How to Let Someone Go
Let yourself feel., Don't glorify the past., Distance yourself as much as possible., Don't put you second., Don't blame all of (wo)mankind., Keep the negative thoughts at bay., Lean on your friends., Find who you were and love it.
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Let yourself feel.
First things first, grief is good.
Emotion is good.
Crying is good.
Anger is good.
Whatever it is, it's probably normal and needs to be let out.
Once the hiding-under-the-covers phase is over, the process can start.
But there's a definite linear process to letting go, and the hiding-under-the-covers phase (also known as the crying-over-a-tub-of-ice-cream phase or the less work-friendly dying-your-hair-a-strange-color phase) has to come first.
Let it.
The first thing you'll probably feel is denial, followed by anger.
It won't sink in as real and then when it does, the words that were exchanged and the exchanges that were had will evoke frustration and pain.
Instead of tormenting yourself not only for the break up but for how you're handling the break up, know that this is how it works.
These emotions you're feeling are a part of you.
You're not crazy and you're not worthless.
You're just human. -
Step 2: Don't glorify the past.
You may find yourself reliving all the great moments you had together.
In bed, you'll be scanning them like a broken record.
But if you had the person back, 10 minutes later you'd be thinking, "That's right.
That's why it wasn't working." It's just hard to remember all the crap when you're caught up in such intense emotion.
Know that if you do find yourself pining over great memories, you're not seeing it realistically.
If you need some science to back it up, know that emotion is proved to affect memory.
So when you're searching desperately for the good, your mind may even formulate new twists to meet your current expectations.Basically, your memory is putting on rose-colored glasses to meet your current thought process. , "Letting go" is basically a euphemism for forgetting.
For not giving a care, anymore.
This sounds a little harsh, so that's why it's given the friendlier term.
That being said, distancing yourself from the person is the only way you can get on the fast-track to forgetting.
You know that shirt you found in the back of your closet that made you say, "Oh my god, I loved this shirt! How in the world did I not realize it was missing?" Yep.
Out of sight, out of mind.
This is much, much, much easier said than done for a lot of people, sure.
But you can take efforts to limit how much time you have to spend in this person's general vicinity.
Use it as an excuse to dive into a new passion, find a new hotspot to hang out in, or a new group of people to occasionally go out with.
Do not revamp your life to accommodate this person, but do keep your best interests in mind. , After you're angry and sad and making bets with the devil that you'll never be this dumb again, you'll probably spend a few days/weeks/what will seem like an eternity wondering where it all went wrong, feeling like you're wandering through a fog.
It'll be tempting to stop functioning, but you can't.
You mustn't.
For you.
For the betterment of your world, you have to keep going.
This is where you do whatever you need to do. "You" comes first right now.
Whatever will make you happy, do it (as long as it's not harmful, of course).
So go paint the town red.
If you can't talk your friend through the fact that someone stole her ham sandwich at work, so be it.
You get some time to be selfish.
Your mantra should be "me, me, me." Why? Because you rock. , You're going to come out of this shortly (at which point the "me, me, me" phase should be replaced by "me, you, me, you"), and the last thing you want is to hold a global grudge.
Being jaded and cynical does not equate to "learning from an experience"
-- it's more akin to giving up.
Try hard to see the best in people.
It's out there.
It's just hiding sometimes.
Not all men are scum and not all women are conniving.
Maybe you have a penchant for the conniving scum, but that's an issue in and of itself.
Take a thorough look at the types of people out there
-- how much diversity can you find? Bet there's a ton.
That's why they call it diversity. , The beauty of your mind is that it's a part of you and that it can be controlled.
If the negative thoughts start, you have the power to stop them.
The train of thought you get on is one you can hop right off.
Sometimes it takes a few tricks, but it's doable.
Put your negative thoughts into a cartoon character voice.
Donald Duck is a good one.
Try saying, "I hate myself for being such an idiot" in his voice.
A little hard to take seriously, huh? Consciously hold your head up.
Keeping it up cues your body that you're present and prideful.
Keeping it down resonates in your shame centers and can actually make you feel worse.
This little movement can determine so much. , Your absolute best resource right now will be your support network.
They'll keep your mind off things and just keep you going.
Don't be afraid to ask them for their help
-- they've probably all been there too! Ask them to help you not dwell.
You need to talk about your feelings, definitely, but a time limit on.
Ask them if you can have 15 minutes of their time to talk but after that, you're not interested in pointless analysis and regret.
They'll keep you from drowning in your woes. , Fact of the matter is you're probably awesome and this is just a minor setback.
Chances are you've felt this way before and overcame it, so why won't you this time? If you've bounced back once, you can bounce back twice.
You're resilient, you've just forgotten that you're resilient.
Keep on living, and the letting go will come.
It's when you stop living that you can't let go.
When you live (seeking opportunities, enjoying life, surrounding yourself with the things and people you love), the letting go happens on its own and you'll barely even notice.
Think back to who you were prior to this.
What did you love? What made you you? How fantastic were you? -
Step 3: Distance yourself as much as possible.
-
Step 4: Don't put you second.
-
Step 5: Don't blame all of (wo)mankind.
-
Step 6: Keep the negative thoughts at bay.
-
Step 7: Lean on your friends.
-
Step 8: Find who you were and love it.
Detailed Guide
First things first, grief is good.
Emotion is good.
Crying is good.
Anger is good.
Whatever it is, it's probably normal and needs to be let out.
Once the hiding-under-the-covers phase is over, the process can start.
But there's a definite linear process to letting go, and the hiding-under-the-covers phase (also known as the crying-over-a-tub-of-ice-cream phase or the less work-friendly dying-your-hair-a-strange-color phase) has to come first.
Let it.
The first thing you'll probably feel is denial, followed by anger.
It won't sink in as real and then when it does, the words that were exchanged and the exchanges that were had will evoke frustration and pain.
Instead of tormenting yourself not only for the break up but for how you're handling the break up, know that this is how it works.
These emotions you're feeling are a part of you.
You're not crazy and you're not worthless.
You're just human.
You may find yourself reliving all the great moments you had together.
In bed, you'll be scanning them like a broken record.
But if you had the person back, 10 minutes later you'd be thinking, "That's right.
That's why it wasn't working." It's just hard to remember all the crap when you're caught up in such intense emotion.
Know that if you do find yourself pining over great memories, you're not seeing it realistically.
If you need some science to back it up, know that emotion is proved to affect memory.
So when you're searching desperately for the good, your mind may even formulate new twists to meet your current expectations.Basically, your memory is putting on rose-colored glasses to meet your current thought process. , "Letting go" is basically a euphemism for forgetting.
For not giving a care, anymore.
This sounds a little harsh, so that's why it's given the friendlier term.
That being said, distancing yourself from the person is the only way you can get on the fast-track to forgetting.
You know that shirt you found in the back of your closet that made you say, "Oh my god, I loved this shirt! How in the world did I not realize it was missing?" Yep.
Out of sight, out of mind.
This is much, much, much easier said than done for a lot of people, sure.
But you can take efforts to limit how much time you have to spend in this person's general vicinity.
Use it as an excuse to dive into a new passion, find a new hotspot to hang out in, or a new group of people to occasionally go out with.
Do not revamp your life to accommodate this person, but do keep your best interests in mind. , After you're angry and sad and making bets with the devil that you'll never be this dumb again, you'll probably spend a few days/weeks/what will seem like an eternity wondering where it all went wrong, feeling like you're wandering through a fog.
It'll be tempting to stop functioning, but you can't.
You mustn't.
For you.
For the betterment of your world, you have to keep going.
This is where you do whatever you need to do. "You" comes first right now.
Whatever will make you happy, do it (as long as it's not harmful, of course).
So go paint the town red.
If you can't talk your friend through the fact that someone stole her ham sandwich at work, so be it.
You get some time to be selfish.
Your mantra should be "me, me, me." Why? Because you rock. , You're going to come out of this shortly (at which point the "me, me, me" phase should be replaced by "me, you, me, you"), and the last thing you want is to hold a global grudge.
Being jaded and cynical does not equate to "learning from an experience"
-- it's more akin to giving up.
Try hard to see the best in people.
It's out there.
It's just hiding sometimes.
Not all men are scum and not all women are conniving.
Maybe you have a penchant for the conniving scum, but that's an issue in and of itself.
Take a thorough look at the types of people out there
-- how much diversity can you find? Bet there's a ton.
That's why they call it diversity. , The beauty of your mind is that it's a part of you and that it can be controlled.
If the negative thoughts start, you have the power to stop them.
The train of thought you get on is one you can hop right off.
Sometimes it takes a few tricks, but it's doable.
Put your negative thoughts into a cartoon character voice.
Donald Duck is a good one.
Try saying, "I hate myself for being such an idiot" in his voice.
A little hard to take seriously, huh? Consciously hold your head up.
Keeping it up cues your body that you're present and prideful.
Keeping it down resonates in your shame centers and can actually make you feel worse.
This little movement can determine so much. , Your absolute best resource right now will be your support network.
They'll keep your mind off things and just keep you going.
Don't be afraid to ask them for their help
-- they've probably all been there too! Ask them to help you not dwell.
You need to talk about your feelings, definitely, but a time limit on.
Ask them if you can have 15 minutes of their time to talk but after that, you're not interested in pointless analysis and regret.
They'll keep you from drowning in your woes. , Fact of the matter is you're probably awesome and this is just a minor setback.
Chances are you've felt this way before and overcame it, so why won't you this time? If you've bounced back once, you can bounce back twice.
You're resilient, you've just forgotten that you're resilient.
Keep on living, and the letting go will come.
It's when you stop living that you can't let go.
When you live (seeking opportunities, enjoying life, surrounding yourself with the things and people you love), the letting go happens on its own and you'll barely even notice.
Think back to who you were prior to this.
What did you love? What made you you? How fantastic were you?
About the Author
Katherine Webb
Committed to making home improvement accessible and understandable for everyone.
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