How to Control Love
Don't allow yourself to fixate on the person., Come up with an "if-then" plan., Spend more time with others., Smile., Meditate., Do what you love to do.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Don't allow yourself to fixate on the person.
Whether we like it or not, we are in control of our thoughts.
If the thought of this person comes to mind, the emotions are only going to be harder to control if you keep on thinking about them.
So when they pop up, divert your path.
Busy yourself.
There's no fixating on your watch.
Sure, they'll pop up from time to time, but you're not dwelling.
No, sir.
This goes for anything from love to dieting to quitting cigarettes.
For the sake of example, let's say the image of a cheesecake pops into your mind.
Before, you weren't even hungry.
You weren't even contemplating dessert.
But all of a sudden, you're thinking of cheesecake.
You start imagining its creamy goodness and how it tastes, feeling the sweet-yet-tart strawberry juices on your tongue and the buttery crunch of the crust.
The deeper and deeper you get, the more convinced you are that you want cheesecake.
Now imagine if you had stopped thirty seconds ago.
You wouldn't want cheesecake at all. -
Step 2: Come up with an "if-then" plan.
Research says that we make better decisions if we plan ahead for them.We can't control our wants, but we can control our actions.
A good diet plan isn't "I'm going to stop wanting french fries" – it's "I'm going to stop 'eating' french fries." So when you get that urge to love that person, replace it.
If you want to call them, call your mom instead.
If you want to check your texts for the thirty-third time this afternoon, then you'll go play Candy Crush instead.
It's a plan to handle your wants and turn them into more constructive behaviors.
Let's continue with the cheesecake example.
You're really, really, really fond of cheesecake and you're starting to develop a problem.
You're lying in bed one night telling yourself, "Tomorrow, I'm quitting the cheesecake.
That simple." Right.
By the morning, it's cheesecake for breakfast.
Instead, think to yourself, "Tomorrow, if I want cheesecake, I'm going to eat the sugar-free kind.
Then, I'll switch to sugar-free cheesecake with no crust.
Then, I'll move to cheesecake strawberries.
Then, it'll be just strawberries." That's more of a plan you can stick to. , This is not about spending less time with this person; it's about spending more time with others (though the two clearly go hand in hand).
If you come home at night and have too much time to yourself, your mind is going to wander and those feelings are going to come back on the prowl.
But if you surround yourself with others, you'll stay busy and get the reward of being social; which feels pretty dang good.
What's more, you'll slowly come to find that other people are also interesting and that spending time with them is rewarding, too.
Everyone has value and you're missing out when you don't learn about those around you.
Take advantage of them being in your life and spend some quality time with them for your sake and the sake of your mental health. , It's simple enough to think that our minds control our bodies.
When we get happy, we smile; when we get sad, we cry.
But sometimes it's not that straightforward.
It turns out the connections between our minds and bodies run both ways.
If you want to make your mind feel something, you've only got to give it some body cues.
If you smile, you'll feel happier, you'll be more prone to laugh, and your mind will be full of little endorphins running around, making you feel better.Those thoughts of the other person? Outta here.
Go on, try it.
Right now.
Put a smile on your face and keep it there.
Lift up your chin, throw your shoulders back, and smile.
Odds are it felt at least a little good.
And you know what else? According to research, smiling also makes us more attractive to others, can change our mood, relieve stress, boost the immune system, and even lower blood pressure., Smiling and meditating aren't so much about controlling love as controlling emotions.
They both can make you happier and more "zen," which leads to feeling better and living the life you want and having the thoughts you want to have.
That whole fixating thing will be so much easier not to do when your mind is centered and focused.All you need is 15 minutes or so a day to focus on, well, nothing.
A bit of time to relax and soak nothing in but a sense of calm.
This could be traditional mediation (ummmm) or even just sitting back and reading your favorite book if that's more up your alley.
If it makes you feel zen, do it. , The best way to keep yourself distracted and not thinking about this person is to fill your life with things that make you happy and feel fulfilled.
If you love playing guitar, play guitar till the cows come home.
If you love painting, paint.
If you love setting up dolls and taking pictures of them performing in a circus, heck, do that.
It doesn't matter so long as it gets your mind rolling on the right, positive path.
When a large part of your life is dedicated to doing something that gives you purpose, everything else sort of falls by the wayside.
Those feelings you don't want to feel, gone.
That fixating? A thing of the past.
You're cool, calm, and collected, because you literally have better things to do than to obsess over this person. -
Step 3: Spend more time with others.
-
Step 4: Smile.
-
Step 5: Meditate.
-
Step 6: Do what you love to do.
Detailed Guide
Whether we like it or not, we are in control of our thoughts.
If the thought of this person comes to mind, the emotions are only going to be harder to control if you keep on thinking about them.
So when they pop up, divert your path.
Busy yourself.
There's no fixating on your watch.
Sure, they'll pop up from time to time, but you're not dwelling.
No, sir.
This goes for anything from love to dieting to quitting cigarettes.
For the sake of example, let's say the image of a cheesecake pops into your mind.
Before, you weren't even hungry.
You weren't even contemplating dessert.
But all of a sudden, you're thinking of cheesecake.
You start imagining its creamy goodness and how it tastes, feeling the sweet-yet-tart strawberry juices on your tongue and the buttery crunch of the crust.
The deeper and deeper you get, the more convinced you are that you want cheesecake.
Now imagine if you had stopped thirty seconds ago.
You wouldn't want cheesecake at all.
Research says that we make better decisions if we plan ahead for them.We can't control our wants, but we can control our actions.
A good diet plan isn't "I'm going to stop wanting french fries" – it's "I'm going to stop 'eating' french fries." So when you get that urge to love that person, replace it.
If you want to call them, call your mom instead.
If you want to check your texts for the thirty-third time this afternoon, then you'll go play Candy Crush instead.
It's a plan to handle your wants and turn them into more constructive behaviors.
Let's continue with the cheesecake example.
You're really, really, really fond of cheesecake and you're starting to develop a problem.
You're lying in bed one night telling yourself, "Tomorrow, I'm quitting the cheesecake.
That simple." Right.
By the morning, it's cheesecake for breakfast.
Instead, think to yourself, "Tomorrow, if I want cheesecake, I'm going to eat the sugar-free kind.
Then, I'll switch to sugar-free cheesecake with no crust.
Then, I'll move to cheesecake strawberries.
Then, it'll be just strawberries." That's more of a plan you can stick to. , This is not about spending less time with this person; it's about spending more time with others (though the two clearly go hand in hand).
If you come home at night and have too much time to yourself, your mind is going to wander and those feelings are going to come back on the prowl.
But if you surround yourself with others, you'll stay busy and get the reward of being social; which feels pretty dang good.
What's more, you'll slowly come to find that other people are also interesting and that spending time with them is rewarding, too.
Everyone has value and you're missing out when you don't learn about those around you.
Take advantage of them being in your life and spend some quality time with them for your sake and the sake of your mental health. , It's simple enough to think that our minds control our bodies.
When we get happy, we smile; when we get sad, we cry.
But sometimes it's not that straightforward.
It turns out the connections between our minds and bodies run both ways.
If you want to make your mind feel something, you've only got to give it some body cues.
If you smile, you'll feel happier, you'll be more prone to laugh, and your mind will be full of little endorphins running around, making you feel better.Those thoughts of the other person? Outta here.
Go on, try it.
Right now.
Put a smile on your face and keep it there.
Lift up your chin, throw your shoulders back, and smile.
Odds are it felt at least a little good.
And you know what else? According to research, smiling also makes us more attractive to others, can change our mood, relieve stress, boost the immune system, and even lower blood pressure., Smiling and meditating aren't so much about controlling love as controlling emotions.
They both can make you happier and more "zen," which leads to feeling better and living the life you want and having the thoughts you want to have.
That whole fixating thing will be so much easier not to do when your mind is centered and focused.All you need is 15 minutes or so a day to focus on, well, nothing.
A bit of time to relax and soak nothing in but a sense of calm.
This could be traditional mediation (ummmm) or even just sitting back and reading your favorite book if that's more up your alley.
If it makes you feel zen, do it. , The best way to keep yourself distracted and not thinking about this person is to fill your life with things that make you happy and feel fulfilled.
If you love playing guitar, play guitar till the cows come home.
If you love painting, paint.
If you love setting up dolls and taking pictures of them performing in a circus, heck, do that.
It doesn't matter so long as it gets your mind rolling on the right, positive path.
When a large part of your life is dedicated to doing something that gives you purpose, everything else sort of falls by the wayside.
Those feelings you don't want to feel, gone.
That fixating? A thing of the past.
You're cool, calm, and collected, because you literally have better things to do than to obsess over this person.
About the Author
Frank Green
Committed to making practical skills accessible and understandable for everyone.
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