How to Stop Someone from Using Rape Jokes
Take a deep breath., Tell them it's not funny., Stick to your guns., Respond to common fallacies., Remind them that rape jokes hurt men too., Use imagery to make your point., Cry if you need to., Accept any apologies (if genuine)., Disengage if you...
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Take a deep breath.
You may be feeling very shaken and unsafe right now, especially if you are a survivor.
This person is unlikely to hurt you.
Staying calm will help you think and speak clearly. -
Step 2: Tell them it's not funny.
Think of it like a thesis—this is the introduction to your argument.
Believe it or not, they do care what others think of them. "Excuse me, that's not funny at all." "Why would you joke about such a terrible thing?"
They may backpedal, try to dismiss you, or ridicule you.
Keep sharing polite and logical arguments.
They (or others around them) will realize who is in the wrong here.
Give a basic explanation of PTSD and triggers.
Point out that it drives some victims to suicide.Consider mentioning that you know people who have been raped, and state how it affected them. (Do not disclose names without the victim's explicit permission.) If you were raped, you may choose to disclose your survivor status.
Remind them that most women don't think that all men are rapists—rapists think that all men are rapists.
Rape jokes make rapists feel that the speaker is on their side., The person may attempt to write the issue off as unimportant.
Here are some of the excuses that people frequently use in support of violent humor:
It's just free speech.
What are you, the thought police? Free speech means that the government won't prosecute you for having an opinion.
It doesn't prevent others from exercising their own rights by condemning offensive jokes, nor can it separate anyone from the consequences of hurtful speech.
It's just a joke.
Jokes have measurable effects on people's attitudes—for example, studies have documented that homophobes discriminate against LGBT groups after reading anti-gay jokes.Rape jokes are more than lighthearted humor.It's not hurting anyone.
How do they know who is and isn't a victim? Who in this room could have a panic attack, vomit in the bathroom, sob uncontrollably because this "humor" brought up memories they tried to suppress? Who is a rapist listening and thinking "see, it's not a big deal that I attack people, it's a joke"? , While it is unfortunate that some men are only willing to consider the feelings of other men, sometimes this is the only thing that gets through to them.
Women are not the only victims here, and they may hesitate if they realize they're hurting men.
Around 3% of American men are rape survivors.Rape is just as traumatizing to them.
Classifying all men as rapists, e.g. "It's like putting a steak in front of a dog and expecting them not to eat it," implies that men have no self-control or human decency.
This is incredibly insulting to men (especially since dogs are actually capable of resisting this,so they are arguing that men have less self-control than dogs). , Chances are, someone who thinks rape is funny has no idea what rape really is like.
Imagery can have intense emotional appeal showing the tragic reality of rape."How many times have you consoled a sobbing friend at the middle of the night, trying to find words for a horror you can barely comprehend? How many times have you held her shaking hands, searched frantically for medical help, sat with her at a doctor's office trying to get her to slow her frantic breathing?" "How many times have you had to evaluate whether you should fight for your life, or stop moving in the hopes that you won't be murdered or beaten any harder? How long have you spent wondering whether you should report your assault to the police, knowing that they'd probably dismiss it like they do most cases?" "When you go out to the parking lot at night, what strategies do you use to prevent being raped?"
You may feel enraged, frustrated, or panicked if the person keeps insisting that rape jokes aren't hurtful.
You don't need to hide your tears.
Crying will release the terrible feelings inside you, and also make the person realize that their words have very real effects on others.
This can also get bystanders' attention if the person is becoming aggressive. , Some people will listen when they are told that their actions are hurting others.
If they sound truly sorry, accept their apology and ask that they not do it again.
If anyone has run from the room or is appearing especially upset (hiding face, looking away, looks very stressed) you may suggest that the person apologize personally. , You are not obligated to educate people who refuse to respect you or your opinions.
Men who enjoy rape jokes are more likely to be aggressive,so it's important to be extra careful about safety.
Stop right away if the person begins threatening you, swearing profusely, getting in your face, or touching you (e.g. poking, shoving).
They may become violent.
If you are a woman debating with a man, make sure that you are in a safe place where other women are present, so he won't think he can get away with raping you.
If for any reason you want to end the discussion, say "I'm not interested in talking about this more" and leave. (If he seems violent, edge towards the door first so he will not attack you when your back is turned.) , You cannot fix the world.
If you didn't convince the person, that is not a reflection on you.
Take time to relax and calm down as needed.
Your comfort and emotional health come first. -
Step 3: Stick to your guns.
-
Step 4: Respond to common fallacies.
-
Step 5: Remind them that rape jokes hurt men too.
-
Step 6: Use imagery to make your point.
-
Step 7: Cry if you need to.
-
Step 8: Accept any apologies (if genuine).
-
Step 9: Disengage if you feel unsafe or too upset to continue.
-
Step 10: Remember that you are not responsible for others' bad behavior.
Detailed Guide
You may be feeling very shaken and unsafe right now, especially if you are a survivor.
This person is unlikely to hurt you.
Staying calm will help you think and speak clearly.
Think of it like a thesis—this is the introduction to your argument.
Believe it or not, they do care what others think of them. "Excuse me, that's not funny at all." "Why would you joke about such a terrible thing?"
They may backpedal, try to dismiss you, or ridicule you.
Keep sharing polite and logical arguments.
They (or others around them) will realize who is in the wrong here.
Give a basic explanation of PTSD and triggers.
Point out that it drives some victims to suicide.Consider mentioning that you know people who have been raped, and state how it affected them. (Do not disclose names without the victim's explicit permission.) If you were raped, you may choose to disclose your survivor status.
Remind them that most women don't think that all men are rapists—rapists think that all men are rapists.
Rape jokes make rapists feel that the speaker is on their side., The person may attempt to write the issue off as unimportant.
Here are some of the excuses that people frequently use in support of violent humor:
It's just free speech.
What are you, the thought police? Free speech means that the government won't prosecute you for having an opinion.
It doesn't prevent others from exercising their own rights by condemning offensive jokes, nor can it separate anyone from the consequences of hurtful speech.
It's just a joke.
Jokes have measurable effects on people's attitudes—for example, studies have documented that homophobes discriminate against LGBT groups after reading anti-gay jokes.Rape jokes are more than lighthearted humor.It's not hurting anyone.
How do they know who is and isn't a victim? Who in this room could have a panic attack, vomit in the bathroom, sob uncontrollably because this "humor" brought up memories they tried to suppress? Who is a rapist listening and thinking "see, it's not a big deal that I attack people, it's a joke"? , While it is unfortunate that some men are only willing to consider the feelings of other men, sometimes this is the only thing that gets through to them.
Women are not the only victims here, and they may hesitate if they realize they're hurting men.
Around 3% of American men are rape survivors.Rape is just as traumatizing to them.
Classifying all men as rapists, e.g. "It's like putting a steak in front of a dog and expecting them not to eat it," implies that men have no self-control or human decency.
This is incredibly insulting to men (especially since dogs are actually capable of resisting this,so they are arguing that men have less self-control than dogs). , Chances are, someone who thinks rape is funny has no idea what rape really is like.
Imagery can have intense emotional appeal showing the tragic reality of rape."How many times have you consoled a sobbing friend at the middle of the night, trying to find words for a horror you can barely comprehend? How many times have you held her shaking hands, searched frantically for medical help, sat with her at a doctor's office trying to get her to slow her frantic breathing?" "How many times have you had to evaluate whether you should fight for your life, or stop moving in the hopes that you won't be murdered or beaten any harder? How long have you spent wondering whether you should report your assault to the police, knowing that they'd probably dismiss it like they do most cases?" "When you go out to the parking lot at night, what strategies do you use to prevent being raped?"
You may feel enraged, frustrated, or panicked if the person keeps insisting that rape jokes aren't hurtful.
You don't need to hide your tears.
Crying will release the terrible feelings inside you, and also make the person realize that their words have very real effects on others.
This can also get bystanders' attention if the person is becoming aggressive. , Some people will listen when they are told that their actions are hurting others.
If they sound truly sorry, accept their apology and ask that they not do it again.
If anyone has run from the room or is appearing especially upset (hiding face, looking away, looks very stressed) you may suggest that the person apologize personally. , You are not obligated to educate people who refuse to respect you or your opinions.
Men who enjoy rape jokes are more likely to be aggressive,so it's important to be extra careful about safety.
Stop right away if the person begins threatening you, swearing profusely, getting in your face, or touching you (e.g. poking, shoving).
They may become violent.
If you are a woman debating with a man, make sure that you are in a safe place where other women are present, so he won't think he can get away with raping you.
If for any reason you want to end the discussion, say "I'm not interested in talking about this more" and leave. (If he seems violent, edge towards the door first so he will not attack you when your back is turned.) , You cannot fix the world.
If you didn't convince the person, that is not a reflection on you.
Take time to relax and calm down as needed.
Your comfort and emotional health come first.
About the Author
Jessica Stevens
A passionate writer with expertise in hobbies topics. Loves sharing practical knowledge.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: