How to Get Rid of a Savior Complex
Become an active listener., Wait before stepping in., Offer help only when requested., Stop taking responsibility for other adults., Accept your own inadequacy.
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Become an active listener.
Notice that oftentimes others may just want to vent, not be fixed.
A big problem for many “rescuers” is assuming others are helpless and unable to resolve their own problems.
If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that your help is not needed—just a supportive shoulder and listening ear.
When a partner or friend comes to you with a problem, aim to understand rather than immediately reply.
Make occasional eye contact with the person.
Face them.
Examine their body language to cue into their emotional state (e.g. tensed shoulders may express fear or hesitation).
Offer nonverbal cues like nodding to show you’re listening.
Try to separate what you’re hearing from your own judgments in order to connect to the speaker’s message.
If you’re not sure of what they’re trying to convey ask clarifying questions like “Are you saying…?” -
Step 2: Wait before stepping in.
In addition to actually listening to what your loved one is saying, defy your savior nature and wait it out.
You may find that people can often help themselves if given the chance.
In fact, you may have been unwittingly building learned helplessness or enabling your loved ones by always swooping in to save the day.Challenge yourself to not offer help or advice when a loved one comes to you with a problem.
Repeat a mantra in your head like “I can be present for a friend without rescuing or fixing.” If a friend is going through a difficult time, try giving them validating statements instead of offering to help.
For example, you can say, "I'm so sorry you're going through this right now." This shows your empathy without involving you in the problem. , One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it’s not wanted or requested.
Automatically assuming everyone wants to be rescued can actually be insulting since it demonstrates that you don’t believe in their ability to help themselves.Prevent yourself from this by only taking action after a clear appeal for help.
For example, if a friend tells you about a bad day, simply listen without offering your own resolution.
Only if the friend asks, “What do you think?” or “What should I do?” should you step into the helping role.
If a friend does ask for your help, only provide as much help as you are willing to give.
Establish boundaries so that you do not over-commit yourself.
For example, you can say, "I don't think that I can talk to your friend for you.
What I can do is help you take your mind off of your fight."
Despite the close relationship you might have with partners, relatives, or friends, you need to realize that these individuals are separate entities in charge of their own lives.
When you play the role of savior, you place everyone else into roles similar to helpless children or invalids.
It’s hard to see a loved one hurting or making a mistake, but it’s not your job to rescue them or correct every negative situation they encounter.In fact, adversity is oftentimes a cornerstone to positive growth and development.
They need to go through difficulty in order to learn and improve.
If you take that from them, you rob them of learning opportunities.
To help others establish their independence, try asking them questions about how they might handle the situation.
You might ask things like "What do you think you can do about this?" or "What options have you entertained?"
Many people with the savior complex come off as goody two-shoes, lecturing others about their wrongdoings and many negative habits.
While this may not be your intention, your loved ones may view your constant “fixing” habit as an indicator that you think they are broken or screwed up.
Everyone has flaws.
A person not recognizing that he or she has flaws is a flaw! Realize that "success" is defined subjectively.
What is right for one may be wrong for another.
You may have a particular way of judging what is best for a person, but that does not necessarily mean the other person sees it just in that way.
Check assumptions on knowing what is right for another.
This is particularly true of peer relationships.
There are some things like abusive situations, drug abuse, suicidal signs and the like that are fairly clear on being bad and needs immediate intervention.
Accept your own strengths and weaknesses.
You may or may not be the person to do a task or offer advice.
No one person can do everything well. -
Step 3: Offer help only when requested.
-
Step 4: Stop taking responsibility for other adults.
-
Step 5: Accept your own inadequacy.
Detailed Guide
Notice that oftentimes others may just want to vent, not be fixed.
A big problem for many “rescuers” is assuming others are helpless and unable to resolve their own problems.
If you take up the practice of listening more actively, you may learn that your help is not needed—just a supportive shoulder and listening ear.
When a partner or friend comes to you with a problem, aim to understand rather than immediately reply.
Make occasional eye contact with the person.
Face them.
Examine their body language to cue into their emotional state (e.g. tensed shoulders may express fear or hesitation).
Offer nonverbal cues like nodding to show you’re listening.
Try to separate what you’re hearing from your own judgments in order to connect to the speaker’s message.
If you’re not sure of what they’re trying to convey ask clarifying questions like “Are you saying…?”
In addition to actually listening to what your loved one is saying, defy your savior nature and wait it out.
You may find that people can often help themselves if given the chance.
In fact, you may have been unwittingly building learned helplessness or enabling your loved ones by always swooping in to save the day.Challenge yourself to not offer help or advice when a loved one comes to you with a problem.
Repeat a mantra in your head like “I can be present for a friend without rescuing or fixing.” If a friend is going through a difficult time, try giving them validating statements instead of offering to help.
For example, you can say, "I'm so sorry you're going through this right now." This shows your empathy without involving you in the problem. , One key aspect of the savior complex is the ingrained desire to help even when it’s not wanted or requested.
Automatically assuming everyone wants to be rescued can actually be insulting since it demonstrates that you don’t believe in their ability to help themselves.Prevent yourself from this by only taking action after a clear appeal for help.
For example, if a friend tells you about a bad day, simply listen without offering your own resolution.
Only if the friend asks, “What do you think?” or “What should I do?” should you step into the helping role.
If a friend does ask for your help, only provide as much help as you are willing to give.
Establish boundaries so that you do not over-commit yourself.
For example, you can say, "I don't think that I can talk to your friend for you.
What I can do is help you take your mind off of your fight."
Despite the close relationship you might have with partners, relatives, or friends, you need to realize that these individuals are separate entities in charge of their own lives.
When you play the role of savior, you place everyone else into roles similar to helpless children or invalids.
It’s hard to see a loved one hurting or making a mistake, but it’s not your job to rescue them or correct every negative situation they encounter.In fact, adversity is oftentimes a cornerstone to positive growth and development.
They need to go through difficulty in order to learn and improve.
If you take that from them, you rob them of learning opportunities.
To help others establish their independence, try asking them questions about how they might handle the situation.
You might ask things like "What do you think you can do about this?" or "What options have you entertained?"
Many people with the savior complex come off as goody two-shoes, lecturing others about their wrongdoings and many negative habits.
While this may not be your intention, your loved ones may view your constant “fixing” habit as an indicator that you think they are broken or screwed up.
Everyone has flaws.
A person not recognizing that he or she has flaws is a flaw! Realize that "success" is defined subjectively.
What is right for one may be wrong for another.
You may have a particular way of judging what is best for a person, but that does not necessarily mean the other person sees it just in that way.
Check assumptions on knowing what is right for another.
This is particularly true of peer relationships.
There are some things like abusive situations, drug abuse, suicidal signs and the like that are fairly clear on being bad and needs immediate intervention.
Accept your own strengths and weaknesses.
You may or may not be the person to do a task or offer advice.
No one person can do everything well.
About the Author
Melissa Foster
Brings years of experience writing about pet care and related subjects.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: