How to Communicate to Save Your Marriage
Have compassion for your spouse's point of view., Hear your spouse out., Temper your reactions., Try mirroring., Give your partner the benefit of the doubt., Make eye contact and touch each other., Initiate intimacy.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Have compassion for your spouse's point of view.
When you're feeling angry, isolated, or worn out, it can be difficult to see beyond your own problems.
Your needs aren't being met. you feel you're giving more than you're getting, and you're at the end of your rope.
But what about your spouse? How does he or she feel? As difficult as can be to wrench your mind from your problems to someone else's, this step is essential for better communication.
If it's hard to know how your spouse is feeling, ask yourself how you'd feel if you were him or her.
How would you feel if you had your spouse's difficult work demands? How would you feel if your commute took 2 hours a day? For every obstacle your spouse is dealing with, ask yourself how it would make you feel.
Look at how your own behavior affects your partner.
Is it possible that your behaviors are affecting your partner in a negative way? Every time you feel the urge to make a critical remark, put yourself in his or her shoes first.
For example, when you give him or her the cold shoulder, think about what it would be like if your spouse ignored you when you walked in the door. -
Step 2: Hear your spouse out.
Communication is as much about listening as it is about expressing yourself.
When your spouse tries to explain something to you, do you listen? Listening means really hearing what someone's saying and doing your best to understand his or her point of view.
In doing this, you can take the conversation to a deeper, more intimate and honest level.
If your mind is running a mile a minute while your spouse is talking, and you're thinking up retorts before he or she finishes talking, you aren't really listening.
Put your own feelings aside while your partner is talking.
Use encouraging body language to help your partner feel heard.
Face him or her and have a pleasant open expression.
Don't frown or act bored.
You might be doing this without even realizing the effect you're having. , Try to take the time to think before you speak.
Think about the consequences of what you're about to say.
Think about how to frame your words so that they are clear and honest, but not hurtful.
Lashing out, interrupting, leaving the room, and shutting down are all unproductive reactions that will cut off communication instead of fostering it. , Sometimes people have difficulty completely understanding what their partner is trying to get across.
It's easy to misinterpret someone's words and end up feeling angry or hurt, and in the meantime your partner is baffled at your response.
Mirroring is a practice that can help resolve this issue.
After your spouse tells you how he or she feels, repeat your interpretation of what he or she said.
Your partner should then acknowledge that that's what he or she meant.
Have your partner mirror you as well.
This will help you understand each other's communication styles better.
If one partner says, "I feel left out when you go out on Fridays and leave me to stay home by myself." The mirror response would be, "What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely when I go out with my buddies on Fridays.
I can understand how that would feel." If one partner says, "You always say something critical when I try something new." The mirror response would be, "I hear you saying that I can be overly critical.
I can understand how that would make you feel hesitant to try new things."
This is the person you married.
Trust, honesty, and good intentions are the foundation of your relationship.
Believe your partner when he or she tells you something, even if it's hard to swallow.
Believing someone else's words helps that person feel heard, respected and loved.
Believe in your partner's feelings and emotions.
Believe in his or her decisions.
Respect his or her way of doing things, from handling problems at work to putting the kids to bed to cleaning the bathroom and making the bed.
If dishonesty has crept into your relationship, if you disagree with your partner on a fundamental level, or if you have good reason not to give him or her the benefit of the doubt, there are deep problems at hand.
Seek marriage counseling so that you have the right tools for rebuilding trust. , When your partner confides in you, look into his or her eyes.
Move closer to him or her on the sofa.
These physical expressions of intimacy will help your spouse feel more comfortable talking.
Anger and disrespect are less likely to take hold of the conversation when you're feeling physically close.
You can communicate without speaking, too.
Pull your spouse closer for a hug, or rest your feet on his or her lap.
Not everything has to be spoken aloud. , Having regular sex can help you and your partner feel close and compatible again.
It will help you release tension and remember your love for one another.
If you've been having communication problems, it might be hard to make the move.
You might be afraid you'll be rejected.
But if you don't give it a try, you'll drift further and further apart.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
Make your partner feel safe and cared for.
Don't bring up problems or pick fights when you're lying in bed together.
That's your time to connect on a level that's deeper than life's daily annoyances or long-term obstacles.
Protect that time. -
Step 3: Temper your reactions.
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Step 4: Try mirroring.
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Step 5: Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
-
Step 6: Make eye contact and touch each other.
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Step 7: Initiate intimacy.
Detailed Guide
When you're feeling angry, isolated, or worn out, it can be difficult to see beyond your own problems.
Your needs aren't being met. you feel you're giving more than you're getting, and you're at the end of your rope.
But what about your spouse? How does he or she feel? As difficult as can be to wrench your mind from your problems to someone else's, this step is essential for better communication.
If it's hard to know how your spouse is feeling, ask yourself how you'd feel if you were him or her.
How would you feel if you had your spouse's difficult work demands? How would you feel if your commute took 2 hours a day? For every obstacle your spouse is dealing with, ask yourself how it would make you feel.
Look at how your own behavior affects your partner.
Is it possible that your behaviors are affecting your partner in a negative way? Every time you feel the urge to make a critical remark, put yourself in his or her shoes first.
For example, when you give him or her the cold shoulder, think about what it would be like if your spouse ignored you when you walked in the door.
Communication is as much about listening as it is about expressing yourself.
When your spouse tries to explain something to you, do you listen? Listening means really hearing what someone's saying and doing your best to understand his or her point of view.
In doing this, you can take the conversation to a deeper, more intimate and honest level.
If your mind is running a mile a minute while your spouse is talking, and you're thinking up retorts before he or she finishes talking, you aren't really listening.
Put your own feelings aside while your partner is talking.
Use encouraging body language to help your partner feel heard.
Face him or her and have a pleasant open expression.
Don't frown or act bored.
You might be doing this without even realizing the effect you're having. , Try to take the time to think before you speak.
Think about the consequences of what you're about to say.
Think about how to frame your words so that they are clear and honest, but not hurtful.
Lashing out, interrupting, leaving the room, and shutting down are all unproductive reactions that will cut off communication instead of fostering it. , Sometimes people have difficulty completely understanding what their partner is trying to get across.
It's easy to misinterpret someone's words and end up feeling angry or hurt, and in the meantime your partner is baffled at your response.
Mirroring is a practice that can help resolve this issue.
After your spouse tells you how he or she feels, repeat your interpretation of what he or she said.
Your partner should then acknowledge that that's what he or she meant.
Have your partner mirror you as well.
This will help you understand each other's communication styles better.
If one partner says, "I feel left out when you go out on Fridays and leave me to stay home by myself." The mirror response would be, "What I hear you saying is that you feel lonely when I go out with my buddies on Fridays.
I can understand how that would feel." If one partner says, "You always say something critical when I try something new." The mirror response would be, "I hear you saying that I can be overly critical.
I can understand how that would make you feel hesitant to try new things."
This is the person you married.
Trust, honesty, and good intentions are the foundation of your relationship.
Believe your partner when he or she tells you something, even if it's hard to swallow.
Believing someone else's words helps that person feel heard, respected and loved.
Believe in your partner's feelings and emotions.
Believe in his or her decisions.
Respect his or her way of doing things, from handling problems at work to putting the kids to bed to cleaning the bathroom and making the bed.
If dishonesty has crept into your relationship, if you disagree with your partner on a fundamental level, or if you have good reason not to give him or her the benefit of the doubt, there are deep problems at hand.
Seek marriage counseling so that you have the right tools for rebuilding trust. , When your partner confides in you, look into his or her eyes.
Move closer to him or her on the sofa.
These physical expressions of intimacy will help your spouse feel more comfortable talking.
Anger and disrespect are less likely to take hold of the conversation when you're feeling physically close.
You can communicate without speaking, too.
Pull your spouse closer for a hug, or rest your feet on his or her lap.
Not everything has to be spoken aloud. , Having regular sex can help you and your partner feel close and compatible again.
It will help you release tension and remember your love for one another.
If you've been having communication problems, it might be hard to make the move.
You might be afraid you'll be rejected.
But if you don't give it a try, you'll drift further and further apart.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
Make your partner feel safe and cared for.
Don't bring up problems or pick fights when you're lying in bed together.
That's your time to connect on a level that's deeper than life's daily annoyances or long-term obstacles.
Protect that time.
About the Author
Brian Shaw
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in organization and beyond.
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