How to Be Assertive in a Relationship
Start small., Believe your opinions about the relationship are valid., Let go of any residual guilt., Phrase your statements in the right way., Know when it’s okay to stay quiet., Avoid being too emotional.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Start small.
If you are worried about changing too much all at once in your relationship, start small.
Be more assertive about a little bit at a time instead of changing everything overnight.
Doing it that way can be jarring and cause confusion or problems with your partner.
For example, be more vocal about what you want for dinner when you go out.
Don’t always let your partner choose and go along with what they have to say.
Instead, suggest a different type of food that you would like instead in a calm and positive manner. -
Step 2: Believe your opinions about the relationship are valid.
In your romantic relationships, you may avoid being assertive because you think your partner may leave you.
However, this should not create a situation for you where you feel like your opinions do not matter.
Every feeling you have about your relationship is legitimate and your partner should be willing to discuss them with you.
To build up your belief in yourself, expand in all aspects of your life.
When you have an opinion about something or a feeling about a situation, tell yourself that it is valid.
Whether or not you express it at first, tell yourself your thoughts and feelings are valid every time they come up.
Eventually, you will believe they are valid and you will feel more confident expressing them.
When you have concerns or want to express feelings about your relationship, give yourself a pep talk before you do it.
Tell yourself, "My opinion is valid.
If my partner loves me, then my opinion will not change that." If your partner cannot handle you having an opinion or feeling about your relationship, your relationship dynamic needs to be reassessed to put you and your partner on a more level playing field.
Make sure you are not passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive when you discuss your feelings with your partner.
Express what you are feeling in a way that is firm but also positive and not accusatory., If you have spent the majority of your relationship being a people pleaser, you may feel some guilt when you first start asserting yourself.
This is a common reaction to this situation and may cause you a little distress.
However, you need to push through and know that there is no reason to feel guilty about expressing yourself.
If you find it hard at first, try taking a deep breath.
Visualize yourself breathing in peace, calm, and strength and then breathing out guilt, shame, or anxiety.For example, the first time you tell your partner that you don’t like a common activity that you used to do a lot but didn’t like, such as fishing, you may feel residual guilt.
However, the guilt will pass and your opinion on the matter is valid.
Now that you have expressed yourself to your partner, you two can begin doing things you both enjoy and your partner can go fishing with friends or alone. , When you are approaching your partner, make sure you are phrasing your assertive comments in the right way.
You don’t want to come off angry or accusatory; instead, you want to express how you feel and what you think.
For example, instead of telling your partner, “You are selfish and dismissive.”, say “I could really use some help around the house/apartment and with taking care of the dogs.
I’ve tried to tell you in the past but I feel like you are pushing me aside.” This last statement asserts the same point as the first one, but it is much more positive and calm. , Although being assertive means expressing your opinions, it doesn’t mean you never let something go.
Relationships are about compromise, so there may be times when you don’t get exactly what you want.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t assertive, it just means you are taking the feelings of your partner into consideration.
This means that you don't have to be right or express your every thought all the time, especially if the situation is not going to harm or help your relationship either way.
For example, if you and your partner differ in opinion about politics or a sports team, you don't have to make your partner like or identify with the same person or team.
Agree that you have a difference in opinion and don't let it harm your relationship by being angry about it or assertive to the point of arguing.
This is the same you expect of your partner, so it is only fair to do the same.
By being assertive more often, you will learn more about what you want and expect from your partner.
This way, you will know when you are comfortable staying quiet or compromising and when you are not., Romantic relationships are tied up with your emotions.
However, when you are learning to be assertive, try removing yourself somewhat from your emotions.
You don’t want them to make you more aggressive or passive than assertive.
Instead, try to think about your relationship and the situations you encounter with an even mind.
When you feel yourself get too emotional, take a few deep breaths and think about removing your emotions from the situation.
If this doesn't work, take a break from the conversation or wait until you have reined in your emotions before talking to your partner.
This will keep you from saying things you don’t mean or hurting your partner’s feelings. -
Step 3: Let go of any residual guilt.
-
Step 4: Phrase your statements in the right way.
-
Step 5: Know when it’s okay to stay quiet.
-
Step 6: Avoid being too emotional.
Detailed Guide
If you are worried about changing too much all at once in your relationship, start small.
Be more assertive about a little bit at a time instead of changing everything overnight.
Doing it that way can be jarring and cause confusion or problems with your partner.
For example, be more vocal about what you want for dinner when you go out.
Don’t always let your partner choose and go along with what they have to say.
Instead, suggest a different type of food that you would like instead in a calm and positive manner.
In your romantic relationships, you may avoid being assertive because you think your partner may leave you.
However, this should not create a situation for you where you feel like your opinions do not matter.
Every feeling you have about your relationship is legitimate and your partner should be willing to discuss them with you.
To build up your belief in yourself, expand in all aspects of your life.
When you have an opinion about something or a feeling about a situation, tell yourself that it is valid.
Whether or not you express it at first, tell yourself your thoughts and feelings are valid every time they come up.
Eventually, you will believe they are valid and you will feel more confident expressing them.
When you have concerns or want to express feelings about your relationship, give yourself a pep talk before you do it.
Tell yourself, "My opinion is valid.
If my partner loves me, then my opinion will not change that." If your partner cannot handle you having an opinion or feeling about your relationship, your relationship dynamic needs to be reassessed to put you and your partner on a more level playing field.
Make sure you are not passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive when you discuss your feelings with your partner.
Express what you are feeling in a way that is firm but also positive and not accusatory., If you have spent the majority of your relationship being a people pleaser, you may feel some guilt when you first start asserting yourself.
This is a common reaction to this situation and may cause you a little distress.
However, you need to push through and know that there is no reason to feel guilty about expressing yourself.
If you find it hard at first, try taking a deep breath.
Visualize yourself breathing in peace, calm, and strength and then breathing out guilt, shame, or anxiety.For example, the first time you tell your partner that you don’t like a common activity that you used to do a lot but didn’t like, such as fishing, you may feel residual guilt.
However, the guilt will pass and your opinion on the matter is valid.
Now that you have expressed yourself to your partner, you two can begin doing things you both enjoy and your partner can go fishing with friends or alone. , When you are approaching your partner, make sure you are phrasing your assertive comments in the right way.
You don’t want to come off angry or accusatory; instead, you want to express how you feel and what you think.
For example, instead of telling your partner, “You are selfish and dismissive.”, say “I could really use some help around the house/apartment and with taking care of the dogs.
I’ve tried to tell you in the past but I feel like you are pushing me aside.” This last statement asserts the same point as the first one, but it is much more positive and calm. , Although being assertive means expressing your opinions, it doesn’t mean you never let something go.
Relationships are about compromise, so there may be times when you don’t get exactly what you want.
This doesn’t mean you aren’t assertive, it just means you are taking the feelings of your partner into consideration.
This means that you don't have to be right or express your every thought all the time, especially if the situation is not going to harm or help your relationship either way.
For example, if you and your partner differ in opinion about politics or a sports team, you don't have to make your partner like or identify with the same person or team.
Agree that you have a difference in opinion and don't let it harm your relationship by being angry about it or assertive to the point of arguing.
This is the same you expect of your partner, so it is only fair to do the same.
By being assertive more often, you will learn more about what you want and expect from your partner.
This way, you will know when you are comfortable staying quiet or compromising and when you are not., Romantic relationships are tied up with your emotions.
However, when you are learning to be assertive, try removing yourself somewhat from your emotions.
You don’t want them to make you more aggressive or passive than assertive.
Instead, try to think about your relationship and the situations you encounter with an even mind.
When you feel yourself get too emotional, take a few deep breaths and think about removing your emotions from the situation.
If this doesn't work, take a break from the conversation or wait until you have reined in your emotions before talking to your partner.
This will keep you from saying things you don’t mean or hurting your partner’s feelings.
About the Author
Lauren Gonzales
Professional writer focused on creating easy-to-follow crafts tutorials.
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