How to Win a Gotcha War
Learn to identify when you're being drawn into a Gotcha War., If you're in an "argument" that drifts from whether something is correct to whether someone is correct, it's probably not a legitimate argument but a "Gotcha War".Much that is said about...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Learn to identify when you're being drawn into a Gotcha War.
You might not be sure what is happening, but you know you're getting more and more emotional and a bit crazed.
Or you might find yourself trying to say "No" when the other person only wants to hear a "Yes" and you're beginning to feel uncertain that your insistence is correct.
Such an argument usually occurs when someone wants you to do something you don't want to do.
A large part of the problem is that the person arguing with you plays on your shortcomings and enlarges them; while you're well aware that they're exaggerating things all out of proportion, there is just enough truth in what they're saying to make you feel defensive and want to retaliate because you hate feeling persecuted like this, or being made out to look like a fool.
You'll know that you're entrenched in a Gotcha War when you feel uncertain about being right (even though you were right) and guilty or angry wrong for responding in the way that you did.
The following illustration details the progression of a Gotcha War: -
Step 2: If you're in an "argument" that drifts from whether something is correct to whether someone is correct
In a real argument, you can win even if you "lose" or aren't sure who won because you each understand one another's positions and the world better afterwards.
In a Gotcha War, you can lose even if you "win" because you'd just prove you're better at using harassment and manipulation which you probably didn't even cleverly develop yourself.
The other person will usually find out, and you will reduce the overall level of trust that lets you and others work together smoothly and productively.
There's no shame in simply extricating yourself from a Gotcha War or avoiding a situation that's heading toward one. , Examples of common situations where you may feel pressured include:
A teen wants you to permit some behavior you don't want to permit such as buying beer for a party of his underage friends.
A date or friend wants you to drink more than you want to drink.
A mate wants you to spend money you think is sensible.
An addict wants you to support his or her habit. , As soon as you realize you're being drawn into a Gotcha War, stop trying to convince the other person you're in the right.
It may feel as if you're denying yourself the chance to set things straight, but bear with it; withdrawing to minimal responses is the best approach.
Read How to take a feeling temperature for how to check your feelings.
It's important to calm yourself, soothe your feelings, and to avoid being wound up any further.
Realize that this is about them not about you.
They need to let off steam; you just happen to be the current target who needs to remain stalwart.
Stay calm and polite throughout the remainder of the encounter. , You want to be both strong and relaxed.
Keep your shoulders pulled down.
Do not make fists.
Keep your face calm by making sure you don't pull your eyebrows together; keep your eyes open wide, your teeth unclenched, and your jaw relaxed. , Soften your facial features and look at the other person as if to say "I know where this is headed and I'm not falling for it but I respect your need to vent." In other words, look as compassionate as you can
- bemused, surprised, tolerant are words to keep in mind.
The following responses are minimal responses:
Nodding your head.
If the other person has come back at you for the way you're now looking at them, shake your head briefly and appear even more compassionate.
Shrugging your shoulders.
This indicates letting go of the challenge they're presenting to you.
Saying "huhuh" or "mmmmmm." These are suitable non-confrontational, non-confirming replies to aggressive questions.
Informing them: "I hear what you are saying."
If asked a direct question, continue to make minimal responses.
For example, "Can I go to the party?" could be responded to with either: "Yes" if you agree. "No" if you don't agree.
If a simple "Yes" or "No" isn't working, try "You want me to do (fill in) ___ but I can't/won't." As a general rule, it's best to presume good faith: unless you're sure you're being asked a question just to harass or pressure you or out of aimless rambling, provide a brief and non-confrontational but meaningful reason.
The other person may be genuinely confused in addition to being upset.
You won't help the situation by being abrupt,but it's often best to cut off discussion and leave a deteriorating situation before it gets worse.
For instance, if your friend over-drinks, and wants you to join because, as you gather, he thinks you'll enjoy it too, you might say "Thanks, but I prefer the feeling of having had just a little".
Then, if he persists, firmly refuse to participate or leave. , There are several things that may happen:
If the person is running out of steam, that's a sign the war is ending.
Either remain quiet and let them have the last word or ask: "Is there something else you need from me?" If the other person is heating up and getting angrier, suggest a time out to think things over. , When the war is obviously over, do not refer to it again.
It's over and done with.
And they'll have learned that you won't allow yourself to be wound up in this manner again. -
Step 3: it's probably not a legitimate argument but a "Gotcha War".Much that is said about "winning" an argument without regard to truth is really about how to "win" a Gotcha War.
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Step 4: Know who is most likely to draw you into a Gotcha War and for what sorts of reasons.
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Step 5: Put a stop to the argument.
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Step 6: Be aware of your posture and body language.
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Step 7: Respond as little as possible to anything the other person says.
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Step 8: Maintain the minimal response approach.
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Step 9: Wait for the conclusion.
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Step 10: Let go of it.
Detailed Guide
You might not be sure what is happening, but you know you're getting more and more emotional and a bit crazed.
Or you might find yourself trying to say "No" when the other person only wants to hear a "Yes" and you're beginning to feel uncertain that your insistence is correct.
Such an argument usually occurs when someone wants you to do something you don't want to do.
A large part of the problem is that the person arguing with you plays on your shortcomings and enlarges them; while you're well aware that they're exaggerating things all out of proportion, there is just enough truth in what they're saying to make you feel defensive and want to retaliate because you hate feeling persecuted like this, or being made out to look like a fool.
You'll know that you're entrenched in a Gotcha War when you feel uncertain about being right (even though you were right) and guilty or angry wrong for responding in the way that you did.
The following illustration details the progression of a Gotcha War:
In a real argument, you can win even if you "lose" or aren't sure who won because you each understand one another's positions and the world better afterwards.
In a Gotcha War, you can lose even if you "win" because you'd just prove you're better at using harassment and manipulation which you probably didn't even cleverly develop yourself.
The other person will usually find out, and you will reduce the overall level of trust that lets you and others work together smoothly and productively.
There's no shame in simply extricating yourself from a Gotcha War or avoiding a situation that's heading toward one. , Examples of common situations where you may feel pressured include:
A teen wants you to permit some behavior you don't want to permit such as buying beer for a party of his underage friends.
A date or friend wants you to drink more than you want to drink.
A mate wants you to spend money you think is sensible.
An addict wants you to support his or her habit. , As soon as you realize you're being drawn into a Gotcha War, stop trying to convince the other person you're in the right.
It may feel as if you're denying yourself the chance to set things straight, but bear with it; withdrawing to minimal responses is the best approach.
Read How to take a feeling temperature for how to check your feelings.
It's important to calm yourself, soothe your feelings, and to avoid being wound up any further.
Realize that this is about them not about you.
They need to let off steam; you just happen to be the current target who needs to remain stalwart.
Stay calm and polite throughout the remainder of the encounter. , You want to be both strong and relaxed.
Keep your shoulders pulled down.
Do not make fists.
Keep your face calm by making sure you don't pull your eyebrows together; keep your eyes open wide, your teeth unclenched, and your jaw relaxed. , Soften your facial features and look at the other person as if to say "I know where this is headed and I'm not falling for it but I respect your need to vent." In other words, look as compassionate as you can
- bemused, surprised, tolerant are words to keep in mind.
The following responses are minimal responses:
Nodding your head.
If the other person has come back at you for the way you're now looking at them, shake your head briefly and appear even more compassionate.
Shrugging your shoulders.
This indicates letting go of the challenge they're presenting to you.
Saying "huhuh" or "mmmmmm." These are suitable non-confrontational, non-confirming replies to aggressive questions.
Informing them: "I hear what you are saying."
If asked a direct question, continue to make minimal responses.
For example, "Can I go to the party?" could be responded to with either: "Yes" if you agree. "No" if you don't agree.
If a simple "Yes" or "No" isn't working, try "You want me to do (fill in) ___ but I can't/won't." As a general rule, it's best to presume good faith: unless you're sure you're being asked a question just to harass or pressure you or out of aimless rambling, provide a brief and non-confrontational but meaningful reason.
The other person may be genuinely confused in addition to being upset.
You won't help the situation by being abrupt,but it's often best to cut off discussion and leave a deteriorating situation before it gets worse.
For instance, if your friend over-drinks, and wants you to join because, as you gather, he thinks you'll enjoy it too, you might say "Thanks, but I prefer the feeling of having had just a little".
Then, if he persists, firmly refuse to participate or leave. , There are several things that may happen:
If the person is running out of steam, that's a sign the war is ending.
Either remain quiet and let them have the last word or ask: "Is there something else you need from me?" If the other person is heating up and getting angrier, suggest a time out to think things over. , When the war is obviously over, do not refer to it again.
It's over and done with.
And they'll have learned that you won't allow yourself to be wound up in this manner again.
About the Author
Beverly Powell
Brings years of experience writing about organization and related subjects.
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