How to Give Good Relationship Advice
Let them do the talking., Use active listening., Pay attention to the way you frame your responses., Bounce their own thoughts back at them., Express concern., Act immediately on revelations of abuse.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Let them do the talking.
Even when people ask for advice about their relationship, they may simply be looking for your support.
Whether or not they need your advice, the first step is listening.Since whomever you’re speaking with knows more about their own relationship than you do, they likely also have an inclination about how to handle whatever it is they’re talking about.
Let them rant a bit.
People may be looking more for validation of their feelings, or simply to vocalize their thoughts on their relationship with someone they trust.
State your willingness to listen.
If someone brings up their relationship but is hesitating, tell them you’re glad to hear about how they’re feeling. -
Step 2: Use active listening.
A key aspect of truly listening to someone is refraining from judging their statements.
Disallow yourself from diagnosing or analyzing their statements until they’ve finished speaking.To convey that you’re actively listening, and to ensure that you’re understanding the other person clearly, paraphrase and repeat the key points of their dialogue back to them.
Pay attention to your nonverbal cues as well.
Maintain eye contact, square your shoulders towards the speaker, and even use supportive touching to convey that you’re there for someone. , Avoid responses that may come across as judgmental or critical, as this will not be productive
- and you may even offend whomever you’re speaking with.Avoid statements such as “You should have _____” or “Why didn’t you _____?”.
Definitely don’t say anything like, “I would have _____ by now!”Even if you mean to be supportive, this may offend the person you’re speaking with.
Instead, start with statements such as “It may help to consider _______” or “I don’t know if this will work for you, but I’ve found that _______.” , Even if you have some of your own ideas about what the right course of action might be, emphasize points that they’ve said themselves.If there’s a lull before you have something constructive to say, don’t make something up just to say something.
Instead, try something like, “I certainly don’t know the best course to take for you in your relationship, but I’m happy to work through what you’re feeling with you.” Ask them to expand on certain thoughts that seem significant by saying things like, “What are your thoughts regarding that?” or simply “Say more about that.” , Don’t use statements that may seem to minimize their feelings or that don’t offer anything constructive.Ensure that they know you’re hearing both what they’re saying about how they’re feeling.
Avoid focusing on the details of a story – you’re not here to gossip, you’re here to help.
Don’t refer to issues as a “phase.” If they’ve been hurt, recognize that with statements such as, “I imagine that’s really affected how you’re feeling.” , Some relationships are objectively unhealthy.
If someone tells you about any form of abuse that is taking place, tell them that you’re there for them and urge them to get help.Do not allow a friend or loved on accept a lover’s addiction, recurrent affairs, or emotional or physical abuse as “normal.” If someone seems to be in danger, notify other people who may be able to help them and make a point of being available for them.
There may be more going on then they’re admitting, and providing them to space to recognize and report serious issues is extremely important. -
Step 3: Pay attention to the way you frame your responses.
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Step 4: Bounce their own thoughts back at them.
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Step 5: Express concern.
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Step 6: Act immediately on revelations of abuse.
Detailed Guide
Even when people ask for advice about their relationship, they may simply be looking for your support.
Whether or not they need your advice, the first step is listening.Since whomever you’re speaking with knows more about their own relationship than you do, they likely also have an inclination about how to handle whatever it is they’re talking about.
Let them rant a bit.
People may be looking more for validation of their feelings, or simply to vocalize their thoughts on their relationship with someone they trust.
State your willingness to listen.
If someone brings up their relationship but is hesitating, tell them you’re glad to hear about how they’re feeling.
A key aspect of truly listening to someone is refraining from judging their statements.
Disallow yourself from diagnosing or analyzing their statements until they’ve finished speaking.To convey that you’re actively listening, and to ensure that you’re understanding the other person clearly, paraphrase and repeat the key points of their dialogue back to them.
Pay attention to your nonverbal cues as well.
Maintain eye contact, square your shoulders towards the speaker, and even use supportive touching to convey that you’re there for someone. , Avoid responses that may come across as judgmental or critical, as this will not be productive
- and you may even offend whomever you’re speaking with.Avoid statements such as “You should have _____” or “Why didn’t you _____?”.
Definitely don’t say anything like, “I would have _____ by now!”Even if you mean to be supportive, this may offend the person you’re speaking with.
Instead, start with statements such as “It may help to consider _______” or “I don’t know if this will work for you, but I’ve found that _______.” , Even if you have some of your own ideas about what the right course of action might be, emphasize points that they’ve said themselves.If there’s a lull before you have something constructive to say, don’t make something up just to say something.
Instead, try something like, “I certainly don’t know the best course to take for you in your relationship, but I’m happy to work through what you’re feeling with you.” Ask them to expand on certain thoughts that seem significant by saying things like, “What are your thoughts regarding that?” or simply “Say more about that.” , Don’t use statements that may seem to minimize their feelings or that don’t offer anything constructive.Ensure that they know you’re hearing both what they’re saying about how they’re feeling.
Avoid focusing on the details of a story – you’re not here to gossip, you’re here to help.
Don’t refer to issues as a “phase.” If they’ve been hurt, recognize that with statements such as, “I imagine that’s really affected how you’re feeling.” , Some relationships are objectively unhealthy.
If someone tells you about any form of abuse that is taking place, tell them that you’re there for them and urge them to get help.Do not allow a friend or loved on accept a lover’s addiction, recurrent affairs, or emotional or physical abuse as “normal.” If someone seems to be in danger, notify other people who may be able to help them and make a point of being available for them.
There may be more going on then they’re admitting, and providing them to space to recognize and report serious issues is extremely important.
About the Author
Alexander Gray
Specializes in breaking down complex home improvement topics into simple steps.
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