How to Have a Healthy Second Marriage if You Were Widowed
Have an open conversation with your new partner., Keep your partner clued into your emotional state., Understand that you are not being disloyal to your late spouse., Consider the feelings of your future spouse if they are also widowed., See a...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Have an open conversation with your new partner.
Remarrying doesn’t mean forgetting.
Falling in love with someone after your spouse dies doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten your spouse or have entirely moved on.
All it means is that you’ve fallen in love with someone else.
You’ll likely still think of your former spouse and miss them, and that’s perfectly normal.
Just make sure your new spouse understands.
Talk to your current or future spouse about your feelings.
You could say, “I love you very much, but there is a piece of my heart that will always belong to my former partner.
This doesn’t take away from how much I love you, but I just wanted you to know that there are times when I miss them.” Getting this out in the open before you get married could prevent arguments and misunderstandings.
Your new partner’s reaction may also show if you should marry them or not. -
Step 2: Keep your partner clued into your emotional state.
Grief is not time-limited.
It's highly likely that you will continue to grieve for your first spouse even after remarrying.
You can diffuse tension and maintain greater harmony in your new marriage by regularly opening up to your spouse about what you're feeling.
You might say, "I feel guilty.
I know I shouldn't, but I do.
It's like I'm here happy and he's dead.
That's why I pull away from you sometimes.
I want you to know that so we can work through these feelings."
There may be a chance that you and your late spouse would still be married if they had not passed away.
However, life handed you that card and it’s important for you to be happy.
After all, your former spouse likely wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life.
Marrying someone else is in no way dishonoring your late spouse; in fact, you’re likely doing exactly what they would want you to do.
If your family or friends are giving you a hard time about moving on, explain to them that you are doing what you need to do to be happy.
You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that I am not honoring my late spouse by marrying again.
However, there is no one right way to grieve, and I am doing the best I can to be happy at this point in my life and remarrying will do that.
I hope you understand and will support me.” Letting your family know that you will not tolerate them treating you badly because of this may stop them from negatively affecting your future marriage.Be sure to express this early to help prevent it from becoming a problem. , You may feel that you have moved on from your late spouse, but your current or future one may have healed a little differently than you.
They may still have pictures of their former partner in their home or may talk about them more than you feel comfortable with.
Just because you don’t do these things doesn’t mean it is wrong that they do.
If you aren’t happy with the situation, talk to them about it.
For example, you could say, “I love you very much and I know how much your late spouse meant to you.
I think it’s great you uphold their memory, but the way you go about it makes me uncomfortable.” You may be able to come up with a compromise that allows the both of you to feel comfortable., To ensure that you have fully moved through the grieving process, and won’t carry forward residual guilt or confusion that affects your next marriage, see a bereavement counselor.
It can be helpful to talk to someone who is unbiased and will listen to your concerns about getting remarried after losing a spouse.
In addition, seeing a counselor together before your new marriage may help both you and your new spouse come to terms with this new chapter of life and deal with the expectations of children or other relatives. -
Step 3: Understand that you are not being disloyal to your late spouse.
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Step 4: Consider the feelings of your future spouse if they are also widowed.
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Step 5: See a professional counselor.
Detailed Guide
Remarrying doesn’t mean forgetting.
Falling in love with someone after your spouse dies doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten your spouse or have entirely moved on.
All it means is that you’ve fallen in love with someone else.
You’ll likely still think of your former spouse and miss them, and that’s perfectly normal.
Just make sure your new spouse understands.
Talk to your current or future spouse about your feelings.
You could say, “I love you very much, but there is a piece of my heart that will always belong to my former partner.
This doesn’t take away from how much I love you, but I just wanted you to know that there are times when I miss them.” Getting this out in the open before you get married could prevent arguments and misunderstandings.
Your new partner’s reaction may also show if you should marry them or not.
Grief is not time-limited.
It's highly likely that you will continue to grieve for your first spouse even after remarrying.
You can diffuse tension and maintain greater harmony in your new marriage by regularly opening up to your spouse about what you're feeling.
You might say, "I feel guilty.
I know I shouldn't, but I do.
It's like I'm here happy and he's dead.
That's why I pull away from you sometimes.
I want you to know that so we can work through these feelings."
There may be a chance that you and your late spouse would still be married if they had not passed away.
However, life handed you that card and it’s important for you to be happy.
After all, your former spouse likely wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life.
Marrying someone else is in no way dishonoring your late spouse; in fact, you’re likely doing exactly what they would want you to do.
If your family or friends are giving you a hard time about moving on, explain to them that you are doing what you need to do to be happy.
You can say, “I’m sorry you feel that I am not honoring my late spouse by marrying again.
However, there is no one right way to grieve, and I am doing the best I can to be happy at this point in my life and remarrying will do that.
I hope you understand and will support me.” Letting your family know that you will not tolerate them treating you badly because of this may stop them from negatively affecting your future marriage.Be sure to express this early to help prevent it from becoming a problem. , You may feel that you have moved on from your late spouse, but your current or future one may have healed a little differently than you.
They may still have pictures of their former partner in their home or may talk about them more than you feel comfortable with.
Just because you don’t do these things doesn’t mean it is wrong that they do.
If you aren’t happy with the situation, talk to them about it.
For example, you could say, “I love you very much and I know how much your late spouse meant to you.
I think it’s great you uphold their memory, but the way you go about it makes me uncomfortable.” You may be able to come up with a compromise that allows the both of you to feel comfortable., To ensure that you have fully moved through the grieving process, and won’t carry forward residual guilt or confusion that affects your next marriage, see a bereavement counselor.
It can be helpful to talk to someone who is unbiased and will listen to your concerns about getting remarried after losing a spouse.
In addition, seeing a counselor together before your new marriage may help both you and your new spouse come to terms with this new chapter of life and deal with the expectations of children or other relatives.
About the Author
Matthew Johnson
Writer and educator with a focus on practical practical skills knowledge.
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