How to Help a Friend Leave an Abusive Relationship
Choose your words very carefully upon learning that a friend is in an abusive situation., Listen and be there., Ask questions to elicit the story, the feelings and the things you need to know., Keep listening and asking open-ended or...
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Choose your words very carefully upon learning that a friend is in an abusive situation.
Bossy ultimatums demanding that your friend leave the person in question can cause your friend to clam up and see you as an external force trying to determine her or his fate.
Expressions of outrage can feel like the right thing to say but may raise a sense of defensiveness or even cause your friend to wonder how much you think her or his own behavior is causing the abuse.
Ranting about the abuse perpetrator being evil won't help your friend either because there is a big chance that the abused person is fixated on setting things right and still loves the abuse perpetrator in spite of the abuse.
Remind yourself that logic isn't at the heart of what is happening––it's raw emotion and it is very, very touchy.
You will need to appeal to that part of your friend that knows innately that self care does matter and is valid.
Explain the logic, but avoid sounding confrontational or controlling and serious.
This may make them feel like you're attacking the abuser, and they may defend the abuser. -
Step 2: Listen and be there.
When you first learn about the abuse, be a listener, not an advice-giver.
Let your friend say whatever she or he feels needs to come out.
Let your friend talk as much as wanted, or as little as wanted.
It takes courage to say anything at all, so see the fact that your friend is willing to open up as a privilege.
In turn, realize that in letting your friend air his or her feelings, pain and worry, he or she will begin to create the space in which he or she will become more receptive to hearing what you have to suggest.
Your friend will listen when he or she is ready.
Hugs or holding hands, just sitting in silent solidarity, can be helpful whenever your friend seems totally overwhelmed and cannot continue to speak.
Don't try to fill in all the silences.
Sometimes these are the moments in which your friend learns that she or he can really trust you, precisely because you don't try to control your friend. , Ask questions about how your friend is being treated. Be careful not to be too probing, seeking gory details.
Instead, focus the questions on feelings and finding out how your friend is seeing all that is happening.
For example, ask questions such as: "Do you think other people would do this to you? Is this what you think is normal? Do you realize that there are many other men (or women) who would never dream of treating you this way? Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? Do you think you deserve to be really happy? How do you think this is affecting the children? What do you think is normal for a loving relationship?"
and so forth. , Continue to avoid any insistence that your friend should leave or telling your friend the plain obvious.
It takes the not-so-obvious to make a difference or impact.
Your friend already knows the obvious things but is much more likely putting out feelers to find out how much support and safety can be guaranteed at the moment when she or he makes up her or his own mind to finally get out of the situation.
It is your friend's own kernel of self-courage you need to play a part in nurturing to life. , You might even be the place where your friend reads this material in silence, ensuring that it isn't found in your friend's home.
Your home might be the safe haven for calling a domestic violence shelter from, or for calling family members in another state or province who might be willing to take your friend in for a while.
If you can offer these sorts of constructive actions in your home, offer them.
Your friend may well take you up on the offers.
It can help to make offers to accompany your friend to any place she or he wishes to go, to offer a room if needed or to just simply be on the end of the phone, anytime, without pressuring to make use of any of these offers.
Just knowing you are willing to help if needed can be a huge reassurance.
You might also consider offering to babysit or petsit if your friend needs to get the kids and animals out of the house to safety.
While authorities will always step in to protect children when called, this isn't often the case for pets and some domestic abuse victims remain out of fear of what will happen to their animals.
This could be something you're able to offer to take care of in the event that your friend chooses to leave. , If you have been suggesting that your friend needs to get out and get help but it has been falling on deaf ears, try to get someone else, perhaps of the same sex as the person perpetrating the abuse so that they can see that not every person behaves abusively, to speak to some of the similar things you've been saying, asking the questions as discussed earlier.
It may be hard to get your friend or family member away long enough for this to occur, or even alone at all, but do what you have to do to get them alone. Be creative. Having someone from the opposite sex (the more attractive, the better) ask important questions and give honest feedback can be a real eye-opener for the victim.
Surprisingly enough, it might just take someone outside of their normal circle to get through to them.
It's about realizing that the abusive behavior is not normal and that other people would never behave like that.
Seeing that not everyone is a control freak can be revelatory. , In most cases, it is probable that you do not know precisely what your friend is going through, what she or he is up against on a daily basis, so just stay persistent.
Start with these suggestions, and go from there. As long you do not give up on your friend or family member, there is a chance.
It's only when people are given up on, that people also give up on themselves.
The knowledge that you have their back, that when the right moment comes you will be there, will mean more than will probably ever be expressed openly to you.
As hard as this might seem, as much as you might feel you're not getting through, have faith that you are doing the right thing by just being there for your friend––indeed, you might just be the sole source of safety and acknowledgement that what is happening is real that your friend truly needs to get out. -
Step 3: Ask questions to elicit the story
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Step 4: the feelings and the things you need to know.
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Step 5: Keep listening and asking open-ended or thought-provoking questions.
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Step 6: Consider finding suitable pamphlets
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Step 7: booklets
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Step 8: online information that contains help for your friend.
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Step 9: Get another source to reinforce your message.
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Step 10: Act as soon as you can
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Step 11: and do not ever give up.
Detailed Guide
Bossy ultimatums demanding that your friend leave the person in question can cause your friend to clam up and see you as an external force trying to determine her or his fate.
Expressions of outrage can feel like the right thing to say but may raise a sense of defensiveness or even cause your friend to wonder how much you think her or his own behavior is causing the abuse.
Ranting about the abuse perpetrator being evil won't help your friend either because there is a big chance that the abused person is fixated on setting things right and still loves the abuse perpetrator in spite of the abuse.
Remind yourself that logic isn't at the heart of what is happening––it's raw emotion and it is very, very touchy.
You will need to appeal to that part of your friend that knows innately that self care does matter and is valid.
Explain the logic, but avoid sounding confrontational or controlling and serious.
This may make them feel like you're attacking the abuser, and they may defend the abuser.
When you first learn about the abuse, be a listener, not an advice-giver.
Let your friend say whatever she or he feels needs to come out.
Let your friend talk as much as wanted, or as little as wanted.
It takes courage to say anything at all, so see the fact that your friend is willing to open up as a privilege.
In turn, realize that in letting your friend air his or her feelings, pain and worry, he or she will begin to create the space in which he or she will become more receptive to hearing what you have to suggest.
Your friend will listen when he or she is ready.
Hugs or holding hands, just sitting in silent solidarity, can be helpful whenever your friend seems totally overwhelmed and cannot continue to speak.
Don't try to fill in all the silences.
Sometimes these are the moments in which your friend learns that she or he can really trust you, precisely because you don't try to control your friend. , Ask questions about how your friend is being treated. Be careful not to be too probing, seeking gory details.
Instead, focus the questions on feelings and finding out how your friend is seeing all that is happening.
For example, ask questions such as: "Do you think other people would do this to you? Is this what you think is normal? Do you realize that there are many other men (or women) who would never dream of treating you this way? Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? Do you think you deserve to be really happy? How do you think this is affecting the children? What do you think is normal for a loving relationship?"
and so forth. , Continue to avoid any insistence that your friend should leave or telling your friend the plain obvious.
It takes the not-so-obvious to make a difference or impact.
Your friend already knows the obvious things but is much more likely putting out feelers to find out how much support and safety can be guaranteed at the moment when she or he makes up her or his own mind to finally get out of the situation.
It is your friend's own kernel of self-courage you need to play a part in nurturing to life. , You might even be the place where your friend reads this material in silence, ensuring that it isn't found in your friend's home.
Your home might be the safe haven for calling a domestic violence shelter from, or for calling family members in another state or province who might be willing to take your friend in for a while.
If you can offer these sorts of constructive actions in your home, offer them.
Your friend may well take you up on the offers.
It can help to make offers to accompany your friend to any place she or he wishes to go, to offer a room if needed or to just simply be on the end of the phone, anytime, without pressuring to make use of any of these offers.
Just knowing you are willing to help if needed can be a huge reassurance.
You might also consider offering to babysit or petsit if your friend needs to get the kids and animals out of the house to safety.
While authorities will always step in to protect children when called, this isn't often the case for pets and some domestic abuse victims remain out of fear of what will happen to their animals.
This could be something you're able to offer to take care of in the event that your friend chooses to leave. , If you have been suggesting that your friend needs to get out and get help but it has been falling on deaf ears, try to get someone else, perhaps of the same sex as the person perpetrating the abuse so that they can see that not every person behaves abusively, to speak to some of the similar things you've been saying, asking the questions as discussed earlier.
It may be hard to get your friend or family member away long enough for this to occur, or even alone at all, but do what you have to do to get them alone. Be creative. Having someone from the opposite sex (the more attractive, the better) ask important questions and give honest feedback can be a real eye-opener for the victim.
Surprisingly enough, it might just take someone outside of their normal circle to get through to them.
It's about realizing that the abusive behavior is not normal and that other people would never behave like that.
Seeing that not everyone is a control freak can be revelatory. , In most cases, it is probable that you do not know precisely what your friend is going through, what she or he is up against on a daily basis, so just stay persistent.
Start with these suggestions, and go from there. As long you do not give up on your friend or family member, there is a chance.
It's only when people are given up on, that people also give up on themselves.
The knowledge that you have their back, that when the right moment comes you will be there, will mean more than will probably ever be expressed openly to you.
As hard as this might seem, as much as you might feel you're not getting through, have faith that you are doing the right thing by just being there for your friend––indeed, you might just be the sole source of safety and acknowledgement that what is happening is real that your friend truly needs to get out.
About the Author
Zachary Vasquez
Enthusiastic about teaching creative arts techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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