How to Control Anger in a Relationship
Think before speaking., Use deep breathing., Repeat a calming phrase.If you’re having a hard time with your anger, use a word or phrase to remind yourself to keep your composure., Express your feelings calmly., Call a timeout., Be aware of your...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Think before speaking.
While it may feel easy and gratifying to let your anger out, think before saying your words.
Collect your thoughts before speaking in order to prevent yourself from saying something you may regret or that may hurt your partner.If you feel like reacting to something your partner did or said, this is a good time to take a step back and collect your thoughts. -
Step 2: Use deep breathing.
Focusing on your breath can help calm both your body and your mind.
Using deep breathing can separate you from the situation and your feelings of immediate anger and help you focus inward.
Practice deep breathing when you are in a naturally calm state.
Then, try it when you are angry or upset, and notice how it helps you achieve calm.
Once you start feeling anger come, take a moment to do some breathing to calm yourself before exploding.
In order for breathing to calm you, you must breathe from your diaphragm, not your chest.When you breathe from your diaphragm, you should be able to feel your stomach rising and falling (not your shoulders).
When practicing, you can place your hand on your stomach to feel the movement. , Using a word or phrase can help keep you on track and not let your emotions get the best of you.
Say to yourself, “relax,” or “I am calm,” or “chill.” Especially if you feel your anger rising, use a word to keep it at bay. , It’s possible to express what you’re feeling calmly, even when you feel angry.
Aim to focus on expressing your own wants, needs, and feelings without assigning blame, guilt, or hurt to your partner.
Use your opportunities to speak by expressing yourself and not attacking your partner.Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.For instance, instead of saying, “You make me so angry” say, “I feel really angry when you say that.” Owning your own feelings empowers you and doesn’t place blame on your partner. , If you’re having a difficult time controlling your anger, tell your partner you need some time to yourself.
If you fear you may say something hurtful or you need some time to collect your thoughts and feelings, tell your partner that the discussion is important, but you need a break.
Go outside, splash water on your face, or take a walk.
Do whatever it takes to help calm the temper.Say, “This is important to discuss, however, I’m having a hard time handling my anger.
Can we talk about this again in 10 minutes or perhaps later tonight?” Don’t use a timeout to avoid the situation.
Use it to gain emotional composure. , While you may perceive your anger as coming out of nowhere, there are some warning signs of rising anger.
Your body communicates anger to you before your emotional reaction.
Keep an eye out for some of the following signs:
Clenched hands or jaw, muscle tension (like shoulders) Feeling flushed Faster breathing Headache Pacing, increased need for movement Pounding heart , Anger is a reflection of how you feel, not how someone is “making” you feel.
Your anger belongs to you and not to your partner.Avoid blaming your partner and accept that your anger is your responsibility to deal with appropriately.
If your anger is your own, then it is also within your control. , Recognize whether outside factors contribute to or worsen your anger.
This can include not getting enough rest, being hungry, feeling stressed out at work or school, or other external factors.
If you notice your anger in the relationship increases when you have outside stressors (like work deadlines or when the kids are sick), realize that you may be mismanaging your anger and taking it out on your partner or the relationship.
Look at your regular routine and distinguish events or situations that tend to trigger anger.
These situations may include commuting, dealing with rowdy children, or routinely not getting enough sleep each night.Address these factors and find healthy outlets for your anger that don’t involve your partner. , Often, anger is a secondary emotion to other deeper emotions, such as sadness, guilt, shame, fear, hurt, or rejection.
Think about whether anger is your primary emotion, or if it is the way you are expressing a different emotion.
Anger may be expressed if the other emotions make you feel vulnerable or weak, as anger can act as a defense that makes you feel more powerful.Ask yourself whether you are truly angry, or if you are responding to feeling vulnerable, weak, sad, or shameful.
Are you being triggered and responding to the trigger through anger? If anger is the only feeling you experience regularly, it may be shielding other emotions that make you feel vulnerable.
You may feel fear in experiencing other emotions such as vulnerability, sadness, guilt, shame, or defeat.
Ask yourself what blocks you from these emotions, and practice expressing them, even if it’s only in a secret journal.
If it’s difficult for your to access emotions other than anger, talk to a therapist.
He or she can help you access and experience your emotions in a safe, non-threatening way. , Nothing “causes” your anger aside from your own perceptions of situations.
Anger has more to do with your interpretations than what actually happens.
Acknowledge how your thoughts affect your anger, then address their validity and truth.
Especially in relationships, your partner can trigger you and set off your anger.
Some common destructive thought patterns include:
Generalizing- Saying that your partner ALWAYS does something, or NEVER does something. (“You NEVER take out the trash” or “You ALWAYS cut me off when I’m speaking”).
Blaming- Your first reaction is to externalize blame when something goes wrong.
You may blame your partner for things that happen to you instead of taking responsibility. (If you leave your phone on a bus, you blame your partner for distracting you).
Mind reading- Assuming that your partner is purposefully hurting you, ignoring you, or upsetting you. (If your partner doesn’t do the dishes, you assume that he or she is avoiding them as a way to get back at you).
Looking for the final straw- Actively looking for things to be upset about or only focusing on negative things.
Often, this occurs one small thing at a time, until you reach the “final straw” and explode. , Once you’ve identified your thought patterns, learn how to rationally respond to them.
When you start to accuse your partner of wrongdoing or feel defensive, start paying attention to the thoughts influencing these feelings.
Then, ask yourself some questions.”Is my perception an accurate and valid approach to the situation?” ”Is there something I can do about this?” ”Is this ruining the rest of my day? Is this something worthy of pursuing?” ”How important is this in the grand scheme of things? Is this something that greatly influences our relationship?” Think of whether this is an issue deserving of your emotional energy and anger.
If not, say to yourself, “This upsets me, but I can move past it.” , If “winning” is your priority, think about how this is hurting the relationship, and if you want to continue prioritizing this mindset.
Chances are, your partner may pick up on this and not appreciate playing second to your need to be right. , When you’re angry, it may feel good to bring up the past to make a point.
This a great way to throw blame in the mix.
If you’d rather avoid blaming your partner, keep to the present and don’t get derailed onto other problems in the relationship.
Focus on solving the current problem.If the discussion does derail, gently bring it back to what’s at hand.
Say, “Let’s stick to discussing what’s in front of us.” , Avoid cutting off your partner while he or she is speaking.
Allow your partner to finish speaking, then reflect back what you’ve heard.
That way, you can reflect your understanding while affirming your partner.
Say, “I hear you saying that you want me to consider your feelings more and not assume you want something.
Is that right?” , Be willing to admit that you make mistakes.
Recognize any assumptions or misunderstandings you’ve engaged, and take responsibility for your words and actions.
You don’t have to take on the blame for everything, but do own your part.
Say sorry with a sincere apology to your partner. , Don’t hold onto resentments toward your partner.
Be forgiving and don’t withhold forgiveness as a way to punish your partner.
Instead, see forgiveness as a road to freedom and a way to let go of any negative feelings toward your partner.
Whether you choose to say “I forgive you” to your partner or not, forgiveness is often more about personal freedom and freeing the other person from blame.
It doesn’t mean you take full responsibility or even that you accept what happened as okay.
It just means you’re willing to let it go. , Keep yourself accountable for the changes you want to make.
Take your accountability inward and ask yourself why you want to change your anger patterns and how you’re doing each week in accomplishing this goal.Ask yourself why you want to control your anger, and what benefits it will have for you, your partner, and your relationship.
You may even consider writing down your goals and putting them in a place you’ll see regularly.
You may choose to have an accountability partner, or someone you can talk to openly about making changes around your anger.
This is someone you can talk to about when and why you get angry and how you handle your anger. , If your anger interferes with your relationship and causes you to hurt people, say or do things you regret, or is completely out of control, consider seeking therapy.You can work one-on-one with a therapist, or check out anger management groups, which unite people over wanting to gain better control of their anger.
It’s important to know when your anger is destructive, and that it’s okay to reach out for help for your sake and for the sake of your relationship.
For more information, check out How to Choose a Therapist. -
Step 3: Repeat a calming phrase.If you’re having a hard time with your anger
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Step 4: use a word or phrase to remind yourself to keep your composure.
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Step 5: Express your feelings calmly.
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Step 6: Call a timeout.
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Step 7: Be aware of your anger warning signs.
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Step 8: Own your anger.
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Step 9: Handle outside factors.
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Step 10: Address primary emotions.
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Step 11: Identify your maladaptive thoughts.
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Step 12: Overcome negative thought patterns.
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Step 13: Keep the relationship the priority.Above being “right
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Step 14: ” it’s important to be respectful.
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Step 15: Focus on the present.
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Step 16: Practice active listening.
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Step 17: Acknowledge your part.
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Step 18: Offer forgiveness.
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Step 19: Be accountable.
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Step 20: Know when to seek professional help.
Detailed Guide
While it may feel easy and gratifying to let your anger out, think before saying your words.
Collect your thoughts before speaking in order to prevent yourself from saying something you may regret or that may hurt your partner.If you feel like reacting to something your partner did or said, this is a good time to take a step back and collect your thoughts.
Focusing on your breath can help calm both your body and your mind.
Using deep breathing can separate you from the situation and your feelings of immediate anger and help you focus inward.
Practice deep breathing when you are in a naturally calm state.
Then, try it when you are angry or upset, and notice how it helps you achieve calm.
Once you start feeling anger come, take a moment to do some breathing to calm yourself before exploding.
In order for breathing to calm you, you must breathe from your diaphragm, not your chest.When you breathe from your diaphragm, you should be able to feel your stomach rising and falling (not your shoulders).
When practicing, you can place your hand on your stomach to feel the movement. , Using a word or phrase can help keep you on track and not let your emotions get the best of you.
Say to yourself, “relax,” or “I am calm,” or “chill.” Especially if you feel your anger rising, use a word to keep it at bay. , It’s possible to express what you’re feeling calmly, even when you feel angry.
Aim to focus on expressing your own wants, needs, and feelings without assigning blame, guilt, or hurt to your partner.
Use your opportunities to speak by expressing yourself and not attacking your partner.Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.For instance, instead of saying, “You make me so angry” say, “I feel really angry when you say that.” Owning your own feelings empowers you and doesn’t place blame on your partner. , If you’re having a difficult time controlling your anger, tell your partner you need some time to yourself.
If you fear you may say something hurtful or you need some time to collect your thoughts and feelings, tell your partner that the discussion is important, but you need a break.
Go outside, splash water on your face, or take a walk.
Do whatever it takes to help calm the temper.Say, “This is important to discuss, however, I’m having a hard time handling my anger.
Can we talk about this again in 10 minutes or perhaps later tonight?” Don’t use a timeout to avoid the situation.
Use it to gain emotional composure. , While you may perceive your anger as coming out of nowhere, there are some warning signs of rising anger.
Your body communicates anger to you before your emotional reaction.
Keep an eye out for some of the following signs:
Clenched hands or jaw, muscle tension (like shoulders) Feeling flushed Faster breathing Headache Pacing, increased need for movement Pounding heart , Anger is a reflection of how you feel, not how someone is “making” you feel.
Your anger belongs to you and not to your partner.Avoid blaming your partner and accept that your anger is your responsibility to deal with appropriately.
If your anger is your own, then it is also within your control. , Recognize whether outside factors contribute to or worsen your anger.
This can include not getting enough rest, being hungry, feeling stressed out at work or school, or other external factors.
If you notice your anger in the relationship increases when you have outside stressors (like work deadlines or when the kids are sick), realize that you may be mismanaging your anger and taking it out on your partner or the relationship.
Look at your regular routine and distinguish events or situations that tend to trigger anger.
These situations may include commuting, dealing with rowdy children, or routinely not getting enough sleep each night.Address these factors and find healthy outlets for your anger that don’t involve your partner. , Often, anger is a secondary emotion to other deeper emotions, such as sadness, guilt, shame, fear, hurt, or rejection.
Think about whether anger is your primary emotion, or if it is the way you are expressing a different emotion.
Anger may be expressed if the other emotions make you feel vulnerable or weak, as anger can act as a defense that makes you feel more powerful.Ask yourself whether you are truly angry, or if you are responding to feeling vulnerable, weak, sad, or shameful.
Are you being triggered and responding to the trigger through anger? If anger is the only feeling you experience regularly, it may be shielding other emotions that make you feel vulnerable.
You may feel fear in experiencing other emotions such as vulnerability, sadness, guilt, shame, or defeat.
Ask yourself what blocks you from these emotions, and practice expressing them, even if it’s only in a secret journal.
If it’s difficult for your to access emotions other than anger, talk to a therapist.
He or she can help you access and experience your emotions in a safe, non-threatening way. , Nothing “causes” your anger aside from your own perceptions of situations.
Anger has more to do with your interpretations than what actually happens.
Acknowledge how your thoughts affect your anger, then address their validity and truth.
Especially in relationships, your partner can trigger you and set off your anger.
Some common destructive thought patterns include:
Generalizing- Saying that your partner ALWAYS does something, or NEVER does something. (“You NEVER take out the trash” or “You ALWAYS cut me off when I’m speaking”).
Blaming- Your first reaction is to externalize blame when something goes wrong.
You may blame your partner for things that happen to you instead of taking responsibility. (If you leave your phone on a bus, you blame your partner for distracting you).
Mind reading- Assuming that your partner is purposefully hurting you, ignoring you, or upsetting you. (If your partner doesn’t do the dishes, you assume that he or she is avoiding them as a way to get back at you).
Looking for the final straw- Actively looking for things to be upset about or only focusing on negative things.
Often, this occurs one small thing at a time, until you reach the “final straw” and explode. , Once you’ve identified your thought patterns, learn how to rationally respond to them.
When you start to accuse your partner of wrongdoing or feel defensive, start paying attention to the thoughts influencing these feelings.
Then, ask yourself some questions.”Is my perception an accurate and valid approach to the situation?” ”Is there something I can do about this?” ”Is this ruining the rest of my day? Is this something worthy of pursuing?” ”How important is this in the grand scheme of things? Is this something that greatly influences our relationship?” Think of whether this is an issue deserving of your emotional energy and anger.
If not, say to yourself, “This upsets me, but I can move past it.” , If “winning” is your priority, think about how this is hurting the relationship, and if you want to continue prioritizing this mindset.
Chances are, your partner may pick up on this and not appreciate playing second to your need to be right. , When you’re angry, it may feel good to bring up the past to make a point.
This a great way to throw blame in the mix.
If you’d rather avoid blaming your partner, keep to the present and don’t get derailed onto other problems in the relationship.
Focus on solving the current problem.If the discussion does derail, gently bring it back to what’s at hand.
Say, “Let’s stick to discussing what’s in front of us.” , Avoid cutting off your partner while he or she is speaking.
Allow your partner to finish speaking, then reflect back what you’ve heard.
That way, you can reflect your understanding while affirming your partner.
Say, “I hear you saying that you want me to consider your feelings more and not assume you want something.
Is that right?” , Be willing to admit that you make mistakes.
Recognize any assumptions or misunderstandings you’ve engaged, and take responsibility for your words and actions.
You don’t have to take on the blame for everything, but do own your part.
Say sorry with a sincere apology to your partner. , Don’t hold onto resentments toward your partner.
Be forgiving and don’t withhold forgiveness as a way to punish your partner.
Instead, see forgiveness as a road to freedom and a way to let go of any negative feelings toward your partner.
Whether you choose to say “I forgive you” to your partner or not, forgiveness is often more about personal freedom and freeing the other person from blame.
It doesn’t mean you take full responsibility or even that you accept what happened as okay.
It just means you’re willing to let it go. , Keep yourself accountable for the changes you want to make.
Take your accountability inward and ask yourself why you want to change your anger patterns and how you’re doing each week in accomplishing this goal.Ask yourself why you want to control your anger, and what benefits it will have for you, your partner, and your relationship.
You may even consider writing down your goals and putting them in a place you’ll see regularly.
You may choose to have an accountability partner, or someone you can talk to openly about making changes around your anger.
This is someone you can talk to about when and why you get angry and how you handle your anger. , If your anger interferes with your relationship and causes you to hurt people, say or do things you regret, or is completely out of control, consider seeking therapy.You can work one-on-one with a therapist, or check out anger management groups, which unite people over wanting to gain better control of their anger.
It’s important to know when your anger is destructive, and that it’s okay to reach out for help for your sake and for the sake of your relationship.
For more information, check out How to Choose a Therapist.
About the Author
Jeffrey Murray
Creates helpful guides on lifestyle to inspire and educate readers.
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