How to Rediscover Yourself
Allow yourself to grieve., Do what you want to do., Cut off communication with your ex., Freewrite., Don’t distract yourself., Set goals., Embrace good relationships and distance yourself from bad ones., Embrace your present.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Allow yourself to grieve.
In order to find yourself again after a breakup, you have to first let go both of the person you were during the relationship and of the relationship itself.
Give yourself the time you need to grieve.
There’s no actual way to circumvent the grieving process.
You can try to shove your feelings aside and avoid them, but they always get out eventually.
Bottling up your feelings and refusing to deal with them not only prevents you from moving on but makes those feelings more devastating when they make their way to the surface (and they always will). -
Step 2: Do what you want to do.
Part of rediscovering yourself after the end of a relationship is remembering the things you--just you--like to do.Reconnect with yourself by doing what you enjoy, whether it’s going for a run, taking a long bath, watching terrible TV, etc.
But don’t let “doing what you want” turn into wallowing.
Don’t use it to avoid dealing with feelings or to hide from the world--that will just keep you stuck where you are rather than help you get where you want to go.
Instead, give yourself the time you need to recover--it may be a few days or a few weeks--but be honest with yourself about when it’s time to start moving forward again.
Don’t get stuck. , If you and your ex-partner are on good terms, you don’t have to cut them out of your life permanently, but you will need to cut them off temporarily (at least a few months) while you work on yourself.If the relationship ended badly and having contact with your ex only dredges up painful memories, cutting off communication will allow you to start to heal.
Even if the relationship didn’t end badly, you need to spend time with yourself, completely apart from an ex-partner.
Otherwise you won’t really be spending time with who you are; instead, you’ll be constantly reminded of who you used to be. , If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, try freewriting as a way to get yourself back on track.Freewriting involves sitting down and writing out whatever comes to mind, stream-of-consciousness style.
Don’t try to censor what comes out or make it sound nice--or even grammatical.
Decide a specific amount of time to spend freewriting--maybe 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or 15 minutes--and write without stopping.
Freewriting gives you a chance to vent your thoughts and feelings without trying to make sense of them first, which is what can lead to feeling overwhelmed.
Freewriting also lets you get perspective on thoughts and feelings that may otherwise feel all-consuming. , We often lose touch with ourselves when we allow other people and things to distract us.
Spend some time being quiet with yourself, free of other distractions.It may sound simple, but if you want to get back in touch with who you are, you’re going to first have to stop avoiding yourself.
Start spending time with yourself by keeping your attention on what you’re doing in the moment.
If you’re cleaning the bathroom, clean the bathroom.
Don’t play music or leave the TV on or do anything else that will take you outside of yourself.
It may initially be uncomfortable, particularly if you’re a person who’s in the habit of distracting themselves whenever possible.
Usually, those distractions are meant to keep you from being inside your own head, feeling lonely, feeling vulnerable, feeling sad, etc.
Rather than trying to distract yourself from whatever you’re feeling, just acknowledge the feeling and let it be.
When you stop fighting it, the feeling usually resolves itself in time. , At a time when you feel lost and without direction, it’s particularly important to set goals that will give you a sense of direction and purpose.
Set both large, long-term goals, and smaller, achievable short-term goals.
For your larger goals, think about where you want to be in a year and in five years.
Set up goals accordingly and write them down--writing them down puts them into a tangible form you can come back to and remind yourself of each day.
For example, if you want to be living in Paris in five years or to have won a marathon, write it down.
Make it part of your daily check-in with yourself and actively pursue opportunities that can help you advance towards that goal.
For your shorter goals, choose things that are achievable as well as important.
You might, for example, set a short-term goal of going to the gym 3 times a week for a month or meditating twice a week for six weeks.
Meeting short-term goals will give you the sense of progress and accomplishment you’ll need to continue improving and moving forward. , When trying to rediscover yourself, it helps to have positive, loving, and supportive people around you.Distance yourself from any negative relationships, whether it be a friend or partner who needs to be convinced in order to love and support you or a family member who continually criticizes you.
Those relationships will only set you back.
If there’s a negative person in your life whom you can’t avoid, like a boss, co-worker, or close family member, work on distancing yourself mentally and emotionally rather than physically.
Resolve not to engage them and to recognize any negativity they direct at you as a reflection of their own shortcomings rather than of yours.
Seek out people who love and accept you as you are and are willing to support you.
Spend time with the people who make you feel energized and who help you feel more in touch with who you really are. , As you learn to focus on the current moment rather than dwell on painful memories or distract yourself from your own feelings, you’ll become realize that past moments don’t have to define you.
What’s in the past only defines what you want it to, so allow yourself to keep what’s past in the past and value yourself for who you are and who you’re becoming in the present moment. -
Step 3: Cut off communication with your ex.
-
Step 4: Freewrite.
-
Step 5: Don’t distract yourself.
-
Step 6: Set goals.
-
Step 7: Embrace good relationships and distance yourself from bad ones.
-
Step 8: Embrace your present.
Detailed Guide
In order to find yourself again after a breakup, you have to first let go both of the person you were during the relationship and of the relationship itself.
Give yourself the time you need to grieve.
There’s no actual way to circumvent the grieving process.
You can try to shove your feelings aside and avoid them, but they always get out eventually.
Bottling up your feelings and refusing to deal with them not only prevents you from moving on but makes those feelings more devastating when they make their way to the surface (and they always will).
Part of rediscovering yourself after the end of a relationship is remembering the things you--just you--like to do.Reconnect with yourself by doing what you enjoy, whether it’s going for a run, taking a long bath, watching terrible TV, etc.
But don’t let “doing what you want” turn into wallowing.
Don’t use it to avoid dealing with feelings or to hide from the world--that will just keep you stuck where you are rather than help you get where you want to go.
Instead, give yourself the time you need to recover--it may be a few days or a few weeks--but be honest with yourself about when it’s time to start moving forward again.
Don’t get stuck. , If you and your ex-partner are on good terms, you don’t have to cut them out of your life permanently, but you will need to cut them off temporarily (at least a few months) while you work on yourself.If the relationship ended badly and having contact with your ex only dredges up painful memories, cutting off communication will allow you to start to heal.
Even if the relationship didn’t end badly, you need to spend time with yourself, completely apart from an ex-partner.
Otherwise you won’t really be spending time with who you are; instead, you’ll be constantly reminded of who you used to be. , If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions, try freewriting as a way to get yourself back on track.Freewriting involves sitting down and writing out whatever comes to mind, stream-of-consciousness style.
Don’t try to censor what comes out or make it sound nice--or even grammatical.
Decide a specific amount of time to spend freewriting--maybe 5 minutes, 10 minutes, or 15 minutes--and write without stopping.
Freewriting gives you a chance to vent your thoughts and feelings without trying to make sense of them first, which is what can lead to feeling overwhelmed.
Freewriting also lets you get perspective on thoughts and feelings that may otherwise feel all-consuming. , We often lose touch with ourselves when we allow other people and things to distract us.
Spend some time being quiet with yourself, free of other distractions.It may sound simple, but if you want to get back in touch with who you are, you’re going to first have to stop avoiding yourself.
Start spending time with yourself by keeping your attention on what you’re doing in the moment.
If you’re cleaning the bathroom, clean the bathroom.
Don’t play music or leave the TV on or do anything else that will take you outside of yourself.
It may initially be uncomfortable, particularly if you’re a person who’s in the habit of distracting themselves whenever possible.
Usually, those distractions are meant to keep you from being inside your own head, feeling lonely, feeling vulnerable, feeling sad, etc.
Rather than trying to distract yourself from whatever you’re feeling, just acknowledge the feeling and let it be.
When you stop fighting it, the feeling usually resolves itself in time. , At a time when you feel lost and without direction, it’s particularly important to set goals that will give you a sense of direction and purpose.
Set both large, long-term goals, and smaller, achievable short-term goals.
For your larger goals, think about where you want to be in a year and in five years.
Set up goals accordingly and write them down--writing them down puts them into a tangible form you can come back to and remind yourself of each day.
For example, if you want to be living in Paris in five years or to have won a marathon, write it down.
Make it part of your daily check-in with yourself and actively pursue opportunities that can help you advance towards that goal.
For your shorter goals, choose things that are achievable as well as important.
You might, for example, set a short-term goal of going to the gym 3 times a week for a month or meditating twice a week for six weeks.
Meeting short-term goals will give you the sense of progress and accomplishment you’ll need to continue improving and moving forward. , When trying to rediscover yourself, it helps to have positive, loving, and supportive people around you.Distance yourself from any negative relationships, whether it be a friend or partner who needs to be convinced in order to love and support you or a family member who continually criticizes you.
Those relationships will only set you back.
If there’s a negative person in your life whom you can’t avoid, like a boss, co-worker, or close family member, work on distancing yourself mentally and emotionally rather than physically.
Resolve not to engage them and to recognize any negativity they direct at you as a reflection of their own shortcomings rather than of yours.
Seek out people who love and accept you as you are and are willing to support you.
Spend time with the people who make you feel energized and who help you feel more in touch with who you really are. , As you learn to focus on the current moment rather than dwell on painful memories or distract yourself from your own feelings, you’ll become realize that past moments don’t have to define you.
What’s in the past only defines what you want it to, so allow yourself to keep what’s past in the past and value yourself for who you are and who you’re becoming in the present moment.
About the Author
Kyle Stone
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in practical skills and beyond.
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