How to Help when Someone Dies
Learn more about the five stages of grief., Offer your condolences., Decide what assistance you can offer and when., State your offer in specific terms., Find a time when they are alone., Phrase your offer positively., Repeat your offer., Get other...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Learn more about the five stages of grief.
There are five distinct stages in the grieving process that people go through when they experience a loss.
By learning more about these stages, you might find it easier to help someone who has just lost a loved one.
The five stages include:
Denial.
In this stage, the person might withdraw from family and friends or be unwilling to discuss the loss.
Anger.
During this stage, the person might express their feelings about the loss through anger that is directed at family, friends, or even inanimate objects.
Bargaining.
Next, the person might start to look for ways to regain control of the situation, such as by reflecting on the person’s death and considering how it might have been prevented.
Depression.
This stage may be characterized by sadness, regret, and worry.
Acceptance.
During this stage, one may finally accept what has happened, but the sadness they feel about the loss may linger. -
Step 2: Offer your condolences.
Make contact with the bereaved person as soon as you find out about the death.
It may sound trite, but saying “I’m so sorry” or “I’m here for you,” is useful as it validates their feelings and provides a support system.
If you don’t know them personally, introduce yourself and let them know how you heard about their loss.Keep this initial conversation brief, especially if it occurs shortly after the death.
They are most likely swamped with calls and this can very easily overwhelm the most social of persons.
Also, if they are ‘short’ with you, don’t take it personally.
Use caution when offering words of optimism.
People in mourning are often not ready to hear about moving on.
Instead of offering advice, focus on the gravity of the loss by saying, “This must be a most painful time for you.”, Much of this will depend on your schedule.
If you constantly have really busy days, and you still want to help, then find at least one or two hours that you can spare in your week, and use that time , Instead of saying, “Is there anything I can do to help?” think about what you are good at and offer to assist with that activity.
For example, if you excel at cooking, consider making and freezing a few casseroles., Approach them when they have time to talk and are in a space that is comfortable for them.
People are often sensitive about receiving help or gifts, even in times of grief, and this will increase the odds that you receive a positive response. , Framing the conversation this way makes them feel like less of a burden.
End your sentences with a questioning tone to open up conversation and give-and-take.
Say, for instance,"For the next three months I can pick up your children once a week after school, take them bowling, and drop them home, if you would like?" Or, "Can I come around one night next week and bring you dinner?"
Give the person a chance to refuse, but don't be afraid to make the offer again in a week or so.
It can be a difficult time.
Don't be pushy, but make it clear your offer is genuine. , Let others know what you are doing and if there is any way for them to help as well.
Make a few phone calls to other acquaintances or send out an email to solicit ideas and arrange scheduling.
Larger tasks often require a group effort and this can also increase the range of help that you can initially offer. -
Step 3: Decide what assistance you can offer and when.
-
Step 4: State your offer in specific terms.
-
Step 5: Find a time when they are alone.
-
Step 6: Phrase your offer positively.
-
Step 7: Repeat your offer.
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Step 8: Get other people involved.
Detailed Guide
There are five distinct stages in the grieving process that people go through when they experience a loss.
By learning more about these stages, you might find it easier to help someone who has just lost a loved one.
The five stages include:
Denial.
In this stage, the person might withdraw from family and friends or be unwilling to discuss the loss.
Anger.
During this stage, the person might express their feelings about the loss through anger that is directed at family, friends, or even inanimate objects.
Bargaining.
Next, the person might start to look for ways to regain control of the situation, such as by reflecting on the person’s death and considering how it might have been prevented.
Depression.
This stage may be characterized by sadness, regret, and worry.
Acceptance.
During this stage, one may finally accept what has happened, but the sadness they feel about the loss may linger.
Make contact with the bereaved person as soon as you find out about the death.
It may sound trite, but saying “I’m so sorry” or “I’m here for you,” is useful as it validates their feelings and provides a support system.
If you don’t know them personally, introduce yourself and let them know how you heard about their loss.Keep this initial conversation brief, especially if it occurs shortly after the death.
They are most likely swamped with calls and this can very easily overwhelm the most social of persons.
Also, if they are ‘short’ with you, don’t take it personally.
Use caution when offering words of optimism.
People in mourning are often not ready to hear about moving on.
Instead of offering advice, focus on the gravity of the loss by saying, “This must be a most painful time for you.”, Much of this will depend on your schedule.
If you constantly have really busy days, and you still want to help, then find at least one or two hours that you can spare in your week, and use that time , Instead of saying, “Is there anything I can do to help?” think about what you are good at and offer to assist with that activity.
For example, if you excel at cooking, consider making and freezing a few casseroles., Approach them when they have time to talk and are in a space that is comfortable for them.
People are often sensitive about receiving help or gifts, even in times of grief, and this will increase the odds that you receive a positive response. , Framing the conversation this way makes them feel like less of a burden.
End your sentences with a questioning tone to open up conversation and give-and-take.
Say, for instance,"For the next three months I can pick up your children once a week after school, take them bowling, and drop them home, if you would like?" Or, "Can I come around one night next week and bring you dinner?"
Give the person a chance to refuse, but don't be afraid to make the offer again in a week or so.
It can be a difficult time.
Don't be pushy, but make it clear your offer is genuine. , Let others know what you are doing and if there is any way for them to help as well.
Make a few phone calls to other acquaintances or send out an email to solicit ideas and arrange scheduling.
Larger tasks often require a group effort and this can also increase the range of help that you can initially offer.
About the Author
Dorothy Bailey
Brings years of experience writing about lifestyle and related subjects.
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