How to End Your Fear of Love
Figure out when your fear began., Identify specific fears., Avoid the “what if” game., Seek out a partner who values what you do in a relationship., Be introspective., Ask yourself how love might benefit you.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Figure out when your fear began.
Determine when and why you initially became afraid of love.
Was it after a bad break up? Was your last partner too clingy or not affectionate enough? Pinpointing the timeframe in which you became disillusioned about love is important to help you combat your fears.Sometimes our fears aren't born out of our own mistakes, but those we saw in others.
For example, if your parents went through a tough divorce or you had difficult relationship with loved ones during your childhood, you might struggle with fear of love or commitment. -
Step 2: Identify specific fears.
When we say we’re afraid of love, often the actual love itself is not the source of worry.
Usually we mean that we’re worried about some negative outcomes that are possible if we allow ourselves to love.For example, we might say we fear love when we actually fear commitment or fear losing our freedom.
This kind of self-reflection can be tough.
Try talking through your worries with a trusted friend or family member and asking their advice.
Or, if you feel more comfortable, try journaling your thoughts to see what is behind your fear of love. , Asking yourself “what if” questions can send you down a rabbit hole of anxiety and fear, and this does nothing to help ease your fear of love.
These rhetorical questions usually focus on the negative rather than the positive.
Try re-framing these questions in a more productive way.
Sometimes we find ourselves anxiously asking questions such as “What if I get rejected?” or “What if I get hurt again?” If you find yourself asking these worst-case scenario questions, try following through and answering them.
For example, you might tell yourself that if you get hurt again, you’ll learn from that relationship and know what not to do the next time.
If you put yourself out there and get rejected, then it will hurt for a while and you will eventually heal from it.You might also try to put a positive spin on the questions.
For instance, ask yourself what will happen if next time you do not get rejected.
Your answer might be that you’d be in a loving relationship with someone you love to spend time with.
This can help quiet the negative “what if” game in your head. , If you’re afraid of love, then it makes sense to look for love in someone who values the things you do.
If your real problem with love is that you think falling in love means losing your freedom, then you need to find someone who values his or her own freedom and won’t impose on yours.
If it’s commitment that worries you, then you might try testing the waters with someone who is just looking for someone to go on dates with and see where the relationship goes from there.It’s important to note that finding this person might take some time.
Don’t set time limits or expectations on finding this person.
If you fear love, then you must let it come to you naturally.
Forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do won’t help you fix your fear and is unfair to the other person. , Ask yourself if it’s actually love that worries you so much.
Many times we can project stressors from other areas of life onto our love life.
For example, if you are overextended or failing at a project at school or work, then perhaps you don’t truly fear love and commitment, but instead you fear failing at something.
Honestly examine why you think you fear love and see if it’s truly love that scares you or if it might be a stressor coming from somewhere else in your life. , Love is something that brings joy, happiness, and security.
It’s a positive aspect of life to which we attach a lot of baggage, so it’s often helpful to ask yourself how love could benefit you in the abstract.Try writing down all the ways that falling in love could be a positive for you, such as companionship, physical intimacy, spiritual health, and so on.
Then evaluate your list against your fears.
Think of this exercise as a one-sided “pros and cons” list.
If you are honest with yourself, you will likely find that the positive side of your list far outweighs the negatives. -
Step 3: Avoid the “what if” game.
-
Step 4: Seek out a partner who values what you do in a relationship.
-
Step 5: Be introspective.
-
Step 6: Ask yourself how love might benefit you.
Detailed Guide
Determine when and why you initially became afraid of love.
Was it after a bad break up? Was your last partner too clingy or not affectionate enough? Pinpointing the timeframe in which you became disillusioned about love is important to help you combat your fears.Sometimes our fears aren't born out of our own mistakes, but those we saw in others.
For example, if your parents went through a tough divorce or you had difficult relationship with loved ones during your childhood, you might struggle with fear of love or commitment.
When we say we’re afraid of love, often the actual love itself is not the source of worry.
Usually we mean that we’re worried about some negative outcomes that are possible if we allow ourselves to love.For example, we might say we fear love when we actually fear commitment or fear losing our freedom.
This kind of self-reflection can be tough.
Try talking through your worries with a trusted friend or family member and asking their advice.
Or, if you feel more comfortable, try journaling your thoughts to see what is behind your fear of love. , Asking yourself “what if” questions can send you down a rabbit hole of anxiety and fear, and this does nothing to help ease your fear of love.
These rhetorical questions usually focus on the negative rather than the positive.
Try re-framing these questions in a more productive way.
Sometimes we find ourselves anxiously asking questions such as “What if I get rejected?” or “What if I get hurt again?” If you find yourself asking these worst-case scenario questions, try following through and answering them.
For example, you might tell yourself that if you get hurt again, you’ll learn from that relationship and know what not to do the next time.
If you put yourself out there and get rejected, then it will hurt for a while and you will eventually heal from it.You might also try to put a positive spin on the questions.
For instance, ask yourself what will happen if next time you do not get rejected.
Your answer might be that you’d be in a loving relationship with someone you love to spend time with.
This can help quiet the negative “what if” game in your head. , If you’re afraid of love, then it makes sense to look for love in someone who values the things you do.
If your real problem with love is that you think falling in love means losing your freedom, then you need to find someone who values his or her own freedom and won’t impose on yours.
If it’s commitment that worries you, then you might try testing the waters with someone who is just looking for someone to go on dates with and see where the relationship goes from there.It’s important to note that finding this person might take some time.
Don’t set time limits or expectations on finding this person.
If you fear love, then you must let it come to you naturally.
Forcing yourself to do something you don’t want to do won’t help you fix your fear and is unfair to the other person. , Ask yourself if it’s actually love that worries you so much.
Many times we can project stressors from other areas of life onto our love life.
For example, if you are overextended or failing at a project at school or work, then perhaps you don’t truly fear love and commitment, but instead you fear failing at something.
Honestly examine why you think you fear love and see if it’s truly love that scares you or if it might be a stressor coming from somewhere else in your life. , Love is something that brings joy, happiness, and security.
It’s a positive aspect of life to which we attach a lot of baggage, so it’s often helpful to ask yourself how love could benefit you in the abstract.Try writing down all the ways that falling in love could be a positive for you, such as companionship, physical intimacy, spiritual health, and so on.
Then evaluate your list against your fears.
Think of this exercise as a one-sided “pros and cons” list.
If you are honest with yourself, you will likely find that the positive side of your list far outweighs the negatives.
About the Author
Linda Jimenez
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in lifestyle and beyond.
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