How to Deal With Children in a Divorce Situation
Tell your children as soon as possible., Allow specific circumstances to dictate some decisions., Be honest and straightforward., Tell your kids you love them., Be prepared to answer their questions., Give your children any information regarding...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Tell your children as soon as possible.
Once it has become certain that you and your spouse will be separating, you need to let your kids know.
Make sure you’re calm and composed when you decide to tell your children, and have them sit down with you somewhere private.
If your children immediately has a lot of questions, tell them that things will be different, but that you all will address each issue as they come up., If you and your spouse have decided to separate amicably, you should tell your children about the divorce together.
This will convey that you and your spouse still respect one another, and that you both will still be actively involved in your children's lives.
If the separation is hostile, it will likely be better to tell your children on your own, in a calm environment.
If you have multiple children, especially if they are of similar ages, you should sit them down and give them the news at the same time.
If you have children of significantly different ages, you may want to tell older children first.
If they have specific questions, you'll be able to respond to them more directly. , Being honest does not mean including all of the details.
While there may be some specific, significant reasons that the divorce is happening, it’s best to explain the reasons why you are getting divorced in a somewhat general way.However, you should still be honest and explain this situation in a way that will soften the blow.
For example, if both parents are present during the conversation, then you can start by saying, "We love you," or say "I love you," if only one parent is present.
Then, you can say something like, "We've tried everything we could, but our marriage isn't working, so we are going to live apart now.
We are getting a divorce." Keep it very simple with grade-school age children or younger.
Older children may demand more information, but you should still choose your responses carefully. , This basic step is of absolute importance.
Children can easily become confused and frightened by a divorce.
Remind them how much you care about them, and that you are still their parent.
Be explicit by saying something like, “I want you to know that this doesn’t change how I feel about you at all.
I still love you and I am so happy that I’m your parent."After you tell your kids that you love them, it is also important to tell your kids that they did not do anything at all to cause the divorce.
Try saying something like, "This has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did.
You did nothing at all to cause this situation.
It is just a problem between your father/mother and I." Make sure that you repeat this to your kids multiple times to help them understand that they are not at fault.. , Your kids may be shocked by the news, and will potentially become emotionally distraught.
Very young children may not know what divorce is and will need an explanation that you will not be married and will not be living together.
Allow young children to vent their sadness or anger, and focus on the fact that you love them.
In addition to anger or sadness, many children will have a torrent of questions.
Be prepared to answer questions you can anticipate beforehand, and be willing to admit you’re still figuring things out yourself.If you aren’t sure about how to answer certain questions, it’s perfectly alright to admit this.
Say something along the lines of “I don’t know right now, but we’ll figure that out and we’ll all be okay.” , Include any information you’ve agreed upon with your spouse about who will be living where and other logistical considerations such as where they’ll go to school.
The idea is to provide as much information as you can about the upcoming changes in your children’s lives, as well as reaffirmation of the things that will remain the same.Among the specific things they’ll be curious about, you’ll likely want to address the following:
Whether or not they will move, and where they will be living.
Where each of their parents will be living.
A few additional specifics, such as how they will spend summer vacations and holidays. , In particular, don’t blame your spouse for the divorce.
Even if your spouse is prompting the separation, it can be hurtful to your children to be critical of your spouse.
If possible, talk to your spouse about what you’ll tell your children, and come to agreement about what you’ll say.More generally, do not speak poorly of your spouse to your children.
This will not contribute positively to any of your lives.
Keep in mind that your children will likely still have a relationship with their other parent, and it is in their interest if that relationship is healthy. -
Step 2: Allow specific circumstances to dictate some decisions.
-
Step 3: Be honest and straightforward.
-
Step 4: Tell your kids you love them.
-
Step 5: Be prepared to answer their questions.
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Step 6: Give your children any information regarding immediate changes.
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Step 7: Present a united front with your children’s other parent.
Detailed Guide
Once it has become certain that you and your spouse will be separating, you need to let your kids know.
Make sure you’re calm and composed when you decide to tell your children, and have them sit down with you somewhere private.
If your children immediately has a lot of questions, tell them that things will be different, but that you all will address each issue as they come up., If you and your spouse have decided to separate amicably, you should tell your children about the divorce together.
This will convey that you and your spouse still respect one another, and that you both will still be actively involved in your children's lives.
If the separation is hostile, it will likely be better to tell your children on your own, in a calm environment.
If you have multiple children, especially if they are of similar ages, you should sit them down and give them the news at the same time.
If you have children of significantly different ages, you may want to tell older children first.
If they have specific questions, you'll be able to respond to them more directly. , Being honest does not mean including all of the details.
While there may be some specific, significant reasons that the divorce is happening, it’s best to explain the reasons why you are getting divorced in a somewhat general way.However, you should still be honest and explain this situation in a way that will soften the blow.
For example, if both parents are present during the conversation, then you can start by saying, "We love you," or say "I love you," if only one parent is present.
Then, you can say something like, "We've tried everything we could, but our marriage isn't working, so we are going to live apart now.
We are getting a divorce." Keep it very simple with grade-school age children or younger.
Older children may demand more information, but you should still choose your responses carefully. , This basic step is of absolute importance.
Children can easily become confused and frightened by a divorce.
Remind them how much you care about them, and that you are still their parent.
Be explicit by saying something like, “I want you to know that this doesn’t change how I feel about you at all.
I still love you and I am so happy that I’m your parent."After you tell your kids that you love them, it is also important to tell your kids that they did not do anything at all to cause the divorce.
Try saying something like, "This has absolutely nothing to do with you or anything you did.
You did nothing at all to cause this situation.
It is just a problem between your father/mother and I." Make sure that you repeat this to your kids multiple times to help them understand that they are not at fault.. , Your kids may be shocked by the news, and will potentially become emotionally distraught.
Very young children may not know what divorce is and will need an explanation that you will not be married and will not be living together.
Allow young children to vent their sadness or anger, and focus on the fact that you love them.
In addition to anger or sadness, many children will have a torrent of questions.
Be prepared to answer questions you can anticipate beforehand, and be willing to admit you’re still figuring things out yourself.If you aren’t sure about how to answer certain questions, it’s perfectly alright to admit this.
Say something along the lines of “I don’t know right now, but we’ll figure that out and we’ll all be okay.” , Include any information you’ve agreed upon with your spouse about who will be living where and other logistical considerations such as where they’ll go to school.
The idea is to provide as much information as you can about the upcoming changes in your children’s lives, as well as reaffirmation of the things that will remain the same.Among the specific things they’ll be curious about, you’ll likely want to address the following:
Whether or not they will move, and where they will be living.
Where each of their parents will be living.
A few additional specifics, such as how they will spend summer vacations and holidays. , In particular, don’t blame your spouse for the divorce.
Even if your spouse is prompting the separation, it can be hurtful to your children to be critical of your spouse.
If possible, talk to your spouse about what you’ll tell your children, and come to agreement about what you’ll say.More generally, do not speak poorly of your spouse to your children.
This will not contribute positively to any of your lives.
Keep in mind that your children will likely still have a relationship with their other parent, and it is in their interest if that relationship is healthy.
About the Author
Douglas Butler
Specializes in breaking down complex home improvement topics into simple steps.
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