How to Tell People You're Keeping Your Maiden Name
Be prepared for your decision being seen by some as going against tradition., Learn the reasons why women choose to not change their names., Consider your options., Discuss your plan with your husband-to-be., Inform his parents, and yours., Ask your...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be prepared for your decision being seen by some as going against tradition.
However, traditions are not set in stone.
In some countries like Italy or Spain, it is traditional for women to keep their family name, and even when a woman decides to use her husband's surname she can't relinquish her own and will continue to use it in official documents, ID cards, passports etc. for the rest of her life. -
Step 2: Learn the reasons why women choose to not change their names.
You are certainly not alone in your decision.
Women choose to keep their birth names for a variety of reasons:
Women with established careers and women who marry when they're older are less likely to change their names because they've already established a reputation with their birth name and may feel that changing it would challenge the recognition they've already accomplished. (E.g.
- When providing references for work done in the past, a woman who has changed her name would have to ask a potential employer to use her birth name when calling her references, as her old employers or professors will not recognize her by her new last name.
This creates an inconvenience that for some women outweighs the benefits of changing their name.) One's name is part of one's identity, and many women choose to keep their identities independent from their marital status.
Your name is your own, part of your identity and heritage, and you have every right to keep it if you wish. , You can take your husband's name legally but keep your birth name for use professionally and socially (not including family events).
Whether or not you change your name legally, you can still go by your married name among family.
Unless they're checking ID at the family BBQ, they will probably never know the difference.
But just in case, let your family know that you are maintaining your birth name at work for privacy purposes and if they ever hear you addressed with your birth name with regards to you they should just play along.
You can also take your husband's name as a middle name, or keep your birth name as a middle name.
Swaminathan Aiyer, a famous Indian writer, adopted his wife's maiden name as his middle name to maintain a sense of gender equality even when she adopted his last name.
If the issue is over equality, this is a viable option.
When both couples add each other's surname, in hyphenation, any children will be better identified as belonging to each parent, instead of only to the father. , Any disagreement about this decision should be resolved before you walk down the aisle.
Also, discuss the possibility of children at this stage, as you and your new husband or husband-to-be will also need to decide what surname you will give to your children (people will probably ask). , You may find that they are supportive of your decision.
If they are more traditional, you may encounter some resistance.
Just keep in mind that you need not justify your decision to anyone.
Hopefully, they will soon respect your plans to keep your full identity. , Instead, ask that both your names be announced.
You may even want to ask your officiant (or even your DJ) to announce to everybody that both you and your husband will continue to be known by your own names.
This is an excellent way to spread the word quickly so that people will know how to address you. , As far as the official paperwork goes, it always takes less effort to keep a name than to change one.
Make sure that any errors get corrected before you sign any document. , For wedding thank-you notes, print or have printed return address labels or envelopes which list the names of both you and your husband.
Sign the cards with both names.
Many people will take this as an opportunity to update their address books.
Seeing your name unchanged in print will help them to know how to address you. -
Step 3: Consider your options.
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Step 4: Discuss your plan with your husband-to-be.
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Step 5: Inform his parents
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Step 6: and yours.
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Step 7: Ask your officiant not to introduce you as "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith" during the ceremony.
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Step 8: Make certain that your names appear correctly on the marriage certificate and any other paper with legal ramifications (such as the deed to a home you buy jointly).
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Step 9: Put it in print.
Detailed Guide
However, traditions are not set in stone.
In some countries like Italy or Spain, it is traditional for women to keep their family name, and even when a woman decides to use her husband's surname she can't relinquish her own and will continue to use it in official documents, ID cards, passports etc. for the rest of her life.
You are certainly not alone in your decision.
Women choose to keep their birth names for a variety of reasons:
Women with established careers and women who marry when they're older are less likely to change their names because they've already established a reputation with their birth name and may feel that changing it would challenge the recognition they've already accomplished. (E.g.
- When providing references for work done in the past, a woman who has changed her name would have to ask a potential employer to use her birth name when calling her references, as her old employers or professors will not recognize her by her new last name.
This creates an inconvenience that for some women outweighs the benefits of changing their name.) One's name is part of one's identity, and many women choose to keep their identities independent from their marital status.
Your name is your own, part of your identity and heritage, and you have every right to keep it if you wish. , You can take your husband's name legally but keep your birth name for use professionally and socially (not including family events).
Whether or not you change your name legally, you can still go by your married name among family.
Unless they're checking ID at the family BBQ, they will probably never know the difference.
But just in case, let your family know that you are maintaining your birth name at work for privacy purposes and if they ever hear you addressed with your birth name with regards to you they should just play along.
You can also take your husband's name as a middle name, or keep your birth name as a middle name.
Swaminathan Aiyer, a famous Indian writer, adopted his wife's maiden name as his middle name to maintain a sense of gender equality even when she adopted his last name.
If the issue is over equality, this is a viable option.
When both couples add each other's surname, in hyphenation, any children will be better identified as belonging to each parent, instead of only to the father. , Any disagreement about this decision should be resolved before you walk down the aisle.
Also, discuss the possibility of children at this stage, as you and your new husband or husband-to-be will also need to decide what surname you will give to your children (people will probably ask). , You may find that they are supportive of your decision.
If they are more traditional, you may encounter some resistance.
Just keep in mind that you need not justify your decision to anyone.
Hopefully, they will soon respect your plans to keep your full identity. , Instead, ask that both your names be announced.
You may even want to ask your officiant (or even your DJ) to announce to everybody that both you and your husband will continue to be known by your own names.
This is an excellent way to spread the word quickly so that people will know how to address you. , As far as the official paperwork goes, it always takes less effort to keep a name than to change one.
Make sure that any errors get corrected before you sign any document. , For wedding thank-you notes, print or have printed return address labels or envelopes which list the names of both you and your husband.
Sign the cards with both names.
Many people will take this as an opportunity to update their address books.
Seeing your name unchanged in print will help them to know how to address you.
About the Author
Ruth Ryan
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in cooking and beyond.
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