How to Keep Relationships With People Who Are Severely Allergic to Your Pet

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Don't wait for your friend to feel hurt or angry that you've grown apart.

   Be the first one to take action: severe allergies are considered a disability under American law, and you can be an ally to your friend by treating the problem as a serious issue of access.
2. 2

   Step 2: Learn more about your friend's allergy.

   Some people get uncomfortable, itchy eyes and skin; others have severe asthma attacks that can send them to the hospital.
   
   Don't assume that allergies aren't real or that your friend can just take a Benadryl before coming over.
   
   Ask your friend if he or she minds talking to you about their allergy and explain that you're trying to understand more about how to change your habits.
   
   Learn about the symptoms, and support your friend in learning more about his or her health by visiting an allergist.
   
   If there's a kind of cleaning or air filtering you can try to make your house accessible to your friend, try it! , How many of their other friends and family have pets? How many people can they visit aside from you? Try to understand how your decision to get a pet will, or did, make your friend's life more restricted, and consider how much she or he relied on your home as a place to hang out and connect with their social scene. , See whether some of your pet-free friends would mind hosting extra dinners, brunches and parties so that your allergic friend can come too.
   
   Talk about whether you can occasionally use other friends' homes as "emergency" places to meet the allergic friend, even if the homeowner isn't there (in cases of breakups, crises, or other times when you or your allergic friend really want to see each other and not in a public place).
   
   You could even consider splitting the cost of "renting" a friend's pet-free living room or spare room for a small amount (someone who needs the cash!), getting a spare key, and using that as a home-away-from-home every so often for you and your allergic friend. , How do they feel? Give the friend a chance to be angry and sad, and take their feelings seriously
   - while you do love your pet, your decision to have it in your home is keeping a beloved human out of your home.
   
   This can be especially sad if you're very close and/or have known each other for a long time.
   
   Don't let them feel like you're just paying lip-service; let them know that their reactions and worries are changing how you approach the situation.
   
   Act on what they say.
   
   Come back with ideas and thoughts on how to adjust.
   
   Ask them for their own ideas. , Do it more often than you would have pre-pet, since no one succeeds in making contact, or making plans, every time they try.
   
   Try to actually talk to your friend and see your friend as much as you did pre-pet, even if it means harassing them a bit (in a friendly way, of course!) Your friend will be much happier if you harass them for hangout time than if they have to harass you.
   
   Let them know you still love and care about them, despite the new obstacle. , Go to the friend's house to make dinner and watch movies.
   
   Hanging out on a couch or in a kitchen can be irreplaceable for close friends, especially friends you've known since you were young.
   
   Sometimes you want to listen to music, work in the same room, do projects or watch TV
   - all very different activities than face-to-face conversation over a meal or drink.
   
   Even though you may still have this type of socializing in your life and may not miss it (with people who aren't allergic to your pet) your friend might find him or herself going to a lot of dinners and coffee dates, and will really appreciate the home time. , Get out of town for the weekend sometimes and get out of your pet-avoiding patterns.
   
   Make an annual tradition of going to a cabin, a nearby city, etc. , If something is off-limits to your friend, consider hanging out with your friend before or after, or even skipping the party.
   
   See if the allergic friend has plans or will be home alone.
   
   If there's nothing you can do, at least you can tell your friend that you're sad they can't be there! , Sometimes they might need to talk to someone, or might just be lonely, especially if there are a lot of people they can't visit.
   
   Talk to your friend about ways to do this
   - maybe a system where you distinguish between making normal plans and more 'urgent' plans.
   
   Or find a place near your house if your friend is in the neighborhood and wants to 'drop by.' If your friend invites you out, make an effort to go. , Close friendships are just as important (if not more!) as dating relationships and family.
   
   Make life plans! Tell your friend if you plan to have pets for the rest of your life, and discuss how that changes the way you envision your friendship.
   
   Did you always talk about raising kids in the same city? Going on family trips? Visiting each other if you have to move apart? Hopefully you can work it out.
   
   Don't leave your friend wondering if you're going to get sick of dealing with the allergy, or too busy. , Unlike many other relationships, friendships are based entirely on unconditional love, trust and support; without those things, the friendship doesn't really exist.
   
   So if you can't provide those things, now or in the future, talk to your friend about it.
   
   It's up to you to make that decision, and it's ok that you really love your pet: just give your friend a chance to make his or her own life decisions in a respectful, timely way.
3. 3

   Step 3: Think about what your friend's life looks like.

4. 4

   Step 4: If you're part of a bigger friend group

5. 5

   Step 5: you can even get together with your other friends - with or without the allergic person - and make a list of animal-free social spaces in your city

6. 6

   Step 6: especially homes.

7. 7

   Step 7: Talk to your allergic friend about your relationship post-pet.

8. 8

   Step 8: Don't forget to call and make plans with your friend.

9. 9

   Step 9: Try to spend some of your time together in homes

10. 10

    Step 10: instead of restaurants

11. 11

    Step 11: bars or cafes.

12. 12

    Step 12: Go on vacations together!

13. 13

    Step 13: Be aware of which events and parties are pet-free

14. 14

    Step 14: and try to make as many accessible to your friend as possible.

15. 15

    Step 15: Give your friend a way to see you easily

16. 16

    Step 16: and to get access to you

17. 17

    Step 17: since remember

18. 18

    Step 18: they can't just drop by anymore.

19. 19

    Step 19: Discuss your future with your friend.

20. 20

    Step 20: If your future together doesn't look promising

21. 21

    Step 21: or you do resent the changes to your life (or your family or partner does)

22. 22

    Step 22: be straightforward about it - there are other potential BFFs out there who don't have pets

23. 23

    Step 23: and your friend might be better off cutting his or her losses and finding other people who will fill his or her life in an easy

24. 24

    Step 24: happy way.

Detailed Guide

About the Author