How to Communicate Better in a Relationship
Learn to say what you mean., Use "I" or "me" statements., Keep as calm as you can., Maintain positive body language., Project your ideas with confidence., Have a game plan before you begin.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Learn to say what you mean.
We've heard the jokes about intent versus actual dialogue
-- when she says "this" she really means that
-- or, "what he's really trying to tell you is..." Those jokes are funny because of how often they're true.
Sometimes we expect our partner to understand our hidden meanings, but wishing or relying on this isn't fair or effective.
Instead, lay out your thoughts directly.When you make your case, provide concrete examples of what you mean so your words make more sense.
Don't just say, "I feel like you haven't done your share around the house..." Instead, say, "I've had to do the dishes every night for the last two weeks..." Speak slowly enough for your partner to understand you.
Don't just blurt out all of your angry feelings or he or she won't be able to follow your logic.
Remember that there's no prize for speaking for as long as you can.
Hit all of the key points you want to hit, but don't just keep talking and talking until your partner is overwhelmed.
Directly laying out your thoughts eliminates resentment and confusion about your motives.
Instead of offering alternatives to your boyfriend's plans to bring you to a party, tell him the truth: that you just don't want to face all those people after a tough week at work, followed by, "I'm sorry to say that I'm just not in a party mood tonight." -
Step 2: Use "I" or "me" statements.
Don't start an argument off by accusing your partner of making a mistake.
If you say, "You always..." or "You never..." then your partner's guard will be up and he'll be less likely to listen to your perspective.
Instead, say something like, "I've noticed that..." or "Lately, I've been feeling like..." Making the discussion centered around your feelings will make your partner feel less like he's being castigated and more like he's part of a productive discussion.
Even saying, "Lately, I've been feeling a little neglected" sounds more conciliatory than "You've been neglecting me." Though you'll be essentially saying the same thing through the "I" statements, this soft-blow delivery will make your partner less defensive and more likely to communicate openly. , Though you may not be able to be as cool as a cucumber when you and your partner are in the middle of a heated discussion, the calmer you are, the more easily you will be able to express your feelings.
So, if you're feeling furious in the middle of a conversation, or even livid before you bring up the issue, take a breather until you feel calm enough to start a productive discussion.
Speak in a slow, even tone to articulate your ideas.
Don't talk over your partner.
This will only make you more angry.
Take deep breaths.
Don't get hysterical in the middle of an argument. , Having positive body language can help set a positive tone to the discussion.
Look your partner in the eyes and turn your body to him.
You can use your arms to gesture, but don't move them so wildly that you start getting out of control.
Don't cross your arms over your chest or your partner will feel that you are already closed off to what he has to say.
Don't fidget with the objects around you, unless this helps you get out some nervous energy. , This doesn't mean that you should walk into the discussion like you're going into a business meeting.
Don't march into the room, shake your partner's hand, and make your case.
Instead, project confidence by acting as comfortable as you can with the situation.
Smile from time to time, speak carefully, and don't hesitate, ask too many questions, or sound uncertain of what you have to say.
If your partner doubts your commitment to your feelings, he won't take you as seriously.
The more confident you are, the less likely you are to get scared off or to be frazzled.
This will help you state your ideas. , This is an incredibly important point.
Don't just jump into an argument when you least expect it, and start telling your partner the fifteen things he or she has been doing wrong.
Even if you're upset or hurt for a variety of reasons, it's important to focus on the main point you want to make, and to think about what result you want to achieve from the conversation; if your only goal is to make your partner feel bad about what he or she has done, then you should give it more thought before you begin.
Part of the plan should be when to have the discussion.
Bringing up a rational argument in an inopportune time, such as at a family picnic or in the middle of an important sporting event on TV, can make your entire point null and void.
Think about what specific examples you'll use to state your case.
Let's say you want your partner to be a better listener.
Can you think of two or three times when he didn't listen and it really hurt you? Don't overwhelm him or her with negative criticism, but use concrete evidence to get the attention you need.
Remember what your goal is
-- is it to show your partner why you're been hurt, to bring up an important conflict and find a compromise that will make you both happy, or to discuss how you can deal with stress as a couple.
Keeping your goal in the back of your mind will keep you on track. -
Step 3: Keep as calm as you can.
-
Step 4: Maintain positive body language.
-
Step 5: Project your ideas with confidence.
-
Step 6: Have a game plan before you begin.
Detailed Guide
We've heard the jokes about intent versus actual dialogue
-- when she says "this" she really means that
-- or, "what he's really trying to tell you is..." Those jokes are funny because of how often they're true.
Sometimes we expect our partner to understand our hidden meanings, but wishing or relying on this isn't fair or effective.
Instead, lay out your thoughts directly.When you make your case, provide concrete examples of what you mean so your words make more sense.
Don't just say, "I feel like you haven't done your share around the house..." Instead, say, "I've had to do the dishes every night for the last two weeks..." Speak slowly enough for your partner to understand you.
Don't just blurt out all of your angry feelings or he or she won't be able to follow your logic.
Remember that there's no prize for speaking for as long as you can.
Hit all of the key points you want to hit, but don't just keep talking and talking until your partner is overwhelmed.
Directly laying out your thoughts eliminates resentment and confusion about your motives.
Instead of offering alternatives to your boyfriend's plans to bring you to a party, tell him the truth: that you just don't want to face all those people after a tough week at work, followed by, "I'm sorry to say that I'm just not in a party mood tonight."
Don't start an argument off by accusing your partner of making a mistake.
If you say, "You always..." or "You never..." then your partner's guard will be up and he'll be less likely to listen to your perspective.
Instead, say something like, "I've noticed that..." or "Lately, I've been feeling like..." Making the discussion centered around your feelings will make your partner feel less like he's being castigated and more like he's part of a productive discussion.
Even saying, "Lately, I've been feeling a little neglected" sounds more conciliatory than "You've been neglecting me." Though you'll be essentially saying the same thing through the "I" statements, this soft-blow delivery will make your partner less defensive and more likely to communicate openly. , Though you may not be able to be as cool as a cucumber when you and your partner are in the middle of a heated discussion, the calmer you are, the more easily you will be able to express your feelings.
So, if you're feeling furious in the middle of a conversation, or even livid before you bring up the issue, take a breather until you feel calm enough to start a productive discussion.
Speak in a slow, even tone to articulate your ideas.
Don't talk over your partner.
This will only make you more angry.
Take deep breaths.
Don't get hysterical in the middle of an argument. , Having positive body language can help set a positive tone to the discussion.
Look your partner in the eyes and turn your body to him.
You can use your arms to gesture, but don't move them so wildly that you start getting out of control.
Don't cross your arms over your chest or your partner will feel that you are already closed off to what he has to say.
Don't fidget with the objects around you, unless this helps you get out some nervous energy. , This doesn't mean that you should walk into the discussion like you're going into a business meeting.
Don't march into the room, shake your partner's hand, and make your case.
Instead, project confidence by acting as comfortable as you can with the situation.
Smile from time to time, speak carefully, and don't hesitate, ask too many questions, or sound uncertain of what you have to say.
If your partner doubts your commitment to your feelings, he won't take you as seriously.
The more confident you are, the less likely you are to get scared off or to be frazzled.
This will help you state your ideas. , This is an incredibly important point.
Don't just jump into an argument when you least expect it, and start telling your partner the fifteen things he or she has been doing wrong.
Even if you're upset or hurt for a variety of reasons, it's important to focus on the main point you want to make, and to think about what result you want to achieve from the conversation; if your only goal is to make your partner feel bad about what he or she has done, then you should give it more thought before you begin.
Part of the plan should be when to have the discussion.
Bringing up a rational argument in an inopportune time, such as at a family picnic or in the middle of an important sporting event on TV, can make your entire point null and void.
Think about what specific examples you'll use to state your case.
Let's say you want your partner to be a better listener.
Can you think of two or three times when he didn't listen and it really hurt you? Don't overwhelm him or her with negative criticism, but use concrete evidence to get the attention you need.
Remember what your goal is
-- is it to show your partner why you're been hurt, to bring up an important conflict and find a compromise that will make you both happy, or to discuss how you can deal with stress as a couple.
Keeping your goal in the back of your mind will keep you on track.
About the Author
Sara Diaz
Brings years of experience writing about crafts and related subjects.
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