How to Tell the Truth when It Hurts
Ask permission., Choose an appropriate setting., Open with something positive., Prepare the other person., Don’t beat around the bush.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Ask permission.
It’s a good idea to let the other person know you’re interested in having a tough conversation so that they don’t feel blindsided.
Ask if the person is willing to talk to you.
If the person says no, allow him or her to have a bit more time, and then ask again.
Sometimes people need time and space to process that someone has something potentially painful to say.
By asking permission, you set the stage for a more reciprocal conversation.
A good way to phrase this is “I need to talk to you about something that might be hard.
Can you tell me a good time that we can have this conversation?” Or say something like this: “Would it be okay with you if we set some time aside to talk next week? There are a few things that have been on my mind recently that I want to share with you.” -
Step 2: Choose an appropriate setting.
Find a quiet place to talk.
Some less serious truths can be told in public places – telling a friend they have a piece of spinach in their teeth doesn’t need to be a huge production.
But for more heartfelt conversations, it’s best to choose a safe environment where you won’t have to worry about being overheard or making a scene.
A home, spacious park, or quiet café are good choices.
You can even try going for a walk., It’s important to avoid being accusatory or offensive when you start a hard conversation.
Make sure that the other person knows you’re telling the truth because you care.
Introduce the topic with a positive, such as “Peter, you’re one of the most important people in my life, so I feel like I need to tell you…” and then move on to the meat of the conversation.
For situations in which you aren’t as close with the other person, such as in a work environment, choose a positive that is a little more formal.
For example, “Kelly, you have a really great knack for analysis, but I’m concerned…”If you know the person well, you can open with some more personal positives: “Amanda, I’m only telling you this because you’re such an amazing friend and caring person, but…” , It’s also a good idea to make sure the other person knows they’re in for a potentially difficult conversation.
Hopefully you’ve already told them that you have something tough to say, but just to be sure, reiterate your intentions before beginning the conversation.
Let the other person know that this is might be hard for them to hear and that it will be just as hard for you to say, but that you think it’s valuable nonetheless.
This will set the tone for a conversation built on respect and trust.
For example: “I know this is going to be a hard conversation, but I think if we can discuss this it will really strengthen our relationship.”, It’s hard to tell the truth, and you might be tempted to spend the first thirty minutes talking about work or the weather or that smoothie you had for lunch.
The conversation isn’t going to get any easier if you put it off.
Summon up your courage and get down to business.It’s ok to put of the conversation for just a minute so that you can start off by telling someone that they are important to you: “I want to talk to you about this because I care about you so much.” It’s not ok to start off with “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what I heard at work today,” and then transition into a deep, difficult conversation. -
Step 3: Open with something positive.
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Step 4: Prepare the other person.
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Step 5: Don’t beat around the bush.
Detailed Guide
It’s a good idea to let the other person know you’re interested in having a tough conversation so that they don’t feel blindsided.
Ask if the person is willing to talk to you.
If the person says no, allow him or her to have a bit more time, and then ask again.
Sometimes people need time and space to process that someone has something potentially painful to say.
By asking permission, you set the stage for a more reciprocal conversation.
A good way to phrase this is “I need to talk to you about something that might be hard.
Can you tell me a good time that we can have this conversation?” Or say something like this: “Would it be okay with you if we set some time aside to talk next week? There are a few things that have been on my mind recently that I want to share with you.”
Find a quiet place to talk.
Some less serious truths can be told in public places – telling a friend they have a piece of spinach in their teeth doesn’t need to be a huge production.
But for more heartfelt conversations, it’s best to choose a safe environment where you won’t have to worry about being overheard or making a scene.
A home, spacious park, or quiet café are good choices.
You can even try going for a walk., It’s important to avoid being accusatory or offensive when you start a hard conversation.
Make sure that the other person knows you’re telling the truth because you care.
Introduce the topic with a positive, such as “Peter, you’re one of the most important people in my life, so I feel like I need to tell you…” and then move on to the meat of the conversation.
For situations in which you aren’t as close with the other person, such as in a work environment, choose a positive that is a little more formal.
For example, “Kelly, you have a really great knack for analysis, but I’m concerned…”If you know the person well, you can open with some more personal positives: “Amanda, I’m only telling you this because you’re such an amazing friend and caring person, but…” , It’s also a good idea to make sure the other person knows they’re in for a potentially difficult conversation.
Hopefully you’ve already told them that you have something tough to say, but just to be sure, reiterate your intentions before beginning the conversation.
Let the other person know that this is might be hard for them to hear and that it will be just as hard for you to say, but that you think it’s valuable nonetheless.
This will set the tone for a conversation built on respect and trust.
For example: “I know this is going to be a hard conversation, but I think if we can discuss this it will really strengthen our relationship.”, It’s hard to tell the truth, and you might be tempted to spend the first thirty minutes talking about work or the weather or that smoothie you had for lunch.
The conversation isn’t going to get any easier if you put it off.
Summon up your courage and get down to business.It’s ok to put of the conversation for just a minute so that you can start off by telling someone that they are important to you: “I want to talk to you about this because I care about you so much.” It’s not ok to start off with “Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe what I heard at work today,” and then transition into a deep, difficult conversation.
About the Author
Angela Hamilton
Writer and educator with a focus on practical lifestyle knowledge.
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