think about the people who attract you., Reflect on your feelings for other women., Think back on your actions., Talk to those who identify as lesbian., Take your time., Consider talking to friends or family if you feel safe., Know that you do not...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think about the people who attract you.
After you know more about sexual identities, take some time to reflect more on your own.
Considering the following questions can help you assess where you are on the spectrum:
What thoughts have you had that make you think you might be a lesbian? Have you ever had sexual thoughts for men? How often do you have both? If you had a thought that another woman is pretty, know that this does not indicate sexual identity.
Being able to recognize beauty in others in normal. -
Step 2: Reflect on your feelings for other women.
Beyond your thoughts, begin to consider your feelings for other women.
Perhaps you have even felt that you have been in love with a woman before.
Know that this does not inherently mean that you are lesbian, but it could mean that you are not heterosexual.
Consider the following questions in assessing your feelings:
Have you wanted to kiss, touch, or do something romantic for other women? Have you ever had thoughts about men in this way? Which feelings bring you more pleasure? , In addition to your thoughts and feelings, think about what you have done with other women.
If you have been on dates, been in relationships, or had sex with women, then you might be a lesbian, especially if you have no interest in doing these things with men., One other way to help assess your feelings is to talk to lesbian women.
You might want to find out how they realized that they were lesbian or if they always knew, what their same sex attractions were like to them, and if they ever had feelings for men.
Try to find someone who you know well who you can feel comfortable asking personal questions.
Make sure that you trust this person as well so that they don’t out you before you are ready. , After you have taken some time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and history, take the pressure off of yourself.
Allow these reflections to sit with you and don’t feel that you have to make a choice or tell anyone until you are ready.Consider watching some television shows or films that feature lesbian characters.
If you identify with them more than the straight characters, you might be gay.
You might also want to read some books with lesbian characters, as well. , If you feel that your friends and family will be supportive of you regardless of your sexual identity, talk to them about your confusion.
Perhaps they have observed some behavior in you that you may not have even noticed in yourself, like staring at other women.You might say something like “Hey Monica, I consider you as being one of my best friends.
I hope you won’t judge me, but lately I’ve been wondering if maybe I’m a lesbian or not.
Have you ever thought that maybe I am?” If you're nervous about telling your friends, you can ask them what they think about LGBTQ issues in general.
You can say something like, "I'm glad gay marriage is legal now, but I think there are still a lot of obstacles before LGBTQ people are treated equally in our country.
What do you think?" Don’t talk to your family or friends if you have good cause to feel afraid of their reactions.
If you are likely to be abused or cut off financially, protect yourself. , At the end of the day, labeling yourself as a lesbian before you are sure is not a good idea.
At the same time, pretending to be straight if you know you are not is also not ideal.
Know that regardless of your sexual orientation, however, you do not have to label yourself until you are ready and sure.
Be who you are apart from labels.If you aren't sure, you can tell people you are "questioning." You can also choose to identify as "queer," a label that doesn't specify whether you feel a difference in your orientation, gender, or both. , Take some time to explore your attractions.
Flirt with women and see how it makes you feel.
Give a guy your number if you like him and want to chat.
Consider going on a few dates with people from both genders and assess who you are attracted to more, emotionally and physically.
But most of all, have fun! , Some people experience sexual and romantic attraction to people of both genders, and may identify as bisexual.
Some might not be concerned about gender at all when selecting a partner and may identify as being pansexual or queer.
Though you may very well be a lesbian, recognize that attraction is not always black and white., Know that sex is the gender that you were assigned at birth, either male or female, based on your reproductive organs.
Sexual orientation is your sexual identity based on the gender that you are attracted to.Gender identity is how you identify yourself beyond what is listed on your birth certificate.
You might be listed as female but have always identified with men and feel that you are a man.
In this instance, your gender identity would be a transgender man. , Know that your previous attractions don’t necessarily determine your future ones.
Today, you may really want to kiss a certain woman that you know, and tomorrow you might want to kiss a guy and never think about a woman again.
Recognize that attractions can change.
However, if you have never been attracted to a man, and only have feelings for women, you may be a lesbian., Figuring out that you are a lesbian might be difficult for you.
Perhaps your family is very religious or you live in a small town and you are afraid of the backlash you might receive should people find out.
No matter your circumstances, however, know that you can’t change your attraction.
You are who you are.
Work to keep yourself safe, but don’t lose yourself in the process., Though some people might confuse the two, recognize that sexual and emotional attraction are inherently different.
For instance, perhaps you have a friend who is a woman who you always want to kiss or touch, but you do not necessarily want to go out to dinner with her.
Or you may know guys who you would really like go on a date with.
Know that the two attractions are different and assess what is more important to you.Also be mindful of the way that women and men are primed and conditioned to think about those of the opposite sex.
People of all genders are conditioned from a young age to think only about those of the opposite sex in a romantic context.
Know that if your feelings for women seem purely sexual, this could be a reason why. -
Step 3: Think back on your actions.
-
Step 4: Talk to those who identify as lesbian.
-
Step 5: Take your time.
-
Step 6: Consider talking to friends or family if you feel safe.
-
Step 7: Know that you do not have to label yourself.
-
Step 8: Explore your attractions.
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Step 9: Consider the sexualities beyond “straight” or “gay.” Though there are many lesbians in the world
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Step 10: know that there are sexual orientations beyond being straight or gay.
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Step 11: Evaluate the difference between gender and sexual orientation.
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Step 12: Accept that sexual orientation can evolve.
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Step 13: Accept that you cannot change your sexual orientation.
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Step 14: Accept that sexual and emotional attraction are different.
Detailed Guide
After you know more about sexual identities, take some time to reflect more on your own.
Considering the following questions can help you assess where you are on the spectrum:
What thoughts have you had that make you think you might be a lesbian? Have you ever had sexual thoughts for men? How often do you have both? If you had a thought that another woman is pretty, know that this does not indicate sexual identity.
Being able to recognize beauty in others in normal.
Beyond your thoughts, begin to consider your feelings for other women.
Perhaps you have even felt that you have been in love with a woman before.
Know that this does not inherently mean that you are lesbian, but it could mean that you are not heterosexual.
Consider the following questions in assessing your feelings:
Have you wanted to kiss, touch, or do something romantic for other women? Have you ever had thoughts about men in this way? Which feelings bring you more pleasure? , In addition to your thoughts and feelings, think about what you have done with other women.
If you have been on dates, been in relationships, or had sex with women, then you might be a lesbian, especially if you have no interest in doing these things with men., One other way to help assess your feelings is to talk to lesbian women.
You might want to find out how they realized that they were lesbian or if they always knew, what their same sex attractions were like to them, and if they ever had feelings for men.
Try to find someone who you know well who you can feel comfortable asking personal questions.
Make sure that you trust this person as well so that they don’t out you before you are ready. , After you have taken some time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and history, take the pressure off of yourself.
Allow these reflections to sit with you and don’t feel that you have to make a choice or tell anyone until you are ready.Consider watching some television shows or films that feature lesbian characters.
If you identify with them more than the straight characters, you might be gay.
You might also want to read some books with lesbian characters, as well. , If you feel that your friends and family will be supportive of you regardless of your sexual identity, talk to them about your confusion.
Perhaps they have observed some behavior in you that you may not have even noticed in yourself, like staring at other women.You might say something like “Hey Monica, I consider you as being one of my best friends.
I hope you won’t judge me, but lately I’ve been wondering if maybe I’m a lesbian or not.
Have you ever thought that maybe I am?” If you're nervous about telling your friends, you can ask them what they think about LGBTQ issues in general.
You can say something like, "I'm glad gay marriage is legal now, but I think there are still a lot of obstacles before LGBTQ people are treated equally in our country.
What do you think?" Don’t talk to your family or friends if you have good cause to feel afraid of their reactions.
If you are likely to be abused or cut off financially, protect yourself. , At the end of the day, labeling yourself as a lesbian before you are sure is not a good idea.
At the same time, pretending to be straight if you know you are not is also not ideal.
Know that regardless of your sexual orientation, however, you do not have to label yourself until you are ready and sure.
Be who you are apart from labels.If you aren't sure, you can tell people you are "questioning." You can also choose to identify as "queer," a label that doesn't specify whether you feel a difference in your orientation, gender, or both. , Take some time to explore your attractions.
Flirt with women and see how it makes you feel.
Give a guy your number if you like him and want to chat.
Consider going on a few dates with people from both genders and assess who you are attracted to more, emotionally and physically.
But most of all, have fun! , Some people experience sexual and romantic attraction to people of both genders, and may identify as bisexual.
Some might not be concerned about gender at all when selecting a partner and may identify as being pansexual or queer.
Though you may very well be a lesbian, recognize that attraction is not always black and white., Know that sex is the gender that you were assigned at birth, either male or female, based on your reproductive organs.
Sexual orientation is your sexual identity based on the gender that you are attracted to.Gender identity is how you identify yourself beyond what is listed on your birth certificate.
You might be listed as female but have always identified with men and feel that you are a man.
In this instance, your gender identity would be a transgender man. , Know that your previous attractions don’t necessarily determine your future ones.
Today, you may really want to kiss a certain woman that you know, and tomorrow you might want to kiss a guy and never think about a woman again.
Recognize that attractions can change.
However, if you have never been attracted to a man, and only have feelings for women, you may be a lesbian., Figuring out that you are a lesbian might be difficult for you.
Perhaps your family is very religious or you live in a small town and you are afraid of the backlash you might receive should people find out.
No matter your circumstances, however, know that you can’t change your attraction.
You are who you are.
Work to keep yourself safe, but don’t lose yourself in the process., Though some people might confuse the two, recognize that sexual and emotional attraction are inherently different.
For instance, perhaps you have a friend who is a woman who you always want to kiss or touch, but you do not necessarily want to go out to dinner with her.
Or you may know guys who you would really like go on a date with.
Know that the two attractions are different and assess what is more important to you.Also be mindful of the way that women and men are primed and conditioned to think about those of the opposite sex.
People of all genders are conditioned from a young age to think only about those of the opposite sex in a romantic context.
Know that if your feelings for women seem purely sexual, this could be a reason why.
About the Author
Sandra Henderson
Enthusiastic about teaching practical skills techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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