How to Begin a Marriage As a New Stepmother
Make a plan for how you'd like things to be., Discuss this plan with your new husband and come to joint arrangements on how the two of you expect things to play out., Talk with the family., Trial-run new routines., Always be an active listener and...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Make a plan for how you'd like things to be.
Write this down on paper and list your own wants, needs, and goals.
Consider which of these might coincide with how things are already running in the family you have married into, and those things that will be completely novel for them.
Know which items are non-negotiable, either for you or your husband, and where there is more flexibility. -
Step 2: Discuss this plan with your new husband and come to joint arrangements on how the two of you expect things to play out.
At all times, show a united front; don't create the good cop, bad cop routine as this is unfair to both parents, and creates schisms in the family.
It is also important to discuss discipline and the beliefs surrounding this, as well as how the step-parent will handle particular situations in which the biological parent may be seen as the more appropriate discipline giver. , Depending on the ages of the children, there will need to be different approaches taken.
Talk to teens as if they were young adults and ask them what they expect; respect their wishes to the extent that these can be accommodated and consider ways that everyone can compromise where their wishes clash with yours.
For younger kids, it is also important to let them talk about what they'd like to happen and to see how some of their wishes can be included in the future arrangements.
In both cases, it is important to listen for things that are not being said, as much as for the things that are said. , Let everyone know the importance of assuming new routines as quickly as possible but also explain that there is a great deal of flexibility in suggested routines until everyone feels settled into the new family.
This permits changes of direction as needed and reduces the potential for conflict when children realize that if a suggestion doesn't work, it is not set in concrete unless it is an issue of personal safety or health. , Being there for the kids will impress them from the moment they get to know you; they will feel happier and more comfortable around you, and come to you.
With teens, don't try to act smarter than they are, or know-all, or even too friendly – just be a friend, a listener, and don't judge them. , If you married into a new family with the hope that the children might just "go away"
then you married for the wrong reasons.
Your husband's first responsibility is to his children, and his second is to you.
If your new marriage responsibilities mean new children, you have no choice but to make the most of the situation.
If the children sense your reticence, this will create a lot of resentfulness and challenges for you. , First and foremost, remember that you are not the mother of these children
- no matter how much you, your husband or the children might wish it were so.
Things will go much smoother and easier for all of you if you keep in mind that you will need (at least in the beginning) to walk a fine line between being the kind, caring and loving parental figure, and a good and trusted friend.
If you attempt to be too motherly, the children may perceive that you are attempting to "replace" their mother, and this may engender hostility or resentment toward you. , If you are the stepmother, it is wisest to allow your husband to discipline his own children.
You are free to tell the kids that any behaviors that need addressing will be discussed with their father, and then to do so.
Sometimes, (especially) older kids and teens will push envelopes, either consciously or subconsciously.
In those cases, you'll have to decide whether to take it up with their father or not.
Whether you do or not, insist that your husband be the one to mete out punishments and or rewards
- if he does it, the children will not hold it against him.
If you do it, you risk being seen as the harpy who stole their father from them.
His children are ultimately his responsibility.
Don't get between your husband and his kids. , This will always win over kids' hearts. , If you have children of your own coming into the marriage, be sure to treat all the children fairly and as evenly as you can.
Talk to your own children in advance about the importance of fitting in to the new family and extol the benefits of their being a part of this new family.
Don't threaten them and don't deny them access to their real father unless there are valid legal reasons for doing so.
Remember that if one set of children visits, rather than living with you, make them feel as much at home as possible without favoring them overly.
But do make sure they feel welcome, no matter what.
Making the visitors feel like intruders is a sure way to set them against the children who live with you, and/or against you or your husband, or both. -
Step 3: Talk with the family.
-
Step 4: Trial-run new routines.
-
Step 5: Always be an active listener and be available to talk.
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Step 6: Avoid giving off the impression that you don't want to mother the new children.
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Step 7: Avoid being too motherly.
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Step 8: Avoid being the disciplinarian.
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Step 9: Show your love openly for their father.
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Step 10: Be compassionate and fair.
Detailed Guide
Write this down on paper and list your own wants, needs, and goals.
Consider which of these might coincide with how things are already running in the family you have married into, and those things that will be completely novel for them.
Know which items are non-negotiable, either for you or your husband, and where there is more flexibility.
At all times, show a united front; don't create the good cop, bad cop routine as this is unfair to both parents, and creates schisms in the family.
It is also important to discuss discipline and the beliefs surrounding this, as well as how the step-parent will handle particular situations in which the biological parent may be seen as the more appropriate discipline giver. , Depending on the ages of the children, there will need to be different approaches taken.
Talk to teens as if they were young adults and ask them what they expect; respect their wishes to the extent that these can be accommodated and consider ways that everyone can compromise where their wishes clash with yours.
For younger kids, it is also important to let them talk about what they'd like to happen and to see how some of their wishes can be included in the future arrangements.
In both cases, it is important to listen for things that are not being said, as much as for the things that are said. , Let everyone know the importance of assuming new routines as quickly as possible but also explain that there is a great deal of flexibility in suggested routines until everyone feels settled into the new family.
This permits changes of direction as needed and reduces the potential for conflict when children realize that if a suggestion doesn't work, it is not set in concrete unless it is an issue of personal safety or health. , Being there for the kids will impress them from the moment they get to know you; they will feel happier and more comfortable around you, and come to you.
With teens, don't try to act smarter than they are, or know-all, or even too friendly – just be a friend, a listener, and don't judge them. , If you married into a new family with the hope that the children might just "go away"
then you married for the wrong reasons.
Your husband's first responsibility is to his children, and his second is to you.
If your new marriage responsibilities mean new children, you have no choice but to make the most of the situation.
If the children sense your reticence, this will create a lot of resentfulness and challenges for you. , First and foremost, remember that you are not the mother of these children
- no matter how much you, your husband or the children might wish it were so.
Things will go much smoother and easier for all of you if you keep in mind that you will need (at least in the beginning) to walk a fine line between being the kind, caring and loving parental figure, and a good and trusted friend.
If you attempt to be too motherly, the children may perceive that you are attempting to "replace" their mother, and this may engender hostility or resentment toward you. , If you are the stepmother, it is wisest to allow your husband to discipline his own children.
You are free to tell the kids that any behaviors that need addressing will be discussed with their father, and then to do so.
Sometimes, (especially) older kids and teens will push envelopes, either consciously or subconsciously.
In those cases, you'll have to decide whether to take it up with their father or not.
Whether you do or not, insist that your husband be the one to mete out punishments and or rewards
- if he does it, the children will not hold it against him.
If you do it, you risk being seen as the harpy who stole their father from them.
His children are ultimately his responsibility.
Don't get between your husband and his kids. , This will always win over kids' hearts. , If you have children of your own coming into the marriage, be sure to treat all the children fairly and as evenly as you can.
Talk to your own children in advance about the importance of fitting in to the new family and extol the benefits of their being a part of this new family.
Don't threaten them and don't deny them access to their real father unless there are valid legal reasons for doing so.
Remember that if one set of children visits, rather than living with you, make them feel as much at home as possible without favoring them overly.
But do make sure they feel welcome, no matter what.
Making the visitors feel like intruders is a sure way to set them against the children who live with you, and/or against you or your husband, or both.
About the Author
Ann Burns
Specializes in breaking down complex cooking topics into simple steps.
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