How to Not Be Controlling
Realize that controlling others is a problem., Make a list of the issues or problems you worry about., Learn to relax., Think positively about others., Consider how you ask for things or direct people., Put yourself in their shoes., Be in charge of...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Realize that controlling others is a problem.
You may have been controlling, directing, or criticizing people for so long that you weren't even aware you were doing it.
Understanding that this controlling nature is not helpful or healthy is a difficult, but important step.
If you're controlling, you have become the problem.Are you unsure if you're controlling? Think about a situation with an outcome that wasn't what you wanted.
If you immediately felt anxious, irritated, and began correcting the outcome, you may be controlling.
Many controlling people offer unsolicited advice.
Think about how often you give advice.
Were you asked to give an opinion or did you just tell the person what to do? -
Step 2: Make a list of the issues or problems you worry about.
These can be specific or vague.
Often times instability, fear, and anxiety cause people to micro-manage or attempt to control their surroundings.
If you have a handle on what makes you anxious or afraid, your awareness can keep you from controlling others.Look at the issues on the list that are specifically your problems.
Think about what's causing those problems and whether you have any control over them.
If not, don't let them cause you anxiety., This will help you deal with your stress or anxiety, making you less likely to try managing others.
You might try meditation, reading a good book, yoga, running, playing music, or painting.
Regardless of what you choose, do something you enjoy that takes your mind off of worrying., If you always seem to nag the same people, stop yourself and think about what you like about them.
After all, if they're friends or partners, there must have been something that you initially liked about them.
Start seeing the good in these people and stop seeing the flaws., If you've been directing others for a while, you may not even realize that you come across as blunt or impolite.
Remember your manners when asking for things! A simple "please" and "thank you" is a good start.
Think about when you're asking or commanding someone.
If you're in a bad mood at the time, don't let it affect how you're asking.
Better yet, wait until you're in a better mood to ask for something. , Chances are you haven't thought too much about how your nagging or controlling tendencies feel to your partner.
Spend a moment and think back to a situation where you were controlling.
Imagine the event from your partner's perspective., Don't allow your happiness to be dependent on what your partner does or doesn't do.
You'll need to be gentle on yourself, be grateful for things you can do and what you already have, and try to connect with other people.Stop having to be right all the time.
This is largely related to accepting your partner and not controlling him or her.
You have to learn to be okay with imperfection. , At the root of many controlling tendencies is a lack of trust.
For example, you don't trust your partner to follow through on chores or you don't trust him or her when they're out alone.
This might lead you to nag until something gets done or constantly check in on him or her when they're out.
Learn to let your partner be himself or herself.If you're having trouble trusting, try letting your partner take the lead in decision making or planning something.
Begin honestly and openly communicating with each other., It might be helpful to do things on your own occasionally.
Take time for yourself to realize that you can be happy without a partner.
Some space might also make you both appreciate one another more.Do something fun with your own friends.
Remind yourself that you don't have to be controlling someone in order to have fun with them. , This will be hard at first, but learn to bite your tongue instead of direct your partner.
Make it a habit and you'll gradually begin to accept outcomes, rather than controlling them.You may find that your partner becomes more receptive and appreciative of you once you stop controlling him or her.
Respond to this change by trusting your partner more. , If things haven't improved or have gotten worse, consider seeking professional help.
Relationship counseling can bring up these issues of trust, anxiety, and control.
If you fear that you're in an abusive and controlling relationship, get help.
Contact a domestic violence shelter, get help from family members, and make preparations to leave the relationship., This will make you more aware of your relationships and make you honestly assess whether or not you try to control them.
Your list may be short.
For instance, you might only be controlling with a loved one or romantic partner.
You may also find that your list is lengthy and includes family, friends, and partners. , Find someone that's not on your list and is someone you respect.
Tell them that you worry about being controlling and need help.
You might also want to find a support group.It can be helpful to talk with people that aren't familiar with your situation.
Meetings provide regular support that can make you reassess your problems and progress. , If you're a controlling person, it's very easy to think only of yourself and your needs.
Take a break from all that and do something for others.
Volunteer, help a neighbor, or visit with family that you don't frequently see.
Getting outside your comfort zone and helping someone else can make you happier, more appreciative, and feel valued., This will be really hard at first, but will show others that you're trying to change.
You might even find that people begin asking for your opinion.
In that case, offer it without expecting them to act on your advice.
Until then, don't meddle or direct others.Similarly, stop yourself from constantly micro-managing others.
Again, it will be hard at first, but you will find that others will be more receptive of your requests later on. , There are several ways to do this.
Not offering advice, directions, or commands is the most obvious.
You can also learn to suggest things or give your opinion when asked, but it's important to stop caring about the outcomes.
Let things happen, go with the flow, and realize that you're no long trying to control everything.
Don't feel guilty for simply letting things happen.
Replace that worry with a new skill or activity.
Relaxing or helping others will help you detach. -
Step 3: Learn to relax.
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Step 4: Think positively about others.
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Step 5: Consider how you ask for things or direct people.
-
Step 6: Put yourself in their shoes.
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Step 7: Be in charge of your own happiness and emotions.
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Step 8: Trust your partner.
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Step 9: Spend some time alone.
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Step 10: Cut out all the nagging
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Step 11: criticizing
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Step 12: and controlling behavior.
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Step 13: Consider counseling.
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Step 14: Make a list of people you try to control.
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Step 15: Talk to someone.
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Step 16: Do something for other people.
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Step 17: Do not give advice without being asked first.
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Step 18: Detach yourself from expectations or outcomes.
Detailed Guide
You may have been controlling, directing, or criticizing people for so long that you weren't even aware you were doing it.
Understanding that this controlling nature is not helpful or healthy is a difficult, but important step.
If you're controlling, you have become the problem.Are you unsure if you're controlling? Think about a situation with an outcome that wasn't what you wanted.
If you immediately felt anxious, irritated, and began correcting the outcome, you may be controlling.
Many controlling people offer unsolicited advice.
Think about how often you give advice.
Were you asked to give an opinion or did you just tell the person what to do?
These can be specific or vague.
Often times instability, fear, and anxiety cause people to micro-manage or attempt to control their surroundings.
If you have a handle on what makes you anxious or afraid, your awareness can keep you from controlling others.Look at the issues on the list that are specifically your problems.
Think about what's causing those problems and whether you have any control over them.
If not, don't let them cause you anxiety., This will help you deal with your stress or anxiety, making you less likely to try managing others.
You might try meditation, reading a good book, yoga, running, playing music, or painting.
Regardless of what you choose, do something you enjoy that takes your mind off of worrying., If you always seem to nag the same people, stop yourself and think about what you like about them.
After all, if they're friends or partners, there must have been something that you initially liked about them.
Start seeing the good in these people and stop seeing the flaws., If you've been directing others for a while, you may not even realize that you come across as blunt or impolite.
Remember your manners when asking for things! A simple "please" and "thank you" is a good start.
Think about when you're asking or commanding someone.
If you're in a bad mood at the time, don't let it affect how you're asking.
Better yet, wait until you're in a better mood to ask for something. , Chances are you haven't thought too much about how your nagging or controlling tendencies feel to your partner.
Spend a moment and think back to a situation where you were controlling.
Imagine the event from your partner's perspective., Don't allow your happiness to be dependent on what your partner does or doesn't do.
You'll need to be gentle on yourself, be grateful for things you can do and what you already have, and try to connect with other people.Stop having to be right all the time.
This is largely related to accepting your partner and not controlling him or her.
You have to learn to be okay with imperfection. , At the root of many controlling tendencies is a lack of trust.
For example, you don't trust your partner to follow through on chores or you don't trust him or her when they're out alone.
This might lead you to nag until something gets done or constantly check in on him or her when they're out.
Learn to let your partner be himself or herself.If you're having trouble trusting, try letting your partner take the lead in decision making or planning something.
Begin honestly and openly communicating with each other., It might be helpful to do things on your own occasionally.
Take time for yourself to realize that you can be happy without a partner.
Some space might also make you both appreciate one another more.Do something fun with your own friends.
Remind yourself that you don't have to be controlling someone in order to have fun with them. , This will be hard at first, but learn to bite your tongue instead of direct your partner.
Make it a habit and you'll gradually begin to accept outcomes, rather than controlling them.You may find that your partner becomes more receptive and appreciative of you once you stop controlling him or her.
Respond to this change by trusting your partner more. , If things haven't improved or have gotten worse, consider seeking professional help.
Relationship counseling can bring up these issues of trust, anxiety, and control.
If you fear that you're in an abusive and controlling relationship, get help.
Contact a domestic violence shelter, get help from family members, and make preparations to leave the relationship., This will make you more aware of your relationships and make you honestly assess whether or not you try to control them.
Your list may be short.
For instance, you might only be controlling with a loved one or romantic partner.
You may also find that your list is lengthy and includes family, friends, and partners. , Find someone that's not on your list and is someone you respect.
Tell them that you worry about being controlling and need help.
You might also want to find a support group.It can be helpful to talk with people that aren't familiar with your situation.
Meetings provide regular support that can make you reassess your problems and progress. , If you're a controlling person, it's very easy to think only of yourself and your needs.
Take a break from all that and do something for others.
Volunteer, help a neighbor, or visit with family that you don't frequently see.
Getting outside your comfort zone and helping someone else can make you happier, more appreciative, and feel valued., This will be really hard at first, but will show others that you're trying to change.
You might even find that people begin asking for your opinion.
In that case, offer it without expecting them to act on your advice.
Until then, don't meddle or direct others.Similarly, stop yourself from constantly micro-managing others.
Again, it will be hard at first, but you will find that others will be more receptive of your requests later on. , There are several ways to do this.
Not offering advice, directions, or commands is the most obvious.
You can also learn to suggest things or give your opinion when asked, but it's important to stop caring about the outcomes.
Let things happen, go with the flow, and realize that you're no long trying to control everything.
Don't feel guilty for simply letting things happen.
Replace that worry with a new skill or activity.
Relaxing or helping others will help you detach.
About the Author
Claire Griffin
Committed to making DIY projects accessible and understandable for everyone.
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